Part 5 (2/2)

At school, ould do weird things for the sake of being weird We'd go sit in a class that wasn't ours until the teacher would look at us, puzzled, and then ask us to leave While walking down the hallways, we'd sometimes fall to our hands and knees and spastically crawl several feet before getting back up on our feet, our facial expressions flat and et in fake fights and then run away fro to cry If soet in the picture and point at solee, sometimes with an expression of horror

We were friends for a couple of years, but so odd started to pull us apart I really wanted to have a girlfriend and I wanted to be cool I wasn't sure if I could hang out with Pat Kennelly and be cool Plus Maurice wouldout Not that Maurice was any cooler, but sometimes it's easy to be swayed by fear, and I was afraid I would lose Maurice as a friend We'd been friends for a long ti with each other e got older I think when you're a teenager and you start ether or going to a college together or hunting for Bigfoot or whatever, you really get excited Because it's the future! And it's without your parents!

I'h all ned any There is one funny scrawl that takes up a half page in back of ned to it, but it says in part: Kevin, Guilty! Where is the fish? Dance with the flay! Vegetables!

I'm pretty sure that's fro a snointer break, Maurice and I were jonesing to play basketball, so alked over to our high school to see if any of the doors were open Soy snointer break, Maurice and I were jonesing to play basketball, so alked over to our high school to see if any of the doors were open Soy

We got there and found the doors unlocked and the gyn of a janitor We had our booed it in at courtside We had so of chips froht

We shot baskets on the beautiful hardwood floors and listened to Kurtis Blow and the Bar-Kays About an hour into our private practice, three cops appeared Two of the around as if we had hidden bombs somewhere, and one of the here?” he asked Maurice turned thebaskets and that the doors were open and that ere students of the high school They took our names and phone numbers and made us walk back hoain in January, ere called into the office and told ere to do Saturday school for teeks because of our ”trespassing” The school narc gave us each a police report and told us to have our parents sign them Maurice and I went home that day, nervous that they had called our parents They hadn't, so we forged the signatures on the reports and served our teeks of Saturday school without our parents knowing

Big Gulp

For e dietary ritual Before school, I would start e of Hostess Donettes (usually the waxy chocolate-covered ones) and a Big Gulp of Pepsi Once at school, I'd put the Big Gulp in hout the day, even past the point when the melted ice took over the cola flavor My locker partner ridiculed e dietary ritual Before school, I would start e of Hostess Donettes (usually the waxy chocolate-covered ones) and a Big Gulp of Pepsi Once at school, I'd put the Big Gulp in hout the day, even past the point when the melted ice took over the cola flavor My locker partner ridiculeddisorder I put inexplicable pressure on myself to finish the drink before my last class of the day I threw up a couple of ti Donettes for breakfast, then cereal was the usual replaceh, I took a couple of pieces of my dad's bacon For dinner, we had very typical meat and potato kind of meals We rarely ate out but e did it was usually at Skipper's on Friday nights or, on rare occasions, if the parents were feeling flush, Sizzler At the end of these , would wrap his leftovers in napkins and stick them in his pockets

Suitcase

When I was fifteen years old, I had a suitcase full of porn It was greenish blue-the aged color of flat turquoise Square and heavy Two metal latches kept it shut Two buttons popped the latches I kept it in the back of the closet, behind the clothes, and next to another suitcase that didn't s fifteen years old, I had a suitcase full of porn It was greenish blue-the aged color of flat turquoise Square and heavy Two metal latches kept it shut Two buttons popped the latches I kept it in the back of the closet, behind the clothes, and next to another suitcase that didn't s

The suitcase, for hties, served as a ”best of” fantasy portal Whereas now, most adults-and yes, even fifteen-year-olds-keep their ”best of” porn in a folder on their computer Who needs all that paper anyway? I could do without all the wordiness of Playboy Playboy and and Penthouse Penthouse I wanted skin Photos Pictures Is happened-I started to find azines that were al too azines to hide, I started to cut out justcoupons

I had various ways to get these e of a specific Dumpster I had an older brother who had his own place I had a cousin who hid porn in the closet Those wereShe was young and married Her husband had a mustache and drove one of those Snap-on tools trucks around (I'nificant, but it does) When I was younger, even before puberty, I res But st whenever she talked towhen I found her ”azines and erotica books (bedti, I presu-in-the-projector-and-loop-it-to-a-reel filht when she and her husband were out and Matt and I were having a sleepover at their house We found the projector and tried nervously to snake the filh it We found a blank wall to shi+ne our jittery srainy color fil but it was the firstback before they got hoest Reader's Digestsize ones with foreign words on the cover-into

Later, at hoh one of thee was strange, ave rocery store helps a wo cart She has poufed-out red hair and wears a short skirt Her legs look s She also wears a loose blouse that looks slack and thin over her cleavage As the boy starts putting the bags of groceries in the back of herroo on her knees in front of his face He reaches up her leg and she looks back at hi lot before clierly covers her from behind, his pants around his ankles I put my own translation into the captions around the photos I think the woman probably talked to hiht be saying Maybe it was just heavy breathing Heavy breathing is the saazine, I kept soe in there It was a re I couldn't explain I used those pictures, that story, over and over, for n pleasure

Pee-Chees

Before the suitcase, there were Pee-Chees, folders usually reserved for keeping schoolwork in Illustrated with ies of football players, track runners, baseball hitters, and pos of naked woazines, soe to look at I'd spread open azines all across my bed, but that seeed some scissors from my mom (she often sewed in the room next to mine) I waited for everyone to leave the house and then proceeded to scavenge through the stack ofofsuspended tiles and all I had to do was stand on a chair and push one of the worried about the weight and girth of h it all with the scissors I had to deteres turned me on and which ones didn't I found that I wanted a little of everything: big breasts, small breasts, skinny, chubby, blond, brunette, black, white, Asian, purple, short hair, long hair, big bushy hair, glossy red lipstick, clownOf course, I was also a virgin there were Pee-Chees, folders usually reserved for keeping schoolwork in Illustrated with ies of football players, track runners, baseball hitters, and pos of naked woazines, soe to look at I'd spread open azines all across my bed, but that seeed some scissors from my mom (she often sewed in the room next to mine) I waited for everyone to leave the house and then proceeded to scavenge through the stack ofofsuspended tiles and all I had to do was stand on a chair and push one of the worried about the weight and girth of h it all with the scissors I had to deteres turned me on and which ones didn't I found that I wanted a little of everything: big breasts, small breasts, skinny, chubby, blond, brunette, black, white, Asian, purple, short hair, long hair, big bushy hair, glossy red lipstick, clownOf course, I was also a virgin

These Pee-Chees replaced thefull of discarded azine scraps and walked them over to the Mayfair Market's Dumpster after dark I was filled with a sense of relief, like a drunk co that fifty pounds of dirty h the tiles above ht that only ”the best” was up there Nestled together in their Pee-Chees Three of the, posing, and playing Soet hard My focus and concentration were i else No roof No sky No God

But I couldn't stop it there I couldn't quit going to the porn Du Playboy Playboy and and Penthouse Penthouse froirlfriend, so affection, but I was nervous, insecure, and acne-ridden I reirls and learned their rules and protocol I tagged along with them to the park sometiarettes I waited on the swings,myself sick I saw Beth stick her hand down Scott's pants It looked like she was punching hiernail polish was dull and sloppy I was so horny I don't even think I could bear to hold hands with a girl froirlfriend, so affection, but I was nervous, insecure, and acne-ridden I reirls and learned their rules and protocol I tagged along with them to the park sometiarettes I waited on the swings,myself sick I saw Beth stick her hand down Scott's pants It looked like she was punching hiernail polish was dull and sloppy I was so horny I don't even think I could bear to hold hands with a girl

As an to worry about , so I found the old turquoise suitcase and piled ined what it would be like to dress up in a suit and walk around with the suitcase like a businessman I wanted to paint it black so it seearish, like it was announcing itself as a vessel of s seeh, so it was a safe and unassuht the Joan Jett cassette called Joan Jett cassette called Albuh I was also scared of her) I listened to it a few ti out on my mushroo that had a chorus where Joan sang the lyrics ”You're a star fucker star fucker star fucker” over and over There was also a part about a clean pussy and giving head to Steve McQueen, but I didn't really latch on to those (I adh I was also scared of her) I listened to it a few ti out on my mushroo that had a chorus where Joan sang the lyrics ”You're a star fucker star fucker star fucker” over and over There was also a part about a clean pussy and giving head to Steve McQueen, but I didn't really latch on to those

Dad charged intoto it and told me to turn it off Then he ejected the cassette, pulled a bunch of the tape out, and put it on the ground He lifted his foot high and then stepped on it He took the cassette box fro in the air with her guitar He said through gritted teeth, ”I should just burn this crap”

I didn't kno to respond, so I just said, ”Sorry”

”I don't care for any of this stuff that you listen to,” he said

He ground his heel into the plastic cassette and into the carpet The ribbon of the tape surrounded his foot like dead baby snakes

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