Part 6 (2/2)

As I got closer to her, I realized I didn't have a choice She was the one I wasn't going to wait any longer I rolled ave htly specials Fifteen dollars for a hand job, twenty-five for straight sex, and fifty bucks for a suck and fuck Apparently, it was a bargain night I told her I wanted what she called ”straight sex,” which sounded like a good introduction for a beginner like ave me directions to a motel She was probably in her midtwenties, short and a little chubby Her dark hair was styled unattractively and she looked bored If this were a girl I saw at a school dance I wouldn't have looked at her twice Her naot to the motel, she opened the door to her room and went immediately to the bathrooet undressed I took off all my clothes excepta bathrobe, and walked to the bed She gave me a condom and told me I had to put it on She lay on the bed and opened her robe, letting it stay under her like a beach towel Her body was unfit and slack More like a trucker's body than a prostitute's I didn't feel any hot sexual vibe from her at all, more like a ”Can I smoke hts and wanted to renegotiate the price I told her I was nervous because it wasfor some sort of discount Her de warm sentiments to me as she touched led with the condoet it on fast enough I had experi one on and jacking off with it My hand smelled bad for the rest of the day, but I couldn't help instinctively sniffing ot on the bed and fell on top of her I could barely feel myself inside her I wasn't really certain I as inside her I wasn't sure what to do with my hands or if I was allowed to kiss her I didn't know if I wanted to kiss her I touched her breasts, they see like sad raccoon eyes She said soht” or ”Move down a little” I can't really reet into a co, I noticed that she was looking over my shoulder I heard the hum of a muted television It wasso on TV while I tried to make her come alive I kissed her neck and her shoulders to see if I could regain her attention, but she stayed focused on the screen I still wasn't sure if I was inside her All I felt was air I moved my hips carefully, so I wouldn't cu to that point If she would have grunted once I'm sure I would have lost it in a second I tried to focus on the fact that she was a woman and ere naked and she was underneath azines and in late-night fuzzy pay-channeland tried to iazine or on a screen Greta, this naked wo the TV above us I co us having sex That thought was enough to getI ejaculated quickly and uncere but she asked ot out of the bed and thanked her inside her I wasn't sure what to do with my hands or if I was allowed to kiss her I didn't know if I wanted to kiss her I touched her breasts, they see like sad raccoon eyes She said soht” or ”Move down a little” I can't really reet into a co, I noticed that she was looking over my shoulder I heard the hum of a muted television It wasso on TV while I tried to make her come alive I kissed her neck and her shoulders to see if I could regain her attention, but she stayed focused on the screen I still wasn't sure if I was inside her All I felt was air I moved my hips carefully, so I wouldn't cu to that point If she would have grunted once I'm sure I would have lost it in a second I tried to focus on the fact that she was a woman and ere naked and she was underneath azines and in late-night fuzzy pay-channeland tried to iazine or on a screen Greta, this naked wo the TV above us I co us having sex That thought was enough to getI ejaculated quickly and uncere but she asked ot out of the bed and thanked her

As we left the ypped She asked if I could drop her off at her corner As we drove I thought she ain soot out at her corner and sla changed at all, like I thought I ht I wasn't about to tell Maurice about Greta and I didn't feel like driving around those dark streets with hiot our first VCR, I started using it to recordh school as well, but theyadult conte music videos with the VCR re cool ca at the tier as an MTV-watching teenager When no one else was around, I'd watch some of these compilation videotapes that I reat skill while watching videos by Madonna, Lisa Lisa and Cult Jaot amovies on the VCR Maurice or Darren or so a movie in the front rooht, Dad would co johns and a ratty T-shi+rt He would do two things: he would tell us to turn down the volume and then he'd say, ”This isn't one of those rated-Rit to recordh school as well, but theyadult conte music videos with the VCR re cool ca at the tier as an MTV-watching teenager When no one else was around, I'd watch some of these compilation videotapes that I reat skill while watching videos by Madonna, Lisa Lisa and Cult Jaot amovies on the VCR Maurice or Darren or so a movie in the front rooht, Dad would co johns and a ratty T-shi+rt He would do two things: he would tell us to turn down the volume and then he'd say, ”This isn't one of those rated-R hteen, I had irlfriend One ould kiss me in front of people and tell me about her periods It took two in like in either, but did my first tiin) She lost her cherry, she told me, when she was fifteen, to a nineteen-year-old who used to babysit her I didn't knohat a ”cherry” was exactly, but her announceht out heavily at that tiirlfriend One ould kiss me in front of people and tell me about her periods It took two in like in either, but did my first tiin) She lost her cherry, she told me, when she was fifteen, to a nineteen-year-old who used to babysit her I didn't knohat a ”cherry” was exactly, but her announceht out heavily at that time was called Cheri Cheri It was sleazier than roup of woiant chocolate dildo to see as the blow job queen

Sorew bored of I had heard cautionary tales about porn being like a drug That I would start to need harder, stronger, raphy A few years later, Ted Bundy ht he was trying to blaraphy for his sick cri with inity with Paht I would want the real thing from there on out Not only could I have sex with Pam but I could play my Commodores albu bubble letters and heart-shaped happy faces ide-open hug arht I'd be happy

Wethe Radio/TV class She was taking some kind of retail class where the students ran a s I'd go in there and buy Skittles and we'd pass notes to each other If I didn't go to the store during each break she would think I was ive it to me She was both insecure and bossy She went to Kah school in Kennewick

For most of that senior year, I left the suitcase to fester in the closet It just sat there, barricaded by the shi+rts and Miami Vice Miami Vicestyle jacketsht that Pam would so this tiraduation, I went to Pa road in the deserty terrain behind the Colu, flat rectangle of a structure with a couple of tires on the roof for some reason She wasn't there, so I sat on her front porch talking to her younger sister for a long ti lot in front of their house This car sat idling in the dark for a few ine finally turned off It was the old babysitter boyfriend, Pa

Maybe he sawout, going so tihts ran wild andand she went inside so I could figure out how to ”handle it”

Finally the Mustang started again and Paetting back on that twisting road I walked down from the porch to meet Pam, but she pushed me away and went inside

The next day, I called her and listened as she described to htheaded I pulled the suitcase out of the closet and locked s I wanted to interrupt her and tell her about the suitcase, to make her jealous of the photos and how much I liked them About how fantasy was sometimes better than reality, which was hoanted to feel when the heartache went away

Sixty-three Times

I went out with Pairl who still slept with oversize teddy bears, wrote in huge loopy cursive, and whose favorite food was pancakes I often went to her house after school and we'd make out in her room She lived with her mom, who had a British accent for some reason, and didn't seem to mind if Paer sister lived there too, and she was much more attractive than Pairl who still slept with oversize teddy bears, wrote in huge loopy cursive, and whose favorite food was pancakes I often went to her house after school and we'd make out in her room She lived with her mom, who had a British accent for some reason, and didn't seem to mind if Paer sister lived there too, and she was much more attractive than Pam

After we had sex for the first ti like a new person-the excitement of the sex, and the promise of more sex to come, made me feel like I was neon-lit from the inside

On the back of Pam's school photo (her hair parted in the middle and wind-swept back, her baby blue sweater with the shoulder pads, her ill-fitting blue jeans) I took a pen and drew a mark A few days after that, another mark I'm not sure why, but I felt the need to document, to count, the ti track Perhaps I thought I was going to keep track forever, with every girlfriend, every crash-and-burn ht stand When other people talked about how many people they'd had sex with, I could tell them exactly how many times times I'd had it I'd had it

Once when I was at the e Julius when her photo fell out of my Velcro wallet She noticed the marks and asked me what they were and I told her it was the nuht that year Cassettes and records, I had to tell her

At some point, I told a friend of mine about the count Since none of my friends liked Pam, it was only a matter of time before this friend told a few others To embarrass me at any time they'd ask, ”How many times has it been now?”

When my relationshi+p with Pam ended bitterly, the count was over The final nu other girls, I felt disgusted by the number Sometimes, just to put h and say to me, ”Sixty-three tih I seemed immune to pot, I found other ways to alter et over the ingrained fears of brain dae and eternal da I took pride in as a teen There were other kids in high school ere infamous drunkards and potheads, but I kept a safe distance from them seemed immune to pot, I found other ways to alter et over the ingrained fears of brain dae and eternal da I took pride in as a teen There were other kids in high school ere infamous drunkards and potheads, but I kept a safe distance froave in to drink was a couple of nights before raduation I went over to Deanna and Jim's apartment after work

Their place had that uncouy hooks up with a younger girl Teddy bears and angel ios on the next to ones fro chairs and drank sweet h straws Ji really crude sexual jokes and I could tell it wasDeanna really unco with Jiht of sleep on their couch and woke up with a furry blanket on top of me I was hot and felt sick I looked at the clock and saw that I was late for ot up and slumped outside

I looked around forMoh school My hangoverlate for the rehearsal Maurice was probably the only one ould notice I wasn't there anyway The heat was getting towith my T-shi+rt where you pull the front up over your head but keep the sleeves around your arms Suddenly I felt the sickness come up and I heaved the sour throw-up next to a tree in someone's front yard I wipedin the direction ofwithlike a sick drunk's People were driving bywhy I wasn't at school A couple of blocks later, s buckled I rested on one knee and quickly von and a storm drain Before I reached the school, there was onelot

Maurice looked at ot there toward the end of rehearsal He could so ht I wasn't sure if this was soy on his part Maybe he was jealous because I didn't get drunk with hiht stressful Maurice was probably my only true friend in ht, there was a big Las Vegastheym for us, the triumphant Class of 1985 Maurice told me later that it was really fun and it lasted until three in the raduation cap into the air I locked myself inwhat to do next My mind was blank

Homemade Clothes

One day I wore an especially effeminate shi+rt that Mom had made for me Dad saw it and freaked out It didn't help that I had recently pierced boththe potato method wore an especially effeminate shi+rt that Mom had made for me Dad saw it and freaked out It didn't help that I had recently pierced boththe potato s too ”Why don't you just go ahead and turn hi out orse A couple of them actually did wear skirts

At the time, I was really into paisley Mom made me dress jackets that looked like they came from Prince's wardrobe if he were on the show Miami Vice Miami Vice Some of my friends even asked me if she could ner (Red Carpet Reporter: Who are you wearing? Me: This is from the Mom collection) I loved Mom for that

One ti compared to the rest of our friends, was over at our house When he left, Dad shook his head sadly and said so mascara But John didn't wear mascara He just had pretty eyes