Part 13 (1/2)
”For all of the wrong reasons and a few of the right ones.”
She shook her head, but she also looked relieved-not to have to hide anymore, to have someone to be honest with. ”I'm sorry.”
”There's no need to be. It is what it is. I could've done something, said something, so I'm not without fault.” I filled her gla.s.s after she emptied it.
”Shannon dumped me.” She raised her gla.s.s in a mock toast. ”Said she was too tired of hiding.”
That explained her outburst. ”Did she ask Frank for a divorce?”
”No.” She chuckled sadly. ”She's trying to go straight.”
”Think it'll last?”
She shrugged. ”Not sure. Frank has no idea, so...”
”You thought I had no idea. Maybe he already knows.”
”Maybe. But he isn't the man you are. Her cheating just makes him feel better about his own. If he knew the other man is actually a woman, he'd probably just keep pretending he didn't know. I guess it'll be easier now that we're not together anymore.” She swung off the stool and came around the island, sliding her gla.s.s across the counter until she was two feet away from me.
”I should've done a lot of things differently, Hayden.” Her voice was soft, sorry.
”Me, too.”
”But it feels kind of great to finally talk to you honestly about it.”
I smiled. ”It does, doesn't it?”
She nodded without speaking for a moment. ”So what do we do now?”
”Not sure.” I hadn't given it much thought. I'm very good at closing my eyes to what I don't want to think about.
”I still love you. We could try working on things.”
I nodded. ”We could.” But it would never be enough for either of us. Making do for the sake of appearances. I watched her dazedly as she loosened my tie. But I put my hands over hers when she started to unb.u.t.ton my s.h.i.+rt. ”Are you bis.e.xual?”
”I've always known I was gay,” she said, shaking her head. ”I had boyfriends because it was expected, but I always had a good...friend for sleepovers.”
I took her hands and brought them to her sides. ”Then thanks, but whether we stay together or not, I'd rather you not force yourself to sleep with me.”
”I wouldn't be.”
”Really? Last time I checked, I had a d.i.c.k. So if you're not bis.e.xual, I don't have the equipment you want.”
She stepped back. ”Why did you stay with me all this time if you knew?”
”I told you-some right reasons and some wrong reasons.”
”Can you be more specific?”
I took our gla.s.ses into the living room, setting them on the coffee table and sitting on the couch. It surprised me when she sat next to me versus on her favorite chair.
”My first reason is your father.” Not because he was the head of the company I worked for, though. I'd gotten the job on merit. I'd taken the job because it was the expected thing for me to do. ”He's-without a doubt-the biggest bigot I've ever met.”
She didn't even react, definitely didn't disagree. We'd been through enough family dinners at her father's house to know all about what he called 'The Downfall of San Francisco.' I couldn't count how many times I'd heard his descriptive commentary about other people's kids who'd come out, every time sitting next to Clare, wanting to take her hand or at least rea.s.sure her that not everyone felt that way. Instead, having to redirect the conversation to Bart's second favorite topic-money.
”You've stayed with me for years and put yourself through so many Sunday dinners, just so he wouldn't disown me?”
”Honestly, I've never thought that would be a bad thing, but I know it would hurt you.” And as much as I hated her father, I loved her more.
”Why else?”
”Because I'm an idiot.” I blew out my breath, completely unprepared for this conversation and this moment. It was a rare thing for me to so bluntly admit my shortcomings-both because I couldn't afford to show weakness, and because no one really cared. ”I figured by the time I was ready to stop working hundred-hour weeks, you'd come out, we'd get a divorce, and I might be lucky enough to find someone who actually likes me.”
”I like you. I just don't like your d.i.c.k.” She smiled.
”Okay, then,” I said, totally unoffended. ”I'll be sure to put that on my personal ad-'must like d.i.c.k.'”
”No way!” She backhanded me in the chest. ”No husband of mine is posting a personal ad.”
”I was kidding, Clare. I'm not looking for anyone.”
”Why not?” Turning her body to face me, her expression settled into seriousness. ”I can't come out. Not yet. Maybe not ever. But that doesn't mean you can't find someone. Half my friends are having affairs, and all of their husbands are.”
”I'm not interested in that. Sneaking around, worrying someone we know might see me with someone else?” Reality didn't matter nearly as much as perception. And integrity. As soon as that faltered, regardless of the reason, the whole thing could come tumbling down. I made a promise to myself as much as I did to Clare. ”No thanks.”
She took a breath. ”Then we'll get a divorce. The other half of my friends-the ones not having affairs-are divorced and either dating men ten years younger or are on their second marriage with someone ten years older.”
”Maybe,” I said slowly. ”But before we do anything, we should discuss it more.”
”Are you worried my father will convince the board to fire you?”
”It's a concern, yes. Not enough to force you to stay married to me, but it's a concern.”
”Please, Hayden.” Her eye-roll was so dramatic, her entire head got involved. ”My dad likes you more than he likes me. If, or when, I come out, he'll like you way more than he likes me. Plus, you'd get a lot of pitying slaps on the back because you were both duped by his daughter, the lesbo.” She slapped her hands onto her thighs. ”That's settled. We're getting a divorce. I want the China.” She smiled, happier than I'd seen her in a long time. But I couldn't help but think we were rus.h.i.+ng things.
”Think about it first, Clare. There's no hurry. Big decisions need more than fifteen minutes of consideration.”
Her brow furrowed. ”Yesterday I didn't know there was another way to have the life I wanted without hurting you. Today I do. So if I wait for tomorrow, I'll just be wasting time. Yours and mine. Plus, we need to get you laid ASAP. Seriously, Hayden, two years? I didn't think that was possible.”
I wouldn't have either, if I didn't know firsthand-pun intended.
I didn't know what to say. Sure, s.e.x would be highly appreciated, but acting before you'd given an idea time to brew, thought about possible scenarios, ramifications, benefits and- ”Wake up, Hayden.” She waved her hand in front of my face. ”You have that look on your face, like you're so lost in your own head you've forgotten anything else exists. So, back to you getting laid. I have a ton of friends who would kill to hook up with you. Seriously, you'd be horrified to know how many comments they make. All the time. Don't freak out if they start swarming as soon as I tell them that we've split.”
”Your friends would do that to you?”
”It's the way we are.” And exactly why I would never want any of them.