Chapter 63 (2/2)

“Shao’er’s innate talents are excellent, but her personality is indolent and careless. If she wants to learn, I’ll teach her. If she doesn’t, she can do as she pleases. A person only has one life. To live a day happily is a worthy day.”

I used to think he didn’t care for me, but…he thought the same way I did. As long as we could be with the person we wanted to, then our hearts would be content. Such a simple reasoning, such a deep and hidden love, yet I’d overlooked it completely before. Affections in the world took on all sorts of flavors before one understood them. Fang Hua didn’t compete with Han Zichuan. He didn’t know how to spoil a person, nor did he intentionally betray his feelings. When I finally understand, it was too late…and when I thought of that, my heart would suddenly hurt again.

Suddenly, someone grabbed the robes around my knees. A sweaty little Fang Hua asked me, “Mother, are you feeling unwell?” Surprised, I lifted my eyes to peer at him. He was looking at me with his body by my side, an anxious expression on his face.

I laughed in spite of myself and touched his hair, saying lightly, “It’s fine, I’ll be okay after I rest for awhile.” He didn’t think so, but grabbed me tightly with both hands as if I’d disappear if he let go. Silly child…with you here, how could I bear to leave? Nothing could distract me from you.

“What kind of person was father?”

Father…

I lowered my head to look at him. His eyes were very big, as bright and clear as spring water. Those pupils had no knowledge of the world’s kindness or cruelty. I was the only thing in his eyes as I sat on the bench, but I’d never realized who he’d looked at with such an intent gaze.

“Mother.” He called out timidly.

“Your father spoke very little and liked to drink my wine.” Originally, I thought this child didn’t understand the differences between men and women, but later on I found out he was just teasing me.

“His medical skills were excellent, but he didn’t like to help others.”  And yet he’d gone to the palace for my sake without sending me a single message afterwards. “Your father…”

I looked at his delicate features, that familiar crease in the forehead, and felt my words grow stiff. “He was a temperate man with the grace of an immortal, skilled in both the arts and physical abilities.” And yet he’d hidden his feelings for me for ten whole years, languis.h.i.+ng in lovesickness by himself.

I used to think he loved eating red lotuses, but you told me they were bitter and astringent. Only then did I realize he liked more to watch me collect flowers from the pond for him. He enjoyed spending long and quiet evenings by himself, tasting just such a bitterness.

“Mother, did father not treat you well?”

“He did,” I lightly caressed his face, feeling my eyes grow hot. If he hadn’t treated me well, then there wouldn’t be you. He squatted on his feet, little fingers brus.h.i.+ng against my eyes.

“Mother, why are you crying…?”

I couldn’t stop my tears from flowing because of the grief in my heart. The crus.h.i.+ng depression made my cover my mouth in a coughing fit, wracking my body with pain.

“Mother.”

Exhausted, I opened my eyes again.

“I’ll definitely be like father. I’ll learn all sorts of skills and medical arts to heal you,” he sprawled over my knees, gripping my hands tightly as he knelt on the ground with a taut expression.

I smiled, exerting my energy to touch the teardrop-shaped mole by his eye, fingers trembling slightly. He had the exact same face as Fang Hua with that mole. It was a delicate and charming shade of red.

“Child, don’t copy your father.”

Fang Hua, I can’t live for much longer. I just want you to have a good life.

—

Five months later.

“Mother, these robes are too big. I can’t fit in them.”

Fang Hua resembled a seventeen-year-old youth now, graceful in bearing and gait.

“Nonsense. You can age a year in ten days. There’s no telling if these robes will be too short by tomorrow,” I only smiled and kept my head bowed, sewing more clothes.

“So troublesome,” he suddenly looked at me with a brilliant smile. “Maybe it’s better if I wear nothing at all. It’ll save you from mending and patching all day.”

I was speechless.

He sure was something, saying such words. I didn’t believe for a moment that a big boy like him would dare to walk around naked. If this was the Fang Hua of the past, he’d rather die instead. Laughing softly, I kept my hands busy tying a knot before biting off the ends with my teeth. Then I grabbed another shoe-pad and closed my eyes to catch my breath.

Day after day, I continued to drag out my existence despite my previous loss of blood and vitality. I was now like a flickering flame in the wind, uncertain of when it’d go out. As a result, I prepared all sorts of shoes, waist sashes, and robes in various sizes–for a seventeen-year-old, nineteen-year-old, twenty-year-old… My heart suddenly ached involuntarily. A hand rested atop mine as he knelt on the ground to peer at me.

“Look at how tired you are. Quickly, lie down and rest a bit.”

I really wanted to prepare everything in case he grew up overnight. Counting the days that’d pa.s.sed by so far, it wouldn’t be long before he became an adult. He looked at me with a quiet smile, rising to drape a robe over his shoulders as he tied it in place. His figure looked just like…

“It’s so late, where are you going?”

The warm lamp light shone on his face as he turned to face me. “I’ve been studying father’s medical books these past few days. I suddenly found one with a formula for something that might cure your illness, so I want to look for the proper plants.”

“Then come back after a few days. Don’t stay away for too long.”

He responded in agreement before happily setting out the door. I watched his retreating form in a daze, thinking that they really did look identical. In reality…where could there be a pill formula to save me? I’d already treated myself multiple times. Only if Fang Hua revived completely, then maybe he could think of a method on his own.

Forget it. It was good for him to have experience. When I was gone, he’d be the only one left, so he should get used to being lonely. Tired, I leaned against the bench and fell into exhaustion. Lately I’d been thinking back to the peaceful days I’d lived with Fang Hua. The memories would always make me smile. Raising my head, I brushed my hands against a robe laid out on the side, feeling a knife in my heart. Only after all this time had pa.s.sed did I understand Fang Hua’s feelings.

—

When the young Fang Hua left, it was to disappear for multiple days. A bird flew into the courtyard today, though it wasn’t the parrot from before. I’d occasionally remember events from the past and think they happened a long time ago. The princes, Nongyu, the emperor…these people all seemed very far from me now. My reflection in the mirror looked noticeably weary, the face extremely skinny and ashen white…

Actually, I was still young. It was just my heart that had aged.

I roused myself with effort and used the walls for support as I walked to the courtyard, hearing the sound of the bamboo. Wrapping my robes tightly around myself, I slowly sank onto the bamboo bench. Recently, I’d get sleepy as soon as I lied down. It really seemed that I wouldn’t live for much longer.

I calculated on my fingers that Fang Hua should reach adulthood today. After physically turning eighteen, he’d be no different from mortal humans. As long as he wasn’t hurt by sentiment, he could live for a long time. When I’d met Fang Hua at the dilapidated temple, he must have just come of age as well. I used to wonder why the little Fang Hua couldn’t remember me, but I didn’t think about that anymore. I accepted him calling me mother. As long as the rest of his days were carefree, then it was fine.

After sitting briefly, my body couldn’t hold out anymore, so I lied down on the bench instead. I was falling asleep when my eyes suddenly opened to the sound of rustling leaves in the wind. I felt satisfied and content, as if I had returned to the past.

—

“Shao’er, it should be seven parts Stomach-Cutting Gra.s.s and three parts Five Stone Dispersions.”

“Then why are you doing half-half right now?”

—

“Master, you’re smelling the Drunken Dream of Lovemaking right now.”

“Master, does your body feel hot?”

“Do you feel anything strange anywhere on your body? Master, why is your face turning red?”

—

“Your disciple was wrong. Won’t you say something?”

“Master, look at this bird. The marketplace said there’s a type of bird called a parrot that knows how to say lots of things. How come you don’t say words for days on end?”

“…a little bit. Master never answers me or spoils me.”

“Silly, why wouldn’t I spoil you? When you turn fifteen, I’ll give you the very best. I think if I can find you a companion, you won’t be lonely anymore.”

—

“Master, what do you think of Zichuan?”

“He’s very close and knows things I don’t know.”

—

“Save some for Zichuan, don’t finish everything by yourself.”

“Un.”

“Un, he’s very good. Are you saying he’s better than me?”

“Master, why did you kick the table? It took me so much work to wipe it clean.”

—

“Nope.”

“If you loved him so much, why did you distance yourself back then?”

“Many things you can’t just judge from the surface. Just like here. It used to be a wasteland, but now it’s filled with beauty that few places in the world can compare to. Life is but a moment. Fang Hua will only bloom in a brief instant in one lifetime, and for one person.”

—

Shao’er, you should know that Fang Hua only opens for a single person.

—

My lips curved into a smile as I slowly closed my eyes. It was enough to have lived this long…when it was the time to die, I’d be less reluctant to leave. It was a pity that there was no one here to record our story.

Fang Hua, you should know. Our time together in the bamboo forest was the happiest time in my life. I have no regrets…it was Shao’er’s luck to be able to live two lifetimes with you. Everyone says that three lifetimes is enough to bring two lovers together, but I want to live with you in every lifetime. In our next life, let me be the one to look for you, all right?

Wait for me in this bamboo grove…

There was a sudden sound of a kick from outside, though it might have been me hearing things. With a pow, the door suddenly flew open and someone stepped inside. I opened my eyes, dazzled by the pleasantly warm suns.h.i.+ne. I saw a set of white robes that seemed both real and imaginary. That person stood looking at me quietly from the door as time seemed to stop. His face was full of affection, and it was evident that the clothes on his body were a little bit stretched. Such a complicated expression made him look as if he had 10,000 things to say.

Was Fang Hua…finally here to pick me up?

The pear blossoms had bloomed, scattering the air with a rain of flowers. He only said one thing.

“Shao’er.”

Surprised, I raised a sleeve to cover my mouth, helpless as tears flowed down my face.

In an instance of spring, the trees bloomed with youth. For an instance of Shao Hua, a tree full of Fang Hua bloomed.

If this was all a dream, then I would rather keep sleeping and never wake up…