Volume I Part 4 (2/2)
”What's that?” the startled master cries; ”That, thir,” a little imp replies, ”Wath William Willith, if you pleathe---- I thaw him kith Thuthanna Peathe!”
With frown to make a statue thrill, The master thundered, ”Hither, Will!”
Like wretch o'ertaken in his track, With stolen chattels on his back, Will hung his head in fear and shame, And to the awful presence came---- A great, green, bashful simpleton, The b.u.t.t of all good-natured fun.
With smile suppressed, and birch upraised, The thunderer faltered--”I'm amazed That you, my biggest pupil, should Be guilty of an act so rude!
Before the whole set school to boot---- What evil genius put you to't?”
”'Twas she herself, sir,” sobbed the lad; ”I did not mean to be so bad; But when Susannah shook her curls, And whispered, I was 'fraid of girls And dursn't kiss a baby's doll, I couldn't stand it, sir, at all, But up and kissed her on the spot!
I know--boo--hoo--I ought to not, But, somehow, from her looks--boo--hoo---- I thought she kind o' wished me to!”
WILLIAM PITT PALMER.
A RENDITION
Two old British sailors were talking over their sh.o.r.e experience. One had been to a cathedral and had heard some very fine music, and was descanting particularly upon an anthem which gave him much pleasure. His s.h.i.+pmate listened for awhile, and then said:
”I say, Bill, what's a hanthem?”
”What,” replied Bill, ”do you mean to say you don't know what a hanthem is?”
”Not me.”
”Well, then, I'll tell yer. If I was to tell yer, 'Ere, Bill, give me that 'andspike,' that wouldn't be a hanthem;' but was I to say, 'Bill, Bill, giv, giv, give me, give me that, Bill, give me, give me that hand, handspike, hand, handspike, spike, spike, spike, ah-men, ahmen. Bill, givemethat-handspike, spike, ahmen!' why, that would be a hanthem.”
B. P. s.h.i.+LLABER (”Mrs. Partington”)
FANCY DISEASES
”Diseases is very various,” said Mrs. Partington, as she returned from a street-door conversation with Doctor Bolus. ”The Doctor tells me that poor old Mrs. Haze has got two buckles on her lungs! It is dreadful to think of, I declare. The diseases is so various! One way we hear of people's dying of hermitage of the lungs; another way, of the brown creatures; here they tell us of the elementary ca.n.a.l being out of order, and there about tonsors of the throat; here we hear of neurology in the head, there, of an embargo; one side of us we hear of men being killed by getting a pound of tough beef in the sarcof.a.gus, and there another kills himself by discovering his jocular vein. Things change so that I declare I don't know how to subscribe for any diseases nowadays. New names and new nostrils takes the place of the old, and I might as well throw my old herb-bag away.”
Fifteen minutes afterward Isaac had that herb-bag for a target, and broke three squares of gla.s.s in the cellar window in trying to hit it, before the old lady knew what he was about. She didn't mean exactly what she said.
BAILED OUT
”So, our neighbour, Mr. Guzzle, has been arranged at the bar for drunkardice,” said Mrs. Partington; and she sighed as she thought of his wife and children at home, with the cold weather close at hand, and the searching winds intruding through the c.h.i.n.ks in the windows, and waving the tattered curtain like a banner, where the little ones stood s.h.i.+vering by the faint embers. ”G.o.d forgive him, and pity them!” said she, in a tone of voice tremulous with emotion.
”But he was bailed out,” said Ike, who had devoured the residue of the paragraph, and laid the paper in a pan of liquid custard that the dame was preparing for Thanksgiving, and sat swinging the oven door to and fro as if to fan the fire that crackled and blazed within.
”Bailed out, was he?” said she; ”well, I should think it would have been cheaper to have pumped him out, for, when our cellar was filled, arter the city fathers had degraded the street, we had to have it pumped out, though there wasn't half so much in it as he has swilled down.”
She paused and reached up on the high shelves of the closet for her pie plates, while Ike busied himself in tasting the various preparations.
The dame thought that was the smallest quart of sweet cider she had ever seen.
SEEKING A COMET
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