Part 1 (1/2)
Whatever G.o.ds May Be.
by Sophia Kell Hagin.
acknowledgments.
I want to thank Susan first, last, and always. You are my life. All my words, now and forever, are for you.
I also want to thank...
Bianca Cody Murphy, professor extraordinaire, for her encouragement and for persuading me to show my writing to strangers, The ladies at the Lesbian Fiction Forum (e down the aisle, watched those dark eyes probe, a.s.sess, and then lock on to hers.
For just a second, her c.l.i.t punched a double flip that reverberated into her belly. Maybe the woman would sit next to her and, once the drone of the bus engine resumed, murmur a name or a comment.
Maybe they'd end up in line together, maybe go through the whole thing together.
* 9 *
But it was the boy-man who had taken the seat next to her, and the woman walked on.
Boy-man blinked. They had only seconds left now.
”I'm Arnoldt,” he whispered.
”Gwynmorgan,” she whispered. ”Jamie Gwynmorgan.” Whereupon what remained of Parris Island pummeled them.
She couldn't quite believe her eyes or her ears as she hurried to disembark. Backlit by a.s.saultive klieglights, a small herd of mostly men wearing Smokey the Bear hats and combat utilities charged toward the bus screeching pseudo obscenities at the people ahead of her. Drill instructors in full rut.
Oh christ. Her stomach spasmed at the sight of so many DIs. This is what he meant.
Joe had warned her. Now his warning reverberated in hyper fast-forward. The rules of normal behavior will be suspended, he said.
Everything she was accustomed to would be ripped from her by the DIs.
”Ripped” was the word Joe had used more than once.
”Ripped” didn't scare her then.
”Ripped” sounded okay then because, h.e.l.l, she needed to be ripped from the way she'd lived since Alby left. And Joe had gotten her ready, right?
”Move your a.s.s, maggot!” one of the DIs roared at the guy who'd been sitting across the aisle from Arnoldt. Now just ahead of her in the bus doorway, the guy winced but didn't scamper, which provoked the DI to loom into his face, millimeters from his nose.
”You deaf, puke?” the DI shrieked.
”No, sir,” Puke answered, his voice too quiet, like he dared consider himself a normal human being. Still wincing, he started to run. But too late. Way too late. The DI stayed with him, nose to nose, toe to toe.
”Wha- at? You talking to me, puke?” Puke hesitated, afraid to speak, afraid to move.
”Did I tell you to halt your ugly b.u.t.t, puke?” Hey! Behind Puke, forehead suddenly humid with revolt, Jamie jumped off the bus. Just wait one f.u.c.king minute! I didn't sign up for this ! All of Joe's fearsome tales notwithstanding, these guys in their perfect uniforms and arcane hats weren't at all what she expected. Her * 10 *
stomach wrenched its warning and she slit her eyes to see beyond the onslaught, to find its limit. Thirteen weeks, that's all.
She counted in her head as if a refuge could be made of counting.
Thirteen weeks-less than a quarter of the fifty-seven weeks since...
Thirteen divided by fifty-seven... that's twenty-two point eight percent...
Off to her left, another DI approached, his animal eyes glued to her.
Oh s.h.i.+t. An intense band of heat tightened around her head. Just gotta make it to January twenty-eighth...
She tried to ignore the No! rising from her gut and got ready to blindly obey. In her last second as a regular person, Jamie wondered why, why she didn't feel this No! before now and understood her doom. It couldn't be undone. She had signed her name on the papers, given up all rights to No! Now No! meant disobeying a lawful order.
Insubordination. Now No! could be court-martialed and land her in a Marine Corps lockup.
”You eyeballing me, a.s.swipe?”
”Sir-No- Sir!” This she shouted, just the way Joe taught her. Never look them in the eye, Joe had said more than once. She took a couple of steps, preparing to run. Certainly he wanted her to run.
”Who told you to move, suckface?”
”Sir!” She halted, riveted her eyes straight ahead, tried to remember what Joe had told her about a.s.suming the position of attention. ”I'm sorry, sir!”
Oh s.h.i.+t. Just one tiny word. How she wished she could grab it out of the air and squish it out of existence. s.h.i.+t s.h.i.+t s.h.i.+t s.h.i.+t s.h.i.+t...
”I?” the DI bellowed, eyes bulging outrage off to her left. ”You are a worthless b.u.t.tbrain attempting to become a United States Marine!
How dare you speak the word 'I'! You are less than human. You are less than maggot. You will get on your face and give me your pathetic excuse for pushups. Right now , Recruit Suckface! ” Jamie dropped like a stone and pumped as fast as she ever had in her life while he screamed at somebody else. When she was at twenty or so, she felt his hot breath on her face. Onion breath. The brim of his hat b.u.mped against her temple.