Part 3 (2/2)

But Should We Be Focusing on Happiness in Marriage?

Although the secret longing for a happy, lifelong marriage is one of the deepest desires of the human heart, many people these days understandably worry about focusing on marital happiness.

We have all seen the terrible difficulties that come when someone looks to marriage or their spouse to make them happy-when someone expects an imperfect person to deliver what I believe only G.o.d can deliver. We have all seen the tragic outcome of what happens when someone concludes I'm not happy, so I'm out of here.

As a result many of us who work with marriages have focused more on saying that marriage is about serving the other person-that we need to plan to endure times of tribulation, work hard, and not expect a primrose path.

And all of that is true. But when that is all we share about marriage, we and everyone else begin to a.s.sume that most marriages aren't happy. It is so easy to discourage people about marriage without intending to! If it's not going to be the abundant, joyful, delightful union my heart is longing for, the average young person might think, and if getting married doesn't make my companions.h.i.+p with this other person better, why bother getting married? One well-respected marriage and family pastor discussed it with me this way: Gary Thomas's book Sacred Marriage is one of my top two favorite marriage books. That subt.i.tle is amazing: What If G.o.d Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy? And I see how G.o.d uses my own marriage to teach me the truth of unconditional love.

But I think the problem in the church is that we've also developed this tone that marriage is a bit of a beat-down and by G.o.d's design it is supposed to be a bit brutal. Paul says that those who marry will have trouble. We need to preach that, but we shouldn't say, ”Marriage will teach you to endure,” without also highlighting things like Proverbs 5:18, ”Rejoice in the wife of your youth”!

We need to say that G.o.d's ultimate design is that I'm supposed to enjoy marriage with my wife and walk through this life with her! That is just as much in the Bible. Gary Thomas is right about countering romanticism, but I wonder if now the pendulum has swung too much the other way. We need to hold out the need to work on your marriage, without saying that G.o.d is trying to make you miserable with marriage!

”We need to say that G.o.d's ultimate design is that I'm supposed to enjoy marriage with my wife and walk through this life with her!”

A few years back, Jeff and I were doing a weekend marriage conference for a ministry outside of Boston. We mentioned how easy it is to fall into a pattern of saying ”Marriage is hard” even though, despite the inevitable challenges, most people would not actually describe their marriage that way. What seems much more universal and accurate, we shared, is that we sometimes have to work hard in our marriages.

The wors.h.i.+p leader and Christian singer at that event was Danny Oertli, and as we were saying this, I happened to look over to where he and his wife were sitting and noticed that his mind looked a hundred miles away.

The next week he e-mailed us, ”Something in your talk inspired me. To be honest, once I heard you guys say it, I zoned out and went into 'songwriter world.' You were talking about how people always say marriage is so hard, when it often really isn't. We totally relate! So here's a super-rough version of a song I wrote yesterday and scratched out late last night.”

Jeff and I listened to his song together, and when we got to the chorus, we had tears in our eyes. Here are just the opening lyrics. (You can hear the whole rough cut of the song at our website for this book, , but I'm hoping Danny officially records it at some point!) It's So Hard (unpublished song by Danny Oertli)60 I can still remember what the preacher said, when we were at the altar hand in hand.

All his words were filled with gloom and dread, about how hard a marriage is, harder than you think.

Well I'm glad I didn't turn and run that night. Because all these years later, I guess he did get one thing right.

[Chorus]

It's so hard to leave you in the morning, It's so hard not to think of you all day, And it's so hard just waiting for your loving.

And I agree with what that preacher said: it's so hard.

It is so vital for us to affirm that although there are many marriages that are hard or go through hard times, that most of the time, marriage is delightful-that it's okay to hope and work for that type of marriage, even as we emphasize that not having it is never an excuse to give up.

Because the good-news truth is that in most cases marriage is the most amazing, delightful, and profound earthly relations.h.i.+p that any of us will ever know. The truth is that although most couples have to work at marriage, and some will go through very hard times, most come out the other side and enjoy each other for a lifetime. The truth is that although we can never look to marriage to make us happy, we need to be trumpeting the fact that when a couple chooses wisely and then takes the scary but wonderful step of commitment for life, they are much more likely to have that abundant relations.h.i.+p they are hoping for.

Summary * Most people erroneously a.s.sume that most marriages aren't particularly happy, which is very demoralizing.

* Many people are cynical about marriage-or avoid it entirely-as a result.

* In reality, though, around 80 percent of marriages are happy, with around 30 percent being very happy!

* The vast majority (93 percent or more) are glad they married their spouse and would do it all over again-including those who had at one time considered divorce.

* Most of those who are the least happy will be the most happy if they stay committed for five years.

* Marriage may require hard work, but that doesn't mean that most marriages are hard. For most couples, marriage is the most delightful earthly relations.h.i.+p that they will ever know.

Good News #2 The vast majority of marriages are happy (around 80 percent)! Most people are glad they married their spouse and, given the chance, would do it all over again.

4.

How Active Faith Lowers the Divorce Rate

Few things are more unsettling than working hard, trying to do the right things, and getting no more benefit than someone who does all the wrong things and doesn't care. Similarly, few things are more demoralizing than working hard to teach others to do the right things and seeing the same dynamic unfold.

Thankfully, doing the right things usually leads to a payoff. Eating right keeps you healthier than those who don't, and teaching a child to study hard usually earns him higher grades.

But those in the faith community have become disheartened by the idea that this same principle doesn't seem to apply to marriage. Pastors and priests have worked so hard to support couples through premarital counseling, teaching the important precepts that the Bible says will protect marriages, and counseling those with troubled marriages. Many churchgoers have tried hard to follow biblical marriage principles about selflessness, love, respect, forgiveness, and keeping no record of wrongs, even when it is difficult.

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