Part 29 (1/2)

”Not enough.” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Clare get out of her car and stretch her legs. ”I know I have a lot to be thankful for, Emilia, and most of it is because of you. You have done more than I could ever repay.”

”Nothing more than you deserve,” she said as we both stepped off the path. ”So why do I think there's a 'but' coming?”

”Because there's a big but coming, and don't you dare laugh at the pun.” She didn't. ”I hate that you feel like you have to take care of me all the time. I screwed up. Me. And you trying to fix everything, while appreciated, makes me feel less like your friend and more like a charity case.” Embarra.s.sment heated my skin, made the blood pound in my ears. Emilia shouldn't have to constantly take care of me as if I were a child. The fact that she felt like she did, made my humiliation unmanageable. ”When my best friend doesn't have enough confidence in me to let me figure things out on my own, it says more bad things about me than good things about her.”

She scratched her head. ”I'm not sure what we're talking about, Andi. Everything went well with Clare, but you're mad at me?”

”Not about Clare. About the lawyer. Why did you hire him?”

”Now I'm more confused. I didn't hire you a lawyer. You said you already had one.”

Who else could it have been? I only knew a few people who could pay four-hundred dollars an hour for an attorney, and two of them had just denied having done it. After glancing over to Clare, I closed my eyes. ”Hayden.” He already knew. He knew, and he'd tried to fix it with his money. He'd tried to fix me with his money. ”How did he find out who I was?”

Her brows came together for a moment, and then her mouth opened a bit. ”Oh.” Her cheeks, already reddened by exercise got even redder. ”Oh, yeah. Now it makes sense.”

”Not to me it doesn't.”

”I overheard Sara talking on the phone at the office. It sounded like a personal call and, since you know Sara, you know how hard I try to not hear her personal calls. So I only heard a little, and it didn't make any sense unless Hayden was on the other end of the line. She says her name at the beginning of every call, so maybe he thought she was you for a second?”

”What did she say?”

”I don't remember.” Emilia shrugged. ”It made no sense, so I shut my door and went back to work. I don't know what she told him.”

”It doesn't matter.” I couldn't be mad at Sara-she probably thought she was helping. She couldn't possibly have known what she was damaging.

Hayden knew. I'd told him Sara wasn't my real name, and he'd figured it out. Somehow. Maybe by my address, or my cell number, or any other way I'd let him into my life. He'd taken that and found out everything else because he never gave up. Throw enough money at something...

But he hadn't called me-he'd hired me a lawyer. Tried to solve my problems while keeping his distance, being professional. Somehow, that made everything worse-no one in my life thought I could solve my own problems.

No, what made it worse was that they were right. I'd been hiding behind a gla.s.s screen for so long, pretending that was reality, that I was safe and in control. But the only reason I was safe was because the people in my life kept sweeping up my problems for me. All so that I didn't have to deal with them. So I could stay hidden and not face them.

”I love you, Emilia,” I said. ”And I think you're amazing. But I can't keep hiding behind you. I need you to be my friend, not my keeper or my s.h.i.+eld.” If I was ever going to live, I had to stop hiding behind other people. I had to stop depending on them and start depending on myself.

”Do you know what's going on?” Emilia asked Clare as she walked toward us.

”I'm taking her to see Hayden.”

I shook my head. ”That's not going to happen. He already knows what I lied to him about.” I'd lied to him about my name, but never about who I really was. Not that it mattered to anyone but me. ”He's better off not hearing from me again.”

I wished...I wished I could start over, not be ashamed to tell him who I was, not hide online because I could be whoever I wanted to be, not who I really was.

It was so easy to pretend your past didn't exist when you weren't standing in front of someone, when all they knew was who you were at that exact moment in time.

From behind a screen, I'd been able to spend the last four years of my life actually being me. I could ignore the person I used to be, the stupid, insecure one who wanted to be loved so badly that I'd gone against everything I knew was right.

Clare and Emilia argued and came up with all sorts of scenarios, none of them plausible. I'd told Hayden to go away, but he hadn't. He'd found out who I really was. What would meeting him accomplish? I didn't have to stand in front of him to apologize. Plus, I was pretty sure he wouldn't want me to, now that he knew. He hadn't called, and I didn't blame him. Would he really want someone with my past, who'd broken the law again just to be able to work? Reasons were irrelevant, intention useless. I'd deceived him, put Emilia's a.s.s on the line, and really f.u.c.ked things up all in the name of doing the right thing. Which was just hilarious, really. Hilarious in an I-want-to-cry-but-not-from-laughter kind of way.

The feeling that overwhelmed me wasn't disappointment or anger, though. It was shame. Shame for what I'd done four years ago, shame for all the lies I'd told since, shame for allowing Emilia to risk everything she'd built, shame for leading Hayden into thinking that someone he shouldn't want was someone he did want.

”Emilia, how long will it take you to divvy up my clients among the other a.s.sistants?”

”Why would I do that?”

”Because I think I've finally learned my lesson.” I heard them call my name as I walked away. But I didn't turn, and thankfully, they didn't try to catch up. Because then I'd have to run away, and I didn't want to do that anymore.

38.

Hayden When Sira's name popped up on my cell phone, reminding me to change the name in her contact info, I was in the middle of lunch with the president of a small manufacturing business that might be able to help me salvage the Inspex deal. I waited as long as two vibrations before excusing myself, knowing I was probably s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g everything up just so she'd have another chance to tell me to go to h.e.l.l. But since it seemed unlikely that she would call to tell me to leave her alone, I would answer the phone.

By the time I was far enough away from the table, I'd missed it. So I called her back, hoping I hadn't blown my last shot. She picked up on the first ring. That was a good sign, wasn't it?

”I met Clare today.”

I inhaled. ”Did you? Why's that?”

”She wanted to let me know that she supported whatever happened between us.”

”Hopefully, she was more specific than that because I'd hate to think she would support you telling me to f.u.c.k off.”

”Yeah, she was more specific.”

I waited. There was so much uncertainty in her voice, so much tension, that I couldn't tell which way this was going to go. I braced myself for either.

”I'm...” she started. ”I can take care of myself.”

”I know you can.” I wanted to say more, but held back, knowing that if I didn't let her lead, she'd just disappear again.

”Then why did you decide to stick your nose into something you know nothing about?”

”I'm afraid you're going to have to be a bit more specific now because you seem to know exactly what you're referring to while I'm not as sure.” She could've been talking about her, love, or life in general.

”I don't need your lawyer, Hayden.”

Oh, that. After Detective Williams had left, I'd called the virtual a.s.sistant agency and spoken with the real Sara, just to have a few separate points of reference, to know I wasn't going crazy and imagining all of this. Unfortunately, as soon as I'd mentioned the name 'Andi,' it became pretty clear that I was finally hearing the truth. So I'd called an attorney friend, hoping he knew how I could learn more about the woman I wanted and how I could help her. Even if she didn't want to be in my life, I wanted her to have a good one.

”I was trying to help,” I said. ”I'm sorry if it didn't.”

”I didn't do it-what they're accusing me of. I wasn't involved at all.”

”I know.”

She laughed. ”That's it? 'I know?' How could you possibly know?”

”Because I've spent I don't know how many weeks giving you every reason I could think of for us to be together. And I've spent the same amount of time listening to you tell me that, despite what you want, what I was trying so hard to give you, you won't take it. Because it would be wrong. So knowing what I know about you-as little as that may be-I know you'd never be involved in someone's death.”