Part 25 (1/2)
33.
Andi I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt no inclination to turn on my computer, check my messages, and work for a couple of hours. Maybe it was due to all the times Hayden and I had 'connected' last night and this morning. So I stayed in bed, dozing, until I heard him curse. Not from next to me, like he should've been, but from the kitchen. Where he shouldn't have been. I jumped out of bed, threw on my robe and went to go find him before he found out anything about me I should've already told him.
I suck. How could I have slept with him before doing the whole confession-I'm-not-who-you-think-I-am thing? What kind of person did that? A selfish one. A scared-as-h.e.l.l one. One who wished there were a way to not have a past at all, and just live in the moment. Wasn't that the advice shrinks gave-don't live in the past and all that s.h.i.+t. And, here I was, doing it again-except this time, I was dragging someone amazing down with me.
”Hey!” I got to the kitchen just as he poured two cups of coffee into the sink.
”I'm not coming back here again-”
I inhaled.
”-without a decent coffee maker. I can't even bring myself to call this coffee.” He grimaced. ”Let's go out to breakfast.”
”You're not my only client, you know. It's Monday. I have to get some stuff done.” Like sitting down and figuring out a way to explain all my lies in a way that wouldn't make him hate me. That kind of s.h.i.+t took focus-something that was hard to come by while he was within groping distance. Speaking of...I removed my finger that had somehow found its way to his abs, tracing the little squares that intensified every time he exhaled.
He nodded silently. ”I'm moving too quickly, aren't I?”
”You? No. Well...” No, but last night had. ”This is all a little unexpected. And there's a lot we need to talk about.”
”I'm not sure what you do when you go to a restaurant with someone, but I tend to fit in some talking as well as eating.” He ran his fingers through his normally slick and perfect hair, messing it up even more perfectly. ”And I'm fairly sure I can keep my hands off you through most of it.”
Ugh. ”I can't go out with someone who looks like they just got out of bed.”
”Since I wouldn't want to embarra.s.s you...” He slipped his arms around me and picked me up. ”Let's jump in the shower. Then you can take out someone who looks like he can't wait to go back to bed.”
Shockingly, he got both of us into the bathroom without smacking my feet or my head into any walls. He set me down and turned on the shower. Thirty seconds later, he stepped into it and s.h.i.+vered. Maybe rich people's water actually did get hot while they watched it.
”You must really be in a hurry to get that coffee,” I said, laughing.
”Actually, I'm really in a hurry to see you naked and wet. So...”
”You saw me naked and wet all night long.” As he groaned, I wiggled my eyebrows, shrugging my robe off one shoulder and rolling it. Then I heard the doorbell. ”Oh, s.h.i.+t.” I tied my robe back up tightly and shut the shower curtain on his disappointed expression. ”I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere.”
Smiling, I opened the front door, expecting to see my mailman or UPS or someone with a big package of something I'd probably ordered and paid for myself. But packages, in any shape or size, were always fun. Could this day get any better?
Why yes. Yes, it definitely could. When I saw Detective Williams standing there, all my positivity disappeared.
”Andi.” He nodded. ”I'm going to have to ask you to come down to the station tomorrow afternoon.”
”What for?” I asked, gnawing at my lip and wrapping the belt of my robe around my hands. I let it go when I realized how close it felt to being cuffed.
”You know what for. We have a few people we're looking at, and....” I was one of the 'few' people. ”Did you find yourself a lawyer?”
”I'm working on it.” But I wasn't. Not really. Maybe because things had been going so well. I'd just sent out a large number of checks to the people I'd hurt years ago, I had amazing friends, and Hayden was soaping himself up in my shower as we spoke. I should've known it was all about to crumble.
”Time's up.”
I'm not sure how long I stood there blankly staring. The detective's face blurred as I tried to get my head around this horror. It was bad enough being brought up on charges for something I did without meaning to. Turned out that being a suspect in something I didn't do was way worse. But I didn't fight it-I hadn't done this wrong, but I'd done so much other s.h.i.+t. Knowingly. What was that cliche about just desserts? And why did I suddenly have a donut craving?
”I didn't have anything to do with it, Detective. They can't possibly be that far down the list of suspects yet.” Since I'd seen how the detective had put all the pieces together in the last case, I figured the same thing would happen with this one-and in about the same amount of time. Cybercrimes took a lot longer to investigate than others because of the subtle differences in each hacker's signature. It couldn't have been done in just a week.
”I don't know what to tell you, other than I think it would be a good idea for you to...make a statement so they can move on to other people.” His hesitation before the word was tiny, nonexistent to anyone who'd never been in trouble before. I heard it with perfect clarity. He'd been about to say 'be interrogated,' and that was an entirely different thing. But I trusted him, and heaven knows my paranoia could get the better of me, so I'd take him at his word for now.
He wanted me to make a statement. Which only meant that someone would ask me a couple of questions, and I'd answer them. At least, I had my story straight, so my friends wouldn't get in trouble. I'd be as helpful as I could be, which wasn't at all helpful because I really didn't know anything about the crime. But once they'd ruled me out, they could go find the person who really did it.
”I'll let you go before you run out of hot water.”
I blinked him back into focus. ”Huh?”
”Hot water. Your shower's on, isn't it?”
Oh f.u.c.k. Hayden. ”Yeah, I should go take care of that,” I mumbled. ”Thanks.”
He nodded stiffly, obviously not expecting me to thank him for stopping by.
”Oh, s.h.i.+t.” When the detective's eyes bulged at something he saw over my shoulder, I knew exactly what he'd seen. Hayden's cursed apology only verified it. ”You two are-”
”Okay, bye.” I slammed the door in the detective's face and spun around.
”I'm sorry. I didn't know he was...I got impatient.” Hayden blew out a breath. ”Is everything okay?”
”Yeah, everything is fine.” I kept my gaze on the purple towel wrapped around his hips. I didn't have the guts to look him in the eye. He was just something else I didn't deserve, and the sooner he realized that, the better. For him. ”That was...um...”
”Officer Williams.”
”Detective,” I corrected. ”Do you know him?” Great. Great. Great.
”Not too well. He tried to help my family when I was a teenager. Nice guy.”
”Yeah, he's great.” Great. Great. Great. ”Seemed great anyway in the two seconds I spoke with him. Right then.”
He waited, not asking the very obvious question: Why did a cop just knock on your door?
So I didn't ask the other very obvious question: Why did your family need a cop's help?
There's no such thing as a lie. Singular. Because as soon as someone lied once, inevitably, they would be forced to lie again. And again. And again. Until their life was filled with more lies than truths. And every day felt heavy and miserable because it took so much d.a.m.n energy to maintain all of them.
”s.h.i.+t. I just remembered that I'm supposed to be somewhere in, like, twenty minutes.” I picked up my sloth-ish pace so the comment made sense, even though my body fought me on it, wanting to curl up in bed, close my eyes, and pretend this life had never happened. But first, I had to get rid of the most incredible man I'd ever met.
When he took me by the waist and pulled my back to his chest, the warmth and dampness of his body seeped through my robe, and I almost lost it. I almost let everything go, spilled all my sins, my lies, my mistakes. Almost. But I knew that as soon as I did-if I could even get the words to leave my mouth-he would disappear. And even though it was for the best and it would happen eventually anyway, I just needed it for a little while longer. It was greedy and selfish and so unfair, like everything else I'd done, but I needed it. Like an addict.
”I'm not a good person, Hayden.”
When he didn't react, didn't speak or let go or hold me tighter, I realized I hadn't said it out loud. I was too much of a coward to admit what a coward I was.
”Hayden?” My voice was barely audible but I forced it out because he didn't deserve this mess I'd dragged him into. I remembered how it felt to find out what you thought was perfect was actually one gigantic lie told by someone you trusted. I remembered how that felt, so I knew how he'd feel when I told him the truth. Tell him. Now. It will never be any easier. ”I need......”
”Time and s.p.a.ce. I know. See, sometimes I actually do listen.” After another second of stillness, he stepped away. ”Can we do a late dinner or something?”