Part 24 (2/2)
”What family are we talking about here?”
”The family.” family.”
”Gotcha.”
”So here it is . . .”
Lula was already chuckling, unable to contain herself. ”I'm sorry,” she said. ”It just cracks me up. Wait until you hear this, you'll fall off the chair.”
”Eddie DeChooch set up a deal for contraband cigarettes,” Connie said. ”He figured it was a small operation and he could handle it himself. So he rented a truck and drove to Richmond to pick up the cartons of cigarettes. While he's there Louie D has a fatal heart attack. As you may know, Louie D is from Jersey. All his life he's lived in Jersey and then a couple years ago he relocated to Richmond to manage some business operations. So when Louie D goes toes-up DeChooch gets on the phone and immediately notifies the Jersey family.
”The first person DeChooch calls, of course, is Anthony Thumbs.” Connie paused, leaned forward, and lowered her voice. ”Do you know who I'm talking about when I say Anthony Thumbs?”
I nodded. Anthony Thumbs controls Trenton. Which I guess is a dubious honor, being that Trenton isn't exactly the center of the universe for mob activity. His real name is Anthony Thumbelli but everyone calls him Anthony Thumbs. Since Thumbelli isn't a common Italian name, I can only a.s.sume it was fabricated on Ellis Island and stuck, just as my Grandfather Plum's name was shortened from Plumerri by an overworked immigration clerk.
Connie went on. ”Anthony Thumbs has never been especially fond of Louie D, but Louie D is related in some obscure way, and Anthony knows the family plot is in Trenton. So Anthony Thumbs does the right thing as head of the family and tells DeChooch to escort Louie D back to Jersey for burial. Only Anthony Thumbs, who's not known as being the world's most eloquent guy, says to Eddie DeChooch, who can't hear for anything, 'Bring the fart to me.' That's a direct quote. Anthony Thumbs says to Eddie DeChooch, 'Bring the fart to me.'
”DeChooch knows there's no love lost between Louie D and Anthony Thumbs. And DeChooch thinks it's a vendetta thing and thinks Anthony Thumbs said, 'Bring the heart heart to me.'” to me.'”
My mouth dropped open. ”What?”
Connie was grinning and tears of laughter were streaming down Lula's cheeks.
”I love this part,” Lula said. ”I love this part.”
”I swear to G.o.d,” Connie said. ”DeChooch thought Anthony Thumbs wanted Louie D's heart. So DeChooch breaks into the funeral home late at night and does a very nice job of slicing into Louie D and removing his heart. Had to crack a couple ribs to do it, apparently. The funeral director said . . .” Connie had to stop a minute to compose herself. ”The funeral director said he'd never seen such a professional job.”
Lula and Connie were laughing so hard they had to steady themselves with both hands on Connie's desk to keep from rolling on the floor.
I clapped a hand over my mouth, not knowing whether to join them laughing or go my own route and throw up.
Connie blew her nose and wiped the tears away with a clean tissue. ”Okay, so DeChooch puts the heart in an igloo cooler with some ice and takes off for Trenton with the cigarettes and the heart. He brings the cooler to Anthony Thumbs, proud as anything, and tells him he's got Louie D's heart.
”Anthony goes nuts, of course, and tells DeChooch to take the f.u.c.king heart back to Richmond and have the undertaker return it to Louie D.
”Everyone's sworn to secrecy because this is not only embarra.s.sing, it's dangerously disrespectful between two family factions that don't get along all that well during the best of times. And on top of that Louie D's wife, who is a very religious woman, is freaking because Louie's been desecrated. Sophia DeStephano has set herself up as the protector of Louie's immortal soul and is h.e.l.l-bent to see Louie buried whole. And she's given DeChooch an ultimatum that either he gets Louie's heart back in Louie's body or DeChooch will be hamburger.”
”Hamburger?”
”One of Louie's operations was a meat processing plant.”
I gave an involuntary s.h.i.+ver.
”Now here's where it gets confusing. DeChooch somehow loses the heart.”
It was so bizarre I wasn't sure if Connie was telling me the truth or if she and Lula had concocted the whole thing as a joke. ”He lost the heart,” I said. ”How could he lose the heart?”
Connie did a palms-up. Like she couldn't totally believe it. ”I got it all from my Aunt Flo, and that's as much as she knows.”
”No wonder DeChooch is depressed.”
”f.u.c.kin' A,” Lula said.
”Where does Loretta Ricci fit into this?”
Another palms-up from Connie. ”Don't know.”
”Mooner and Dougie?”
”Don't know that, either,” Connie said.
”So DeChooch is looking for Louie D's heart.”
Connie was still smiling. Connie really liked this. ”Apparently.”
I thought about it for a minute. ”Somewhere along the way DeChooch decided Dougie had the heart. Then he decided Mooner had the heart.”
”Yeah,” Lula said, ”and now he thinks you you have the heart.” have the heart.”
A bunch of black dots danced across my field of vision and bells started clanging in my head.
”Uh-oh,” Lula said, ”you don't look so good.”
I put my head between my legs and tried to take a deep breath. ”He thinks I have Louie D's heart!” I said. ”He thinks I'm walking around with a heart. My G.o.d, what kind of a person walks around with a dead guy's heart?
”I thought we were talking about drugs. I thought I was trading some c.o.ke for Mooner. How am I ever going to pull off a swap for a heart?”
”Don't seem like anything you have to worry about,” Lula said, ”since DeChooch doesn't have Mooner or Dougie.”
I told Connie and Lula about the limo and Mooner.
”Isn't that perfect,” Lula said. ”Some old lady kidnapped the Mooner. Maybe it was Louie D's wife trying to get Louie's heart back.”
”You better hope it wasn't Louie D's wife,” Connie said. ”She makes Morelli's grandmother look sane. There's a story told about her that she thought a neighbor disrespected her, and the next day the woman was found dead with her tongue cut out.”
”She made Louie kill the woman?”
”No,” Connie said. ”Louie wasn't home at the time. He was away on business.”
”OmiG.o.d.”
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