Part 22 (1/2)

But instead, she said nothing.

”How's it coming?” Jack asked, grabbing Kelly's shoulders and squeezing.

Kelly jumped in her plastic chair, startled-then shrugged his hands away. ”Slow,” she said, standing and crossing the breakroom to retrieve a mug of hot water from the microwave, opening the door with ten seconds left to go. ”But it's coming along.” She didn't mention that in the last two weeks, the only progress she'd made at all had been in her level of anxiety.

She'd stalled creatively. Without consistent results, she had no sales angle; without a sales angle, she had no campaign. The p.r.o.nto-Tester seemed to mock her; its LED, finger divot, and serrated mouth formed a leering face that watched her pace a furrow into the carpet. Periodically it stuck its tongue out to mock her-in the form of another cryptic slip of paper that raised more questions than it answered. As the slips began to acc.u.mulate into a terrible mountain of frustration, each new theory dashed by the next result, its blank expression seemed to her absurdly, maddeningly calm.

And other pressing matters had come up for her-health insurance paperwork, renewing magazine subscriptions, getting a new cell phone and transferring her whole phonebook. Days had rolled by unmarked, save by her nightly resolution that tomorrow would be more productive.

Still, she knew she'd get it done eventually. After all, she was the genius behind Fat-It-Out.

”I bet it's gonna be great,” Jack grinned. He turned to retrieve a stack of papers from the printer, paging through them, throwing a few away. ”I could get used to this whole hands-off kinda deal. I mean, don't get me wrong, s.h.i.+pping out skillets takes up most the day. But I'm working on courting some new clients, drumming up some business. I even got a new slogan, check it out-'J-B-E is going up, up, up!'”He spread his hands like a presenter on one of his infomercials, his showman instincts kicking in. ”Came to me in the shower!I'm thinking of having new cards printed. Orange is hot, right?You want an orange business card?”

”Absolutely,” Kelly said, fumbling with a tea bag, splas.h.i.+ng it into the mug, spilling hot water on the counter. How long were you supposed to steep it? Did it get bitter if you left it in too long?She was bad at tea.

”I knew knew it! I it! I knew knew you'd love it!” Jack rubbed his meaty hands together. ”And here's a little incentive for you. Let me take you you'd love it!” Jack rubbed his meaty hands together. ”And here's a little incentive for you. Let me take you behind behind the the scenes. scenes.” He shuffled through the stack of printouts and produced what looked like an invoice, written entirely in Chinese. ”Take a look at this!”

”I have no idea what that says.”

”Say h.e.l.lo to the proud new owner of two hundred thousand p.r.o.ntoTesters,” Jack said smugly.

Kelly suddenly felt her vision swim. She tried to talk, but her mouth was dry. Reflexively she sipped her tea, nearly scalding her tongue. Through a haze of steam she choked, ”You bought out the factory?”

”Every English one they made!” Jack beamed. ”Did I tell you before?How those idiots tried to screw me on the Fat-It-Out? Cheap b.a.s.t.a.r.ds quoted me three-eighteen American per unit, something like that-then, all of a sudden, when I have to fill ten thousand orders in a week, the price mysteriously mysteriously jumps to five-oh-one! Trying to screw me over!” jumps to five-oh-one! Trying to screw me over!”

”That's a big difference,” she acknowledged.

”They blamed it on the exchange rate,” Jack said, tossing the invoice onto the counter atop the other printouts. ”The dollar sucks, but not that that bad bad that that fast. In the end I paid the bill, I mean, I had to, or else that's it for our sales-and fast. In the end I paid the bill, I mean, I had to, or else that's it for our sales-and we we were charging thirty-nine-ninety-five-plus-S&H. But still.”Kelly cringed as he popped his knuckles, one after the other. ”p.r.o.ntoTester is gonna do were charging thirty-nine-ninety-five-plus-S&H. But still.”Kelly cringed as he popped his knuckles, one after the other. ”p.r.o.ntoTester is gonna do great great. I know know it will. This”-he tapped the Chinese invoice-”this is me it will. This”-he tapped the Chinese invoice-”this is me believing believing in you, Kel. Two hundred thousand now, two million tomorrow, twenty million next week! Who knows? This could real easily be our in you, Kel. Two hundred thousand now, two million tomorrow, twenty million next week! Who knows? This could real easily be our careers.” careers.”

Kelly felt a knot settle in her stomach. The possibility of spending an entire career with Jack made her queasy. She took a cautious sip of the tea, and thought she felt the steam cloud up inside her skull.

”Oh, and one other thing, no big deal,” he said. Kelly noted a sudden change in his tone-forced casual, now. ”In case you get a call from some lawyer. There's some B.S. cla.s.s-action out there building against Fat-It-Out. It's nothing-gold-diggers, trying to get a piece. It's always the way when you make it big.” He waved his hand dismissively, as if he were all too familiar with the trappings of success. Kelly watched a bead of sweat roll down the back of his neck. ”They're going after the non-stick coating. Toxic something-or-other. It's totally baseless, but in case you hear from someone-which you shouldn't, because I've been keeping your name away from this-I want to make sure we all know the story.”He began to tick off points on his fingers. Kelly suddenly had the odd feeling that he'd had to recite this particular list before. ”JBE has no role in manufacturing our products, we are simply marketers and distributors. JBE makes no warranty claims as to the condition or durability of its products. JBE relies on its customers to make determinations of quality prior to purchase. Many thousands of customers have reported no complaints with JBE products in the past.”

He jerked up to look her in the eye, his red-rimmed gaze belying a deep, sudden intensity that gave Kelly a chill. ”You got all that?”

”Okay, show me this amazing idea of yours,” she told Julio, slumping into the uncomfortable chair behind his editing workstation. Four weeks now, and she was maddeningly no closer to a finished product than before-even though Julio always seemed to be working on something. He told her it was just how he filled his days, scrolling through the hours of useless footage they'd shot, looking for funny outtakes and re-cutting words and phrases into bizarre non sequiturs. He did this a lot, during downtime. He said it was how he kept his perspective.

She'd even seen glimpses of other projects on his monitor, stuff they'd shot for Fat-It-Out or even older material predating her tenure-raw footage from campaigns like HairGlo-5, the hair-sculpting wax made with ”real bee proteins,” or the TradeCenter, a kids' bank that had unfortunately hit the market in September 2001.

And she had to admit that Julio had his fake-busy work down to a science. Jack could burst in the door at any given time, and Julio would look every bit as productive as his timecard claimed he was.

”Tell me what you think,” Julio said, tapping his s.p.a.cebar to start the video playing.

Sappy music swelled. On the monitor, handsome parents played with beautiful children. (Kelly recognized shots from the ”Contemporary Family” stock-footage collection.) Julio's voice, lively and bright, rang from the speakers: ”Do you suffer from anxiety about the future? Concerned about what tomorrow may bring?Are you afraid of dying?” afraid of dying?”

”This is hilarious,” Kelly grinned.

The p.r.o.ntoTester appeared on the screen with a flash. ”Now, the solution to all of life's uncertainty!The Machine of Death.”One of the phone-response kids stuck his finger into the device, then held it up with a cheesy smile. A close-up revealed that his test result was SKYDIVING ACCIDENT. Julio's voice continued: ”It tells you exactly how you'll leave this earth!”

Kelly burst out laughing. ”You sound so serious!” serious!”

”We're gonna run this on air, right?” Julio deadpanned, stopping the playback with a keystroke.

”Totally. You just made my job a lot easier,” Kelly said. ”Oh, man. Early lunch for everyone!”

Julio spun in his chair. ”Awesome!But I'm still billing the hours.”

”Go for it. It's not my money.”Kelly motioned to the computer. ”Keep playing! How long is it?”

”So far I've got, like, thirty-two minutes.” Julio laughed at Kelly's gaping expression. ”Been a slow couple of weeks!”

He moved his mouse and cued footage on the video monitor. ”See, here we've got outtakes from Fat-It-Out-these guys are dying from CHOLESTEROL. And check this out.”He pressed the s.p.a.cebar, and they watched a woman in Spandex do a series of awkward crunches inside a spring-like contraption. A big red graphic slammed onto the footage: SHODDY EXERCISER.

Kelly doubled over with laughter. The Ab-Mazing had certainly been the shoddiest exerciser she'd ever seen, though it hadn't stopped JBE from peddling them in no less than three successive infomercials as Jack tried desperately to sell his back stock. ”Jack's brain would go nuclear if he saw this. You have no idea idea how much money he lost on that piece of c.r.a.p.” how much money he lost on that piece of c.r.a.p.”

”Oh, I have an idea.”Julio half-twisted to glance back at Kelly. He seemed to consider adding something else-but a sharp rap on the door silenced him. He whirled back to the computer and cued footage of the p.r.o.ntoTester onto the monitor.

Jack burst into the room officiously. ”Kel, quick question-you haven't heard from that lawyer I talked about, have you?About Fat-It-Out?”

Kelly shook her head. ”No. Should I have?”

”No! No, it's fine. But if you do get a call, don't say anything, okay? Let me know right away.”He glanced at the monitor and beamed. ”Looks great! Coming right along! When do I get to see a cut?”

Kelly swallowed. Luckily, Julio's complicated timeline on the computer screen gave the impression of progress. ”Soon,” she said. ”Still tweaking.”

”That's why you're gonna go far,” Jack said, leaning his bulk on the creaking desk. ”Never satisfied!”He thumped the desk twice for emphasis, clapped Kelly heavily on the shoulder, and slammed the door viciously behind him.

Kelly and Julio sat sh.e.l.l-shocked as the echoes of his presence faded. Julio was the first to speak: ”I am so glad that guy is dumber than I am.”

Kelly drummed her fingers on the desk nervously. Suddenly she felt stupid, wasteful. ”How soon do you think we could have a real real cut?” cut?”

Julio's new laugh was bitter. ”You're not serious. Give me a script! Shoot us some footage!” He looked at his watch. ”When is this thing supposed to air? If I cared about that sort of thing, I would be freaking out right about now.”

Kelly nodded slowly. ”Yeah. Unfortunately, I do do care about that sort of thing. The airtime's been bought for weeks.” She stood and paced in a tight circle, trying desperately to make all the problems go away by waving her hands around-after all, nothing care about that sort of thing. The airtime's been bought for weeks.” She stood and paced in a tight circle, trying desperately to make all the problems go away by waving her hands around-after all, nothing else else was working. ”I just can't wrap my head around this stupid thing!All Jack can say is, he thinks it's a drug test. Well, guess what! It's clearly was working. ”I just can't wrap my head around this stupid thing!All Jack can say is, he thinks it's a drug test. Well, guess what! It's clearly not. not. I I can't can't sell it as a drug test because he's going to get us sued and we'll all be out of a job!Why the h.e.l.l does he think it's a drug test?” She blew loose hair from her face and slumped back into the chair. The whole thing was asinine. She'd even begged him to hire a translation firm and get the schematics translated from Chinese, but he was paranoid about information leaking to compet.i.tors. So she banged her head aginst the wall for four weeks, and the result was that they were nowhere. sell it as a drug test because he's going to get us sued and we'll all be out of a job!Why the h.e.l.l does he think it's a drug test?” She blew loose hair from her face and slumped back into the chair. The whole thing was asinine. She'd even begged him to hire a translation firm and get the schematics translated from Chinese, but he was paranoid about information leaking to compet.i.tors. So she banged her head aginst the wall for four weeks, and the result was that they were nowhere.

But she was the superstar. This was the type of problem superstars were supposed to solve. solve.

”Well, you know know why he's on about the drug-testing,” Julio said, working his chair's pneumatic lift in spurts, becoming shorter inch by hissing inch. ”The thing why he's on about the drug-testing,” Julio said, working his chair's pneumatic lift in spurts, becoming shorter inch by hissing inch. ”The thing does does work, as far as that goes. It's just-only for him, is the problem.”He twirled in a circle. ”Well, and for me too.” work, as far as that goes. It's just-only for him, is the problem.”He twirled in a circle. ”Well, and for me too.”

Kelly looked up slowly. He'd lost her completely. ”Back up like ten steps.”

Julio spoke seriously, confessingly. ”I...I'm addicted to overtime, Kelly.” He buried his head in his hands. ”I got my eyes on some new rims. They're s.h.i.+ny-so s.h.i.+ny.” s.h.i.+ny.”

”No, what did you mean, 'it worked for Jack'?”

”Oh, man, you know he tested positive, right?”Julio spun back towards his computer, clacking keys like a machine gun. An overflowing email inbox appeared on his screen. ”Tested himself the first day. COCAINE AND PAINKILLERS.”

”Oh my G.o.d,” Kelly said, leaning towards the screen. ”That makes so much sense. That explains so much.”And then she realized what it was that she was looking at. ”You hacked Jack's email?”

Julio turned to her with a shrug. ”Not so much 'hacked' as 'guessed a ridiculously obvious pa.s.sword,'” he said. ”I mean, jackisgreat? jackisgreat?Seriously, it was my first try.”