Part 59 (1/2)
”If he is in love with you,” she repeated, ”it settles it, I think. What else is there to do but marry him?”
Kathleen shook her head. ”I shall do what is best for him--whatever that may be.”
”You won't make him unhappy, I suppose?” inquired Geraldine, astonished.
”Dear, a woman may be truer to the man she loves--and kinder--by refusing him. Is not that what _you_ have done--for Duane's sake?”
Geraldine sprang to her feet, face white, mouth distorted with anger:
”I made a G.o.d of Duane!” she broke out breathlessly. ”Everything that was in me--everything that was decent and unselfish and pure-minded dominated me when I found I loved him. So I would not listen to my own desire for him, I would not let him risk a terrible unhappiness until I could go to him as clean and well and straight and unafraid as he could wis.h.!.+” She laughed bitterly, and laid her hands on her breast. ”Look at me, Kathleen! I am quite as decent as this G.o.d of mine. Why should I worry over the chances he takes when I have chances enough to take in marrying him? I was stupid to be so conscientious--I behaved like a hysterical schoolgirl--or a silly communicant--making him my confessor!
A girl is a perfect fool to make a G.o.d out of a man. I made one out of Duane; and he acted like one. It nearly ended me, but, after all, he is no worse than I. Whoever it was who said that decency is only depravity afraid, is right. I _am_ depraved; I _am_ afraid. I'm afraid that I cannot control myself, for one thing; and I'm afraid of being unhappy for life if I don't marry Duane. And I'm going to, and let him take his chances!”
Kathleen, very pale, said: ”That is selfishness--if you do it.”
”Are not men selfish? He will not tell me as much of his life as I have told him of mine. I have told him everything. How do I know what risk I run? Yes--I do know; I take the risk of marrying a man notorious for his facility with women. And he lets me take that risk. Why should I not let him risk something?”
The girl seemed strangely excited; her quick breathing and bright, unsteady eyes betrayed the nervous tension of the last few days. She said feverishly:
”There is a lot of nonsense talked about self-sacrifice and love; about the beauties of abnegation and martyrdom, but, Kathleen, if I shall ever need him at all, I need him now. I'm afraid to be alone any longer; I'm frightened at the chances against me. Do you know what these days of horror have been to me, locked in here--all alone--in the depths of degradation for what--what I did that night--in distress and shame unutterable----”
”My darling----”
”Wait! I had more to endure--I had to endure the results of my education in the study of man! I had to realise that I loved one of them who has done enough to annihilate in me anything except love. I had to learn that he couldn't kill that--that I want him in spite of it, that I need him, that my heart is sick with dread; that he can have me when he will--Oh, Kathleen, I have learned to care less for him than when I denied him for his own sake--more for him than I did before he held me in his arms! And that is not a high type of love--I know it--but oh, if I could only have his arms around me--if I could rest there for a while--and not feel so frightened, so utterly alone!--I might win out; I might kill what is menacing me, with G.o.d's help--and his!”
She lay s.h.i.+vering on Kathleen's breast now, dry-eyed, twisting her ringless fingers in dumb anguish.
”Darling, darling,” murmured Kathleen, ”you cannot do this thing. You cannot let him a.s.sume a burden that is yours alone.”
”Why not? What is one's lover for?”
”Not to use; not to hazard; not to be made responsible for a sick mind and a will already demoralised. Is it fair to ask him--to let him begin life with such a burden--such a handicap? Is it not braver, fairer, to fight it out alone, eradicate what threatens you--oh, my own darling! my little Geraldine!--is it not fairer to the man you love? Is he not worth striving for, suffering for? Have you no courage to endure if he is to be the reward? Is a little selfish weakness, a miserable self-indulgence to stand between you and life-long happiness?”
Geraldine looked up; her face was very white:
”Have you ever been tempted?”
”Have I not been to-night?”
”I mean by--something ign.o.ble?”
”No.”
”Do you know how it hurts?”
”To--to deny yourself?”
”Yes.... It is so--difficult--it makes me wretchedly weak.... I only thought he might help me.... You are right, Kathleen.... I must be terribly demoralised to have wished it. I--I will not marry him, now. I don't think I ever will.... You are right. I have got to be fair to him, no matter what he has been to me.... He has been fearfully unfair. After all, he is only a man.... I couldn't really love a G.o.d.”