Part 17 (1/2)
Unfortunately, Mongrel did not recoil. He merely regarded Nathan as he would an adorable puppy who'd gotten carried away while playing with a chew toy but was otherwise harmless.
”It disappoints me that you did that,” said Mongrel. ”I had hoped not to have to cause you to be zapped, but apparently that shall not be the case.”
He reached into his inside suit pocket and took out a long metal pole, although it wasn't so long that it couldn't have credibly been resting inside the suit all this time. He touched the end to Nathan's chest. Nathan yelped at the shock, then felt dizzy, and then realized he was lying on the floor, twitching a bit. Then he realized that it was much darker than it had been before the shock, and getting darker all the time, and then he couldn't see anything at all, and then he didn't care.
SEVENTEEN.
When he woke up he was on a theatre stage, surrounded by monsters.
They were seated around him in a circle, nine or ten of them. None of them were currently devouring (or attempting to devour) his flesh, so they didn't seem immediately hostile, but they were certainly intimidating.
Professor Mongrel sat in the circle as well, as did a.s.sistant Kleft.
”Welcome back,” said Mongrel.
Nathan wiped some dried drool from the side of his mouth. ”Thank you.”
”You may have noticed that you're still alive. I can't always guarantee that this will be the case after I poke you with my zapper, so I'd advise you not to give me further reasons to use it.”
”I won't.”
”Good. Now let me introduce you to your new friends.” Mongrel pointed to a boy who looked about seventeen, with long red hair. ”This is Donald. He can swallow a coin and make the necessary change when it emerges. Show him, Donald.”
Donald popped a coin into his mouth and swallowed.
”It's not a quick process,” Mongrel admitted, ”which is why he tends to serve in more of a janitorial capacity than as one of the performers. But still, it's an impressive trick if you can stomach it. Moving on...” Mongrel pointed to a very large woman with a long, thick beard. ”This is Mildred, the bearded lady.”
”Pleased to meet you,” she said, in a voice that wasn't nearly as gruff as Nathan might have expected.
”Does she frighten you?” Mongrel asked.
”Well, no,” said Nathan. ”I mean, it's just a lady with a beard.”
”But it's unnatural!” said Mongrel. ”Deeply unnatural! Doesn't such a departure from the norm strike you with fear?”
Nathan wasn't sure if he was supposed to just play along. He didn't want to get shocked again. ”I guess it could be scary.”
”No, you were right the first time. It's not. We've tried dyeing it a mult.i.tude of colors and tr.i.m.m.i.n.g it into the most frightening shapes imaginable-even a bat-but nothing works. It causes nary a tremble.”
”I even tried throwing things once,” said Mildred.
”Next we have Gondola and Horatio, the former Siamese twins. They used to be joined at the waist, until they were separated in a not-so-gruesome accident. Now, they look very similar, and yet they are two individuals. Does that frighten you?”
”No.”
”What do you mean, no? Look how similar they are! If it weren't for the mole and the scar, you might almost mistake them for two copies of the same person!”
”I see that, but it's really more confusing than frightening. They're just twins.”
”Twins who used to be joined together into a four-legged, four-armed, two-headed, one-s.h.i.+rted monstrosity! How can you not fear them?”
”Well, I suppose if they were attacking me or something, I might be uncomfortable.”
”We don't want uncomfortable! We want a level of fear that makes you lose control of every bodily function you've got, including the ones hidden within your skin! We want our audience to be reduced to blobs of boneless jelly wobbling in the breeze!”
”Twins aren't going to do that.”
”Blast!” Mongrel sighed. ”I'm going to skip most of the other introductions to save time, but feast your eyes upon Gabriel the Alligator Boy!”
Nathan looked at Gabriel, who sat calmly on the floor.
”He doesn't look like an alligator.”
”Perhaps not, but he acts like one!”
Nathan watched Gabriel for a moment.
”In what way?”
”Alligators spend most of their time lying in the sun. If there was sunlight in this room, Gabriel would be lying in it.”
”Oh.”
”If you stumbled upon an alligator out in the wild doing the exact same thing, you'd be frightened, wouldn't you?”
”I guess so.”
”Oooohhh, well, listen to the big brave alligator hunter! Admit it, if you encountered an alligator sunning itself in the water not six feet away from you, your mind would be an absolute mess. Admit it!”
”I'll admit that,” said Nathan. ”But him just sitting there pretending to be an alligator sunning itself isn't particularly terrifying.”
Mongrel let out a deep, long sigh, and then nodded. ”I'm not going to lie to you. Professor Mongrel's Theatre of the Macabre should really be called Professor Mongrel's Theatre of Disappointed, Angry Customers.”
”Or Professor Kleft's Parade of the Macabre,” Kleft muttered.
”What was that?”
”I did not speak.”
”Though we try not to publicize this, every bearded lady, ex-Siamese twin, alligator boy, stretchy man, lobotomy recipient, meerkat-tongued woman, and investment banker in this room knows that we offer a feeble theatre-going experience for an audience that desires fear.” He grinned. ”But that's where you come in, Nathan. I would not have to offer ten minutes of verbal buildup to convince customers that you are scary. You are the real thing. And you will save us all!”
Everybody in the room applauded.