Volume I Part 12 (2/2)
WIDOW (_rising_). ”Git out, I say--I ain't a-gwine to start'
here and be insulted under my own ruff--and so git along--and if ever you darken my door again, or say a word to Melissy, it'll be the woss for you--that's all.”
MR. C. ”Treemenjous! What a buster!”
WIDOW. ”Go 'long--go 'long--go 'long, you everlastin' old gum.
I won't hear another word” [stops her ears]. ”I won't, I won't, I won't.”
[_Exit Mr. Crane._
(_Enter Melissa, accompanied by Captain Canoot._)
”Good-evenin', Cappen Well, Melissy, hum at last, hey? Why didn't you stay till mornin'? Party business keepin' me up here so late waitin' for you--when I'm eny most tired to death ironin' and workin' like a slave all day--ought to ben abed an hour ago. Thought ye left me with agreeable company, hey? I should like to know what arthly reason you had to s'pose old Crane was agreeable to me? I always despised the critter; always thought he wuz a turrible fool--and now I'm convinced on't. I'm completely disgusted wit him--and I let him know it to-night. I gin him a piece o' my mind 't I guess he'll be apt to remember for a spell. I ruther think he went off with a flea in his ear. Why, Cappen--did ye ever hear of such a piece of audacity in all yer born days? for _him_--_Tim Crane_--to durst to expire to my hand--the widder o' Deacon Bedott, jest as if _I'd_ condescen' to look at _him_--the old numbskull!
He don't know B from a broomstick; but if he'd a-stayed much longer I'd a-teached him the difference, I guess. He's got his _walkin' ticket_ now--I hope he'll lemme alone in futur. And where's Kier? Gun hum with the Cranes, hey! Well, I guess it's the last time. And now, Melissy Bedott, you ain't to have nothin' more to dew with them gals--d'ye hear?
You ain't to 'sociate with 'em at all arter this--twould only be incurridgin' th' old man to come a-pesterin' me agin--and I won't have him round--d'ye hear? Don't be in a hurry, Cappen--and don't be alarmed at my gittin' in such pa.s.sion about old Crane's presumption. Mabby you think 'twas onfeelin' in me to use him so--an' I don't say but what 'twas _ruther_, but then he's so awful disagreeable tew me, you know--'tain't _everybody_ I'd treat in such a way. Well, if you _must_ go, good-evenin'! Give my love to Hanner when you write agin--dew call frequently, Cappen Canoot, dew.”--_The Bedott Papers._
THE STAMMERING WIFE
When deeply in love with Miss Emily Pryne, I vowed, if, the maiden would only be mine, I would always endeavor to please her.
She blushed her consent, though the stuttering la.s.s Said never a word except ”You're an a.s.s---- An a.s.s--an a.s.s-iduous teaser!”
But when we were married, I found to my ruth, The stammering lady had spoken the truth; For often, in obvious dudgeon, She'd say, if I ventured to give her a jog In the way of reproof--”You're a dog--you're a dog---- A dog--a dog-matic curmudgeon!”
And once when I said, ”We can hardly afford This extravagant style, with our moderate h.o.a.rd, And hinted we ought to be wiser.
She looked, I a.s.sure you, exceedingly blue, And fretfully cried, 'You're a Jew--you're a Jew---- A very ju-dicious adviser!'”
Again, when it happened that, wis.h.i.+ng to s.h.i.+rk Some rather unpleasant and arduous work, I begged her to go to a neighbor, She wanted to know why I made such a fuss, And saucily said, ”You're a cuss--cuss--cuss---- You were always ac-cus-tomed to labor!”
Out of temper at last with the insolent dame, And feeling that madam was greatly to blame To scold me instead of caressing, I mimicked her speech--like a churl that I am-- And angrily said, ”You're a dam--dam--dam A dam-age instead of a blessing!”
JOHN G.o.dFREY SAXE.
HE ROSE TO THE OCCASION
Several years ago there labored in one of the Western villages of Minnesota a preacher who was always in the habit of selecting his texts from the Old Testament, and particularly some portion of the history of Noah. No matter what the occasion was, he would always find some parallel incident from the history of this great character that would readily serve as a text or ill.u.s.tration.
At one time he was called upon to unite the daughter of the village mayor and a prominent attorney in the holy bonds of matrimony. Two little boys, knowing his determination to give them a portion of the sacred history touching Noah's marriage, hit upon the novel idea of pasting together two leaves in the family Bible so as to connect, without any apparent break, the marriage of Noah and the description of the Ark of the Covenant.
When the noted guests were all a.s.sembled and the contracting parties with attendants in their respective stations, the preacher began the ceremonies by reading the following text: ”And when Noah was one hundred and forty years old, he took unto himself a wife” (then turning the page he continued) ”three hundred cubits in length, fifty cubits in width, and thirty cubits in depth, and within and without besmeared with pitch.” The story seemed a little strong, but he could not doubt the Bible, and after reading it once more and reflecting a moment, he turned to the startled a.s.semblage with these remarks: ”My beloved brethren, this is the first time in the history of my life that my attention has been called to this important pa.s.sage of the Scriptures, but it seems to me that it is one of the most forcible ill.u.s.trations of that grand eternal truth, that the nature of woman is exceedingly difficult to comprehend.”
POLITE
In her ”Abandoning an Adopted Farm,” Miss Kate Sanborn tells of her annoyance at being besieged by agents, reporters and curiosity seekers.
She says: ”I was so perpetually hara.s.sed that I dreaded to see a stranger approach with an air of business. The other day I was just starting out for a drive when I noticed the usual stranger hurrying on.
Putting my head out of the carriage, I said in a petulant and weary tone, 'Do you want to see me?' The young man stopped, smiled, and replied courteously, 'It gives me pleasure to look at you, madam, but I was going farther on.'”
<script>