Part 27 (1/2)
Time? No. I'd already wasted too much of that. ”I thought you understood. My marriage was over before it began. It should've never happened. I've had years of waiting to start a new relations.h.i.+p, a real one, an honest one.” It was hard to speak because it was hard to breathe. My chest, my gut, too tight for air to pa.s.s through.
She wasn't supposed to do this. She was supposed to be my chance, my life. My body held on to my breath as my mind realized everything else was slipping away. ”I've waited so long for this already. I thought I was beginning again.”
”You are. You'll find a new job and can have any life you want. And I'm really happy for you.”
”How about being happy with me?”
”I...I can't. It's not right.”
”Stop saying that!” I shouted. ”Clare and I aren't together. We've never been together in anything other than name.” On a piece of paper, a commitment held together by loyalty, not love.
”I can't.”
”If it's a matter of you not believing me, I could send you proof. A note, maybe.”
”From your mom? 'I give my son permission to get into your pants?'”
I cursed. ”This isn't about getting in your pants. Why would you say that?” How could she say that? ”I don't know how else to prove to you that my marriage is over. I want-”
”To give me a note from your wife.” She laughed.
”Stop! It's not funny. It's just making the situation even more confusing.”
”That's because this is so insane. So stupid. You don't even know me, Hayden.”
”Not everything, obviously. But I know enough to know I want to get to know you.”
”Wow, there were a lot of 'no's' in that sentence.”
I sighed. ”All I want is a chance to see if it would work. It's a few dinners out, not a proposal.”
”Of course, it's not. Because you're already married!”
I bit down hard, not understanding why she said she believed me but still used it as an excuse. Why she needed an excuse. ”I get that you're having trouble taking my word for it. I do. It probably happens all the time to you-men you work for wanting more and lying to get it. But this doesn't happen to me. Ever. I don't know how else to convince you. What can I say to prove I'm telling you the truth?”
”Why are you shouting at me?”
”Because you infuriate me, and I'm not used to people doubting my word”-my voice trailed off-”and I want this so badly.”
”I shouldn't have slept with you, Hayden. It shouldn't have happened. It was unfair to you, and I'm sorry.”
”Then you're sorry for giving me the best night of my life.” I waited, listening to her shallow breaths but not knowing what else to say. After a few seconds, it stopped. No, it hadn't stopped, it had just continued somewhere I couldn't hear.
She'd hung up on me! d.a.m.n it, she actually hung up on me. I stopped myself from hurling my phone across the room just in time.
Yes, I was being unreasonable and demanding and acting like a total child. But I was so far out of my element, I didn't remember where my element was.
I was being a complete idiot. An obsessed idiot. But if she wasn't so- Another breath, deeper this time. She'd slept with me, not committed the rest of her life to me. Even if it had meant more to me than to her, I knew she didn't think it was a mistake. We fit too well to be a mistake. There was nothing holding us back now.
I needed to think, be rational, figure out why she was still fighting it. Step back and treat this with the same kind of logic I would any business negotiation. Because it was a negotiation at its core. And if I ever acted this way in a boardroom, my a.s.s would be out on the street before my coffee got cold. Don't be an idiot. I'd never been this desperate for anything in my life, and desperation is hardly an attractive attribute.
In a deal... Who was I kidding? If this were a deal, I'd have already given up, have been out the door and working on something else. But there was nothing else. This was the biggest deal of my life, and I couldn't lose it.
Think, you idiot. Do what you're good at. Objectivity. When the other party holds most-if not all-the cards, you don't allow them to stay angry. Anger breeds resentment. Resentment is an impossible hurdle, an unscalable wall. I picked up my phone and quickly dialed her number. Which I knew by heart because I was a complete idiot.
When the ringtone stopped, I knew she'd answered, but she didn't say anything.
”I'm sorry,” I said calmly. ”I didn't mean to yell at you. I need this to work, so tell me what I have to do to make it happen.”
”It won't. Because I screw everything up.” Her voice was small, weak-sounding. ”Even if it's as good as I think it would be...if we were together, I'd screw it up.”
”Prove it.”
”What?”
”If you're so sure you'll screw it up, then I want proof. A week. No, a month. Be with me for a month and let me see firsthand how you screw it up.”
”I know what you're trying to do, but I think it would be worse.”
”Worse than this?” I shouted, frustrated beyond my breaking point. ”You think anything could be worse than this?” All I heard was a m.u.f.fled hiccupping breath. Oh s.h.i.+t. I'd made her cry. ”Sara? I'm sorry.” Still no answer. ”Sara?”
”That's not my name,” she said softly.
”What?”
”My name is not Sara.”
”I...I don't understand.” I looked at my phone, even more confused than I was a moment ago, which shouldn't have been possible.
”My name isn't Sara. It's a fake name for a fake person. You want a fake person, Hayden. Not me.”
”We need to talk about this.”
”I'm not a good person. You deserve better.” And then the line went dead.
I sat back in my chair and scrubbed my forehead with my hands. I didn't understand. Not a single thing. I was so sick of people telling me what I deserved. I deserved a great career, a great life, a great love. Really? If I was so f.u.c.king deserving, then why the h.e.l.l was I sitting alone in a room with nothing?
Clare knocked on the door and then stuck her head in. ”Shannon and I are going out for more champagne. Do you want anything?” Then she rushed forward, her face full of concern. ”Hayden, what's wrong?” I shook my head, unable to speak. She knelt down in front of me, her hands on my thighs. ”Hayden? What happened? Are you okay?”
Confusion had numbed my mind, but I could still feel the pain everywhere else.
”Oh, baby. What happened?” She pulled her sleeve over her hand and wiped my cheeks and just under my eyes. ”It'll be okay.”
”I'm...fine, Clare.” I pushed her away. ”Everything is fine.”
What a lie. Fine meant nothing. And nothing would ever be better than fine.