Part 20 (1/2)

Not go at all.

That one errant thought had the effect, finally, of pulling me out of this craziness. Was I seriously considering not going to Chicago because of a guy? Giving up my dream so I could stay home and be in love? For some girls, it would be a no brainer. Romantic, silly girls. Girls who weren't like me.

It's what my mother would do. She would sacrifice anything for the man she loved, even her own happiness. Even the happiness of her child.

But I sure as h.e.l.l wouldn't.

”Annie, will you please tell me what's going on?” he said, sounding almost scared.

”I'm moving to Chicago,” I said. ”And after that, hopefully New York. The play is moving on and I'm going with it.”

I tried not to notice how excited he looked, how pleased he seemed to be for me. There was still worry in his face, sure, but the predominant emotion was clearly happiness. Like he wanted only what was good for me.

”Listen,” I said, holding up my hand as he appeared about to get up. I was pleased to hear how steady my voice sounded. I was doing the right thing.

”I've been thinking about this a lot. I really don't want to do the whole long distance thing. It's not my style.”

His expression clouded over and I turned my head slightly so I wouldn't have to see his face.

”I had a good time with you, Nate, I really did. But I think this has run its course.”

He was silent for so long I finally had to chance a glance in his direction. He was staring at me, steely-eyed.

”What happened today?” he asked, his voice low.

”What do you mean?” I stammered.

”You weren't in this place when you left my bed this morning,” he said.

I had a sudden memory of him handing me a coffee and kissing me at his door when I left for the theater, his hair tousled and his face rough with stubble. Was that only this morning? I pushed the image from my mind.

”When they offered me the chance to go to Chicago, it really clarified things for me,” I said, careful to keep my voice emotionless. ”It would be wrong of me to string you along when my focus is going to be elsewhere.”

”Chicago is an hour's flight away,” he said. ”And the show won't run forever.”

”Yeah, but when it's over we might be going to New York. Besides, you work during the week and I'll be performing on the weekends. It just won't work.”

”It could,” he said, his voice low. ”If we worked at it-”

”I don't want to work at it!” I said, feeling my control slip a notch. ”I want to work at doing the best show I can. That's all I can care about right now, okay?”

”I don't understand why you're doing this,” he said, and something in his voice made me look at him again. I wished I hadn't. ”I don't understand why you feel like you need to throw us away.”

”What are you talking about?” I asked, starting to get p.i.s.sed. ”Nate, we were never serious. At least, I never was. I thought we wanted the same thing: some fun.”

Suddenly he was on his feet and striding toward me. ”Bulls.h.i.+t,” he said, grabbing my arm so tight I yelped.

”Hey!” I cried, but he interrupted me.

”That's bulls.h.i.+t and you know it, Annie. Jesus, for such an amazing actor you'd think this song and dance would be a bit more believable.”

”What are you talking about?” I demanded.

He released my arm and turned away from me. ”You care about me. I know you do. You can pretend you don't all you want, but I know it's true. So what the h.e.l.l is this all about, really?”

”You don't know what you're talking about,” I said, shaking my head.

”I think I do,” he said, his voice so angry I felt almost scared. ”I think I know exactly what's going on. You're falling for me. The same way I'm falling for you. You know that we could be really amazing together and that scares the s.h.i.+t out of you.”

”Why would that scare me?” I asked, my hands starting to shake.

He turned back to me and met my gaze evenly. ”Because you think I'm going to leave you. And so you're determined to push me away first.”

I stared back at him. ”That's...that just ridiculous.”

He laughed humorlessly. ”Please. Don't insult me. It's fine, okay, if you think that. You could have the decency to just tell me. But don't pretend like I'm nothing, like we're nothing. Because we're not. And you know it. You f.u.c.king know it, Annie.”

I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I had ditched tons of boys before and no one had ever said these things to me. No one had ever stood up and actually fought to keep me around.

Your mom fought, a little voice in my head said. Look how hard she fought for dad. How long she fought. And where the h.e.l.l did that get her? Alone and miserable and still pining after him, eager to accept his crumbs. After everything he did. Is that what you want?

”No,” I whispered. ”I won't do this.”

”Annie-”

”Nate, I'm sorry, but it's over. I don't want to be tied to home right now. I'm going to Chicago and that's the end.”

”You know what, Annie?” Nate said, taking another step closer. He was only inches away now, so close I could see the wetness gathering in his eyes. ”You're a scared little girl. I never would have thought it of you, but you're nothing more than a coward.”

I would have rather he slapped me, so great was the sting of his words. Before I could respond, he had turned away, was striding to the open bedroom door.

”Good luck with the show,” he said, the bitterness in his voice palpable. Then he slammed the door to my room behind him and I was alone.

Chapter Twenty-five.

*The time after a break-up can be incredibly difficult. If you think you've finally found the one and it ends up not working out, it's easy to get discouraged. Don't become bitter, ladies! My advice to you is to get right back out there and start dating again!'-The Single Girl's Guide to Finding True Love ”Refill?” the waitress asked, holding up her coffee pot.

”Yes, please,” I said, smiling at her.

She refilled my cup and ambled back to the counter. It was dead slow in the diner and I saw her pull out a magazine before she slipped behind the counter.

I turned back to my computer, trying to focus on the email from my mother. My moving to Chicago was what finally got her to brave her fear of the internet and get an email account. I was afraid I had unleashed a monster; she was now constantly sending me links to recipes she thought I should try (completely ignoring the fact that I couldn't cook) and articles detailing the wonder of internet dating.

Her first few emails had been chock-full of information about my father, but I told her flat-out I would delete anything else she sent me about him. Apparently, they were spending quite a bit of time together. How romantic.

My phone rang, distracting me from that line of thinking before I could get too angry. I looked down at the screen and smiled, though I also felt a little pang in my chest. Ginny.