Chapter 18.1 (1/2)
Deep in the Act
Translator: Kotoni
Editor: Isalee
First Published on Chaleuria
Warning: Contains descriptions of rape and trauma.
Chapter 18.1
Fang Chi could not stop looking at his watch. It was getting closer and closer to the scheduled time for Gao Zhun's appointment, but he was still completely unprepared. Two stacks of doc.u.ments lay on the table before him: on the left were several case studies on male s.e.xual a.s.sault victims, while the clinical studies on PTSD in female victims of s.e.xual violence rested on the right. As he had expected, the two fields remained distinct in local academia. To date, no one in the country had attempted any integrated studies in both areas; Fang Chi had run into a veritable void in psychological research.
Rape… He had never a.s.sociated Gao Zhun with the expression before. Having worked with female rape victims, he knew far too much about the significance of such a term. It stood for coercion, humiliation, and the loss of chast.i.ty. It also meant physical violence, damage to the genitals and reproductive system, as well as s.e.xually transmitted diseases. But far beyond that, it was a term that implied prejudice from the external environment, and lasting trauma.
Gao Zhun was raped - this knowledge had a strange power over Fang Chi. He became stifled. His heart and lungs seemed to struggle for air, and a numbness pervaded his mind. Even his hands had gone cold. Gao Zhun - proud, beautiful Gao Zhun - brutally crushed by another man… Fang Chi could not imagine it at all. He smashed a fist against the tabletop as he finally understood everything: all that trembling, all those unfinished sentences, and Gao Zhun's admission that he feared his disdain.
Fang Chi yanked off his tie and strode to the washroom to freshen up his face. Secretary Li knocked on the door; Gao Zhun was here for his appointment. Treat him the same way you always have, Fang Chi told himself. Don't pity him. Don't be overly concerned about him. The door opened. Gao Zhun stood in the doorway with his usual polished manners and refined elegance, looking perfect to a fault. But his head was lowered; there was no polite greeting this time, no friendly smile for Fang Chi.
Fang Chi tried to reach for his hand, but he evaded the contact without any subtlety. Fang Chi could tell that he was shaking. ”Shall we take a seat first, Mr. Gao?”
Gao Zhun pressed his back tight against the door, cornered and guarded. It pained Fang Chi to see him driven into such desperate defensiveness. ”You managed to say it out loud. It was very brave of you, and I admire your courage,” Fang Chi said as he took a resolute step towards Gao Zhun and closed the distance between them. Ignoring the other man's wordless protests, Fang Chi gripped his hands and refused to let go. They felt like snow - so cold, and so soft. ”I can help you,” he continued, ”as long as you are willing to entrust yourself to me.”
Gao Zhun caved; he could not resist Fang Chi's temptation. ”What else do you want?” he stammered. ”I told you everything. I've already shown you all of me!”
Fang Chi heard the hurt and complaint in his voice, as well as the deep, intense longing for redemption. These were enough - Fang Chi knew - these were enough to ensure Gao Zhun's obedience. ”It's not enough. I need you to walk me through the entire process. Share every detail and feeling from the experience with me.”
Biting his lips, Gao Zhun looked up at him with eyes full of terror.
”What was he like?”
Gao Zhun's body jolted violently at the question, but Fang Chi refused to let up. ”How old was he? Was he tall or short? Was he Chinese?”
Gao Zhun still refused to give in. ”Was it someone you knew?” Fang Chi persisted, ”How many times?”
The questions were finally too much for Gao Zhun. He yelled in near-hysteria, ”I didn't know him! Just once!”
”Did he have a knife with him?” Fang Chi remained composed as he moved on to the next question.
”No…” Under the influence of Fang Chi's collectedness, Gao Zhun began to calm down as well. Like a wronged child who had run crying to his teacher, Gao Zhun looked pitiful as he added, ”But he hit me.”
Fang Chi tightened his grip on the other man's hands. ”Let's sit down first. We'll take it slow, okay?”
”Okay…” Gao Zhun was cooperative once more. He sat down on his chair, like he always did, and watched Fang Chi take his seat in the diagonally opposite chair with his writing materials, looking ever so dependable.
”Let's begin,” Fang Chi said. ”Start from the very beginning. There's no rush. Take your time, and stop when you feel too overwhelmed, but don't hide anything from me.”
Not daring to look at Fang Chi, Gao Zhun dropped his gaze. He stared at the tips of his shoes and began, ”It was… Friday night. Linlin's birthday. I remember the time very clearly - 11:40 p.m. - I received a work-related call about a batch of Nepalese Buddha miniatures that had just arrived. I went downstairs to the parking garage…” He choked a little at the mention of the parking garage. ”I have a Cayenne, Prussian blue in color…”