Part 9 (1/2)
Up Commerce and then to the park. I circled the big walking track inside, trying to organize my thoughts, silently quiz myself for my intro to biology exam the next week. The material was child's play for me, but I kept going over and over it. When I was thinking about mitochondria and cell division I wasn't thinking about Hawk.
He crept into my thoughts anyway. Everything I saw reminded me of him. That bench over there was where we sat the day a wasp stung his eyelid. That tree over there was where we found a toad. That grove of ash was where we smoked our first and only joint Todd gave Hawk in exchange for writing an English paper for him. It just gave me a headache, but Hawk liked it. It didn't matter, though, he never smoked again that I knew of because I wasn't into it. No conversation, that's just how it went.
I swear, every spot, every tree in that park had some memory attached to it. Silly things like catching fireflies, or once I thought he would kiss me but he didn't. I don't even know if he looked at me that way then. By the time I made the walking track circuit and came around to standing in front of the war memorial at the gates, I felt like I was a million years old. How could I be only eighteen-going-on-nineteen if all this s.h.i.+t happened to me? Losing him aged me the most. I wasn't alive anymore, I was mourning my life.
I started home and ended up walking back to the shoe store. I forgot I didn't live there anymore. That was the last straw. I broke down and sobbed right there in the street, stood there crying softly to myself, hands thrust in my pockets.
”Are you okay?”
Startled, I jumped back. A tall woman on a bicycle stopped right next to me, looking confused. She was bundled up for the weather and a long auburn braid hung over her shoulder, from under a battered, scuffed helmet.
”I'm fine, thanks.”
”You don't look fine. Do I know you?”
I blinked a few times.
”I don't think so... wait, are you a teacher?”
She nodded. ”Yes. I teach at No. 2.”
”You were new when I graduated. I remember.”
”I thought you looked familiar, but I don't remember you from cla.s.s.”
She stuck out her hand. I took it and shook it.
”Alexis.”
”Jennifer. Are you sure you're okay? You look upset.”
I looked up at the apartment. ”I am upset.”
She let out a long sigh, and her breath puffed in the chill air.
”Want to talk about it?”
”Not today,” I started to say, but I changed my mind. ”Wait. Sure.”
She swung down from her bike and walked it alongside me, down the block to the I Bean Missing You, the coffee shop. She locked up her bike outside and we went in. She took hers black; I ordered a pumpkin spice latte and we sat down in the corner.
”You just graduated,” she said.
”Yeah.”
”I remember you from the senior trip. Is it your boyfriend?”
”He's not...” I started to say, reflexively.
Every time somebody joked about Hawk being my boyfriend flooded back into my head and it landed on me like a ton of bricks: They weren't joking, and they were right.
I held my cup in my hands and looked down, trying to look like I was staring into it, and not starting to cry again.
”I'm sorry,” Jennifer said softly, and rested her hand on mind. ”I don't want to pry, but did he-”
”I don't know,” I whimpered. ”He just disappeared. He was supposed to pick me up after the last day of school so we could go on a real date and he never showed up.”
Jennifer sipped her coffee. Her voice was strangely flat. ”Do you know where he is?”
”No. n.o.body will tell me?”
”Have you gone to the police?”
I froze. ”What?”
”Have you gone to the police?”
”No, I... I mean...”
”Probably not a good idea,” she said, softly. ”Do you think he's...”
”I don't know,” I whimpered. I didn't want the f.u.c.king pumpkin spice latte anymore. I slammed it down on the table.
The coffee lapped over the sides and stung my fingers with the heat.
”I wish there was something I could do to help,” Jennifer said, softly. ”If you want to talk again, look me up on the school directory. My number's there. Do you want me to walk home with you?”
”No, that's okay,” I said, dabbing up spilled coffee with a napkin. ”I'll be fine.”
I felt bad about the coffee, so I stuffed a ten dollar bill into the tip jar and walked home.
It was Friday and the dorms reopened on Sunday. When I got home I went back to studying. May came in and we hung out and ended up playing games on her phone. I felt b.u.t.terflies in my stomach whenever I thought about my tests but I desperately needed to just goof off with my sister, so I did.
Sat.u.r.day was much the same.
On Sunday morning I had all my things packed and was ready to leave. I finished filling the big suitcase when there was a knock at my door. Expecting May, I opened it eagerly and found Tom standing outside. Flanking him on either side were two Paradise Falls cops.
”What's going on?” I said, barely able to talk. It felt like my throat was closing.
”You're coming with us.”
”I can't, I have to go back to school,” I said, lamely.
”It doesn't matter. You're not going anywhere.”
”I can't, I have exams!”
Tom stepped back. ”Take her.”
I didn't stand a chance. Two grown men grabbed my arms, and they handcuffed me. May was screaming, and Tom told Lance to drag her back into her room. My mother watched dully, scratching her chin as they carried me down the stairs and out the back door, to a police car parked in the backyard, in front of the carriage house, and shoved me inside. The door slamming shut was like the door to my coffin. Inside it was hot and smelled awful, like dried blood in a dirty bathroom.