Chapter 61 (2/2)
When I hugged you and heard you calling me master over and over again, my heart broke into pieces. But I also grew more determined to do one thing.
Don’t resent me for hiding my love when you recovered your memories. I have no way to take care of you anymore. Without my youth, I was slowly aging. All the emotions I’d experienced this life had hurt me deeply. If I were to revive again, I’d definitely drink up all your blood and take your life. It was already hard for me to bear this pain. If I came back again only to see your corpse, I’d rather have you live on by yourself instead.
Shao’er, just listen to me one more time.
If you die to bring me back to life, forcing me to live on this earth alone, I’d only suffer from our separation and waste your blood. If our love was never meant to bear fruit, then I’d rather set you free. I’d rather you never remember me for the rest of your life.
—
Shao’er, you’re so good. So good. There will definitely be someone else to take care of you in my place. Maybe you’ll gradually forget about me, but I’ll always be watching you from the Heavens. When you hear the sound of flowers blooming, carried along by the wind, that will be the sound of my heart beating for you.
Shao’er…remember this.
In an instance of spring, the trees bloomed with youth.
—
“Master, why do you always call me Shao’er?”
“Did you have a name before?”
“No.” They called me little ragam.u.f.fin, beggar, and urchin, but those didn’t count as names…
“Then it’s correct. When you comb your hair up, the back of it looks like a spoon handle[2]. Don’t you think this name is pretty good?”
When he said these words, his face seemed to glow with light. His smile was very warm. Still, hearing them only made me depressed. He suddenly laughed and gathered me into a hug.
“Your name is Shao Hua.”
A long time pa.s.sed before I understood that Shao Hua was Shao Hua[3].
In an instance of spring, the trees bloomed with youth.
For an instance of Shao Hua, a tree full of Fang Hua bloomed.
Shao Hua remained the same, but Fang Hua was already dead…
—
The skies glowed with the rays of the setting sun, tranquil and calm. Fang Hua stood before the tomb in his white robes, his dim image being swept away in pieces by the wind. His head was lowered to look at me quietly, and a calm smile was on his face. I raised my face while holding back the dreary grief in my heart, opening my eyes as wide as I could to take the sight of him in…
Even though we were only a step apart, it was like the difference between Heaven and Earth. We stared at each other with all the weight of our love. I bore my pain as best as I could, groping with a hand to try and touch his flickering form.
“Fang Hua, I was wrong.” I’ll treat you better so you’re never sad again…
He only gave me a pitying smile and kept staring, as if trying to see if I was telling the truth. A sleeve rose as he reached a hand towards me. We were only a hair’s width apart, yet I couldn’t even touch his fingers. I only grabbed air before slipping right through that hand.
“I’m begging you, please don’t go.”
With no other choice, he kept smiling. I desperately tried to hold onto him, but grasped nothing. His indistinct image stood beneath the boundless horizon, disappearing after the next gust of wind. His sorrowful eyes lingered the longest before everything vanished. Nongyu was stunned. I lost all my strength and sank to the ground. Before I could react, the Fang Hua wood began to glow. I wiped my eyes on my sleeves, my mind completely blank.
The red Fang Hua wood contained the spirit of his soul and shone with dazzling light that lit up the whole sky. The setting sun gradually faded in brilliance to a warm glow. In that moment, another mirage appeared with various scenes of the past, some strange and unfamiliar as they flitted past my eyes. It was only a brief flash, but I saw all the memories buried within Fang Hua’s body. They were carved into his bones, these memories of his past life, etched so deeply that it made me ache with pain.
—
The clouds in the sky reflected the sunset, showing the form of a white-robed man before the burial mound. He blocked the sun with his hands as his alluring lips drew into a beautiful smile. Abruptly, he lowered his head and dug out the bit of red wood in the dirt. There was warmth in his hands as he used a small knife to whittle the branch into the shape of a hairpin.
—
Within a house, a white-robed man was squatting in front of the stove, carefully feeding wood into the fire. In one hand, he awkwardly held a fan to fan the flames. Suddenly, the flames leapt up from the stove, scattering sparks everywhere. Frightened, the man fell to the ground, clapping his hands as he went to fumble for water in a large crock. It took awhile before he ladled a dipper-full straight atop the cooking range. The fire went out and the man stared at the aftermath, not knowing where he’d gone wrong. Smoke had dyed his white robes gray, and his filthy face was covered in soot, except for a bright red mole at the corner of one eye. He looked adorable.
—
Numerous scenes like these floated past the clouds, s.h.i.+fting and changing as they sucked in the person’s soul. All of them flickered past my eyes…
A common-looking court lady snuck into one of the palace rooms under cover of moonlight. She stealthily leaned against a table before rifling through the bag left on its surface. The man was lying on his side on the bed, watching her work with a broad smile. When the girl turned back, he immediately shut his eyes before slowly opening them again to see her.
The court lady took out all the items in the bag. She couldn’t help but tug on her wrinkling face mask from time to time, unable to hide her surprise and delight. In the dark, he kept watching her with a face filled with warmth. The moonlight was like water, quietly illuminating the secret hearts of these two people.
—
In an empty house amongst the bamboo, a lifeless man walked through room after room before coming to a stop. A parrot flew onto his shoulder. He played with the bird a bit before finally showing a smile. His mouth opened and closed, as if he was teaching it how to speak. After a long while, the parrot stuck out a claw to clean its feathers.
He stopped smiling, but stood there quietly, hand slowly stroking a set of robes on a bed. He seemed reluctant to part with it before picking up a wooden comb resting on a dressing table. Fingers gripped around it so tight that they began to bleed, and yet he only lowered his head to smell the scent of the comb, eyebrows furrowing with grief. Again and again, he called that person’s name in sorrow.
—
The colors of the memories were much brighter now. The reflection of the setting sun brought us back to a kitchen, where a man was sitting dejectedly on the floor. He wrinkled his brows as he chewed on his sleeve, faint sweat gathering on his face. Despite his pain, he was smiling in satisfaction. Pieces of his flesh mixed with other ingredients to cook slowly over the fire. His sleeve grew damp as he carefully carried a small cup of medicine into the girl’s rooms. After a while, he remembered something and went back to wrap up some candied fruit from the kitchens. Returning to the girl’s room, he prepared to knock on the door–but saw that she had dumped out all his medicine. Stunned, he leaned against the wall, eyes closed in a helpless smile, before turning to walk away.
—
A strong gust of wind swept away the remaining clouds to reveal clear skies. The images grew fainter and fainter until only one remained.
The mole at the corner of the man’s eye was already dark red. A girl slept soundly beneath the covers as he watched from the foot of her bed. Outside the window, apricot blossoms fell like rain beneath the pleasant suns.h.i.+ne. He kept his quiet vigil, a few rays of sunlight hitting his form to give a golden sheen to his white robes. As he watched her face, he called her name over and over again, as if afraid of missing even one more second by her side.
And then, he drew closer with eyes shut to give her a kiss.
The girl simply rolled over in response. He remaining kneeling by the bed, staring at her back but not daring to touch her, face choked with soundless sobs.
—
The red wood faded as the mirage disappeared, leaving the skies empty. I stared upwards, my hands clenched as my heart shook. My body had long soaked up the love from all these years until it was engraved into my heart, carved into my bones, and buried deep in my marrow. It would follow me forever into eternity.
Fang Hua…thank you for loving me.
-o-
[1] deserved a beating (欠打) – qianda, basically meaning deserved to be taught a lesson, to be disciplined, etc.
[2] spoon handle – once again, the ‘shao’ in Shao’er is the same as the ‘shao’ for ‘spoon’.
[3] Shao Hua was Shao Hua (勺嬅是韶华) － shaohua s.h.i.+ shaohua, Shao’er’s full name Shao Hua (or “pretty spoon”) sounds the same as Shao Hua (or “beautiful springtime”) despite being written with different characters.