Part 12 (1/2)
”Yeah, partly,” I mumbled. ”I'm just finding it hard to work with Elise at the moment.”
”Have you two still not hit it off?” Bella asked tentatively. ”I thought you were getting on so much better now.” She looked at me with a motherly concern.
I sighed and leant back against the sofa, closing my eyes. ”We're getting on fine,” I said finally.
”But?”
I so needed to talk to someone about it, but I just didn't know how Bella would react. Would she think I was stupid for falling in love with Elise? It was ludicrous, wasn't it? Wanting to act out in real life what I was acting out on screen?
”I can't tell you, Bella,” I said. ”I don't even know where to begin. It's all such a mess, it really is.”
I rubbed my hands roughly over my face, digging the tips of my fingers into the corners of my eyes as if trying to push back the tears that were threatening to spill again.
”Holly, my dear,” Bella put her hand on my knee. ”I've known you since you were twelve. I've been your other mother since you were twelve. I've watched you grow up from a sweet kid into the loveliest, most beautiful young lady anyone could wish to meet.” She smiled kindly at me. ”I'm very fond of you, you know, and I'd like to think you could come to me and tell me anything.”
”I just don't know if you'd understand, though,” I said sadly.
”I have three teenagers of my own at home.” Bella nudged me good-naturedly. ”I don't think there's much I don't understand about you lot.” She thought for a while. ”Why was Elise so desperate to see you just now? She looked awful. Really worried.”
”Did she?” A small spark ignited inside me, in spite of myself.
”Mm-hmm,” Bella nodded, her eyebrows raised.
”I'm totally f.u.c.ked up in the head at the moment,” I said quietly. ”And I've been messing up takes a bit too much just lately.”
”Okay...” Bella started. ”So why are you messing up your takes?”
”Because my mind is constantly on something...someone...else,” I said.
”Now we're getting somewhere.” Bella patted my leg.
”My head's such a mess, Bella,” I mumbled. ”I just don't know what to do!”
”Are you and Elise fighting over some boy?” Bella suddenly asked. ”Is that what this is about? You've both met someone and you both fancy him?”
Oh, if only she knew!
”Robbie?” Bella persisted. ”Is it to do with her date with Robbie? Do you like him yourself?”
I laughed. ”No,” I said. ”Trust me, it's not that at all.” We didn't speak for a few seconds. I was desperate to talk to her about it but just didn't know where to even begin. I took a deep breath. ”I had an e-mail,” I said slowly. ”From an ex.”
”Ugh, the ex's e-mail conundrum.” Bella shuddered.
”Exactly,” I said. ”My ex wants to meet me and I don't know what to do.”
”How long ago did you split up?” Bella asked. ”I didn't even know you were seeing anyone, to be honest.”
”Two years,” I said. ”And, no. I wanted to keep quiet about it.”
”And he wants to see you again?” Bella looked at me with concern. ”And you don't know whether you should go and see him? Is that it?”
”Something like that,” I muttered, staring down at my hands.
”Do you want to see him?” Bella asked.
Her! Her! Did I want to see her?
”I don't know, that's just it,” I said. ”I haven't replied to the e-mail yet.”
”So where does Elise fit into all this?” Bella asked.
”She figured I was stressing over something,” I said slowly, ”and has been pus.h.i.+ng me to talk to her about it.”
”And you don't want to talk to her because...?” Bella offered.
”Because if I start to talk to her, I'll never stop.” I looked at Bella. ”I just don't know what to do,” I suddenly said. ”Elise barely knows I exist some days, and I want her to.”
”You want her to?” Bella leant her head to one side, confused.
”I want her to notice me, Bella,” I said quietly. ”Because I like her.”
”I see,” Bella said slowly. ”I think.” She paused. ”Are you telling me what I think you're telling me?”
”The e-mail from the ex,” I said, wiping my nose with the back of my hand. ”The ex is a girl.”
”I see,” Bella repeated. ”I didn't know you were...you know...”
”Gay? Well, I am,” I said quietly. ”Always have been.”
”Okay,” Bella said slowly, processing. ”So let me get this right. You like Elise, but she doesn't know it, and now you've also had an e-mail from an ex-girlfriend, and you don't know what to do about it?”
”Yuh-huh.”
”You are in a pickle, aren't you?” Bella laughed good-naturedly, wrapping her arms around me and pulling me to her in a bear hug. ”And they say soaps are full of drama!”
”Could write a whole year's worth with me, I think.” I sniffled.
”And Elise has no idea that you're gay or that you like her?”
”G.o.d, no!” I looked horrified. ”She's no idea about either, and I want it to stay that way.”
I looked down at my hands and started worrying at a piece of skin on my thumb. ”I don't feel like I can stay away from Elise anymore,” I said numbly. ”I want her and I can't have her, and I hate it.” I thought for a moment. ”I haven't felt like this about anyone since Grace,” I said simply. ”And it's freaking me out a bit.”
”In a good way?”
”Yeah.” I sighed. ”Elise is all I think about, day and night. It feels good to have my mind so full of a person again, but it's scary at the same time, especially because she doesn't even know.”