Chapter 30 Part2 (1/2)

Candle: Ok I think I figured it out… So the updates are supposed to be at 6pm EST (3pm PST) every Monday but I kept setting it to 3pm these past few weeks because I'm on the west coast atm. BUT this blog is on EST so it would come out at 12pm PST….but I didn't notice b/c I'm an idiot. I guess we'll just continue releasing 3 hours earlier for now.

I lifted the blanket resting atop the wheelchair to reveal my new red satin shoes.

Enthralled, I ran my hands over them. It was as if they bore the weight of all my dreams. Sitting in the wheelchair, I stuck out my legs, and proudly displayed the shoes. My arms gently swayed.

Then, I finally mustered up all my courage and stood up from the wheelchair. I attempted to take a small step, toe pointed in caution. Then, my face lit up in joy and excitement. I took another step. And another. And another. Finally, my hunched back straightened. Like the lone narcissus flower, I overflowed with self-love and pride, and radiated with light.

I twirled in the air and leapt with joy. The hem of my dress soared.

But then, I saw Yin Xuan, my sister. Her dancing was n.o.ble and reserved, and she held her chin high. I wanted to draw closer, but the spotlight that illuminated her was too dazzling. I was blinded by the light and retreated. I hunched over once again. Outside her halo of light, I spun and danced. My posture was crude, and it was as if I was crawling. I started learning from her. However, the shadows we cast were different. Hers was graceful and beautiful. Yet mine, a poor imitation, were seemingly in disarray.

I started venting at my shadow. I chased it, wanting to tear it apart. But this was naturally futile.

Faint applause sounded from the corner my sister was in. And so finally, my face warped into a vile expression.

I was angry. I was resentful.

I leapt towards her in an arching leap. The music crescendoed.  She still danced the same slow, graceful ch.o.r.eography. Yet I seemed to have evolved into the devil. My footwork was chaotic and carried intense emotion. I twirled and leapt nonstop, as if I could draw upon a bottomless well of explosive energy.

I wanted to dance my despair, my tears, and all my envy and struggles.

As a wheelchair-bound girl who was paralyzed for almost my entire life, I was quiet and withdrawn. But at this moment, in my conjured dreamland, I was able to dance, just like my sister. I danced with fervor. The movement of my arms told of all that I had suppressed. My robbed youth that I spent in a wheelchair was embodied in every turn and movement I made.

Every muscle of mine quivered, and I could hear my own heart pounding fiercely.

I was her, and she was me.

I didn't want to be the handicapped girl who was pitied by others. I also wanted to dazzle onstage; I desperately wanted to show who I was. I wanted everyone's gazes to fall on me. I wanted everyone to applaud for me.

Because of that, I hated my sister. I hated how she could stand in such a bright place, yet I would never be able to dazzle like her.

Then, Yin Xuan and I exchanged a glance. Under the lights, half of her face was cast in shadow. But her eyes were fixed on me.

She suddenly abandoned the slow, graceful ch.o.r.eography that the director and ch.o.r.eographer had agreed upon. She shook off the ”refined” label and leapt to face me. Our faces were inches away from each other. Her gaze was unyielding and wild.

That was the real her.

I danced a move. Then she did the same move in the opposite direction. Our eyes were on fire and between us, there was an unspeakable air.

I danced three difficult moves in a row. Yin Xuan closely followed. We danced nonstop in the air. As one rose, the other fell. It was a fervent battle.

The music became more intense and drowned out the scuffing sounds of our shoes.

I saw the words in her eyes. She was also dancing her role. She was the elder sister, and had cared for her handicapped sister for many years without a single complaint. In her heart, she pitied her sister yet also hated her role as elder sister.

Her expression seemed to say: ”Why the h.e.l.l are you unhappy when I have to endure so much hards.h.i.+p? Why the h.e.l.l are you able to live an easy life when I'm struggling to survive in the outside world? Why the h.e.l.l do I have to bind such useless baggage to my wings? You think I'm too dazzling. Yet you never realize that you're able to live such a comfortable life because of that!”

She danced with the same fervor.

We glared at each other and circled one another from afar. We were sisters who loved but also hated each other.

After the last grand jete, Yin Xuan suddenly closed the between us distance and hugged me around the waist. The dance changed from a sparring battle to a unified duet.

She advanced and I retreated. I soared in the air and she spun on the ground.

It was as if we were one body that was only temporarily separated by dance.

Or as if we were each others' mirror. I looked at her and she looked at me. Our movements were identical yet unique. We were able to see our own flaws reflected in the other person.