Chapter 35.2 (2/2)

“Compared to Yin Xuan, compared to any other famous dancer, I’ve exchanged more blood, sweat, and tears than the rest, to obtain these swanlike steps . ”

Yin Li wiped away the tears on my face and hugged me tightly . “It’s all over, it’s all over . In the future, if it ever hurts, just cry . I won’t blame you . ”

I rested my head on Yin Li’s shoulder . “I didn’t dare betray any expression that would make my mother feel uneasy or doubtful . I had to persist . In her eyes, I wholeheartedly loved ballet . That was who I was to her . I didn’t attend any ballet shows . When I saw Yin Xuan in her ball gown, I also wanted to go . But I didn’t dare say anything . I was only 15 and it had only been 3 years since I was adopted . I was afraid of being abandoned . ”

“After my mother did the paperwork, she brought me out of the orphanage . The nuns waved as the car drove away, but I didn’t look back . I didn’t even take a second glance at the other orphans sending me away . ” I nested in Yin Li’s lap, hearing the thump of his heartbeat . It was like a familiar tune, grand and peaceful . “I had promised myself . In this lifetime, I would never return . ”

“Those days of starving, s.h.i.+vering, feeling uncared for, and having no hope… I would leave all that far behind . I wanted to climb up in the world . I would follow the pretty lady who adopted me and become someone from her world . I wanted to keep the dark times of the orphanage forever buried . I tossed away all the kindness I had received, abandoning my friends at the orphanage . With a steel heart, I thoroughly forgot all those friends who had smiled for me in my darkest days and showed me the warmth of camaraderie . ”

The change in Yin Li’s expression revealed how moved he was . After a long while, he finally said, “I never knew you had this kind of past . It wasn’t your fault . ” He kissed my ear . “Now, my only wish is that I can treat you better . I’m also very grateful that I was able to meet you at this time . ”

Because I had so many memories, my narration jumped around, out of chronological order . “That time, it hurt . It really did . But I didn’t dare say so . I couldn’t say anything . Later, I followed my mother to Paris . It was the first time I wore such comfortable clothes and ate so well . ”

“Then there was ballet, and I danced and danced . I threw myself into it because I knew ballet was my weapon . Only when I danced was I needed . I had no other place . ” I gazed into the distance . “When I was 12, I thought that the pain would kill me . But later, I found that I became accustomed to that pain, moreover, especially if it was for ballet . I was no longer that kid from the orphanage . I became Alicia . ”

Yin Li rubbed my head . “Though your mother had adopted you for your flexibility, I believe that she still loved you . She just cared too much about your ballet and forgot to care about your inner heart . She thought you were like her—that ballet was your reason for life . That’s why she was so demanding . It was her way of loving you .

“I’m sure she was always proud of you, even up to the day she died . ”

I smiled weakly . Indeed, though my mother was unnaturally strict with me, I would never forget the expression on her face when she spoke of me . She was proud and satisfied, and indeed, I had never hated or resented her in any way . She had given me everything and I was immensely grateful to her .

The only thing that I couldn’t let go of was guilt .

My feelings towards ballet were strange and conflicting . I still couldn’t face myself in the mirror . These memories were confusing, like stepping on air . I didn’t want to remember more .

I was a little scared of ballet . I was scared that it would drag me back to that dead-end alleyway . I was afraid that through ballet, I would transform into someone I didn’t recognize .

“Does ballet’s achievements conflict with life’s peacefulness?” I was confused and couldn’t find the answer . Ballet gave me what I had longed for, but it also gave me pressure and loneliness . “Is it necessary to sacrifice your normal, peaceful life in order to receive appreciation and success in the arts?”

Yin Li contemplated for a moment before seriously replying, “I will find the answer for you . ”

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