1 A Light Made Of Despair (1/2)

Death. This is the end of every living being, an obligatory pa.s.sage. An unchangeable fate. And this is probably one of the biggest fears humanity has felt uniformly since the beginning of society. Even me, who thought little of death, feared it.

I feared death a little. Since I had to imagine myself no longer thinking. I did not have to think about anything anymore, that's what characterizes death. Thinking about ”something”, no matter how weird it is, is not that difficult at the end, but thinking about nothing is fundamentally impossible.

I feared that, an impossible outcome that I could not think of. In the same time, I was attracted by death. The unknown always attracted me, and death was the unknown. It was also a source of liberty. Being able to free myself from my past was the greatest pleasure I could think of.

So death was what I feared because I couldn't think beyond that, but also because I would be unable to think, was what made me attracted to it. Yeah, I'm contradictory.

But right now, I'm lying on the ground, bathed in my own blood. It's dark and cold, I can't move but at least, I can see the stars.

My injury are bit too sever this time, I won't make it. What a beautiful night. But what a pathetic death I am suffering. Alone in the dark, without someone to a.s.sist me in my last breath. No friends or family anymore. It's a proper death for someone like me.

I don't deserve to be liked or loved during my last breath. I don't deserve someone to cry for me. I just deserve to die alone, crying in my own blood and agony. The fact that I was gonna die wasn't that hard to swallow, but the pain, the darkness and the loneliness made me frightened of death.

Something that can be felt only by living it. d.a.m.n, it's horrible.

At a certain point, I stopped crying. I was too tired to cry anymore, but I felt something that I didn't expected, happiness.

All of my worries, my sadness, my story, everything that made what I am today would be irrelevant in front of death. Knowing that I could escape from my past, made me forget everything that I feared about death.

... Now, I can't hear anything. I could hear before the wind rubbing in my ears, and the noises coming from my car, but now, I can't hear anything. Ah, and I can't feel my own wound anymore.

In fact, I can't feel any part of my body. I can only see what is in front of me, the stars. Hmm, not bad at all.

I wonder what I will become after my death. Will I truly stop thinking for eternity ? If heaven and h.e.l.l exist, I wonder at which point h.e.l.l is terrifying. I won't have a chance to go to heaven with what I've done in my life, and probably not the purgatory either, so h.e.l.l seems to be the only place possible.