Part 10 (1/2)

”Sure.” I was aware of both the cameraman's and Stuart's growing impatience. That didn't make my struggling any easier.

”Ready in three, two, one,” Stuart counted me down. ”And action.”

Why did you ignore me in the club, Elise? I looked at Elise, sitting impa.s.sively opposite me at the kitchen set table. Why did you think it was okay to get with some stranger then tell me about it this morning? Don't you know this is killing me?

”I can't be without you, Casey.” I spoke robotically. ”I don't think you realise just what you mean to me.” I looked at Elise's hand in mine, then back up to her face.

She stared back at me, her eyes questioning. ”Your line,” she mouthed when I didn't speak, ”not mine.”

”Cut!”

The pattern of stuttering and missed cues continued. I could hear Elise inhale deeply each time I corpsed or asked to try something again because I wasn't happy with it. When she wasn't prompting me for my line, she was repeatedly suggesting that I add something more to my scenes-a sigh here, a flick of my hair there-but it was impossible. Finally after about an hour, she broke.

”Are you deliberately trying to make this the longest afternoon in history?” she whispered while Stuart halted filming to talk to the lighting guy about changing some angles.

”I'm sorry.” I pulled my hands wearily through my hair. ”Not a good day today.”

”No.” She looked at me, her face dark.

”I said I'm sorry,” I repeated, wanting her to tell me everything was going to be okay.

”Maybe concentrate, more than being sorry.” She smiled. Was her smile kind? Or forced? I wished I knew.

”I'm trying my best here.” My voice was thick. ”Just give me a break, will you?”

”And that's your best?” Elise asked dismissively, leaning back in her chair and turning to face away from me.

I stared at her dumbly, my face burning.

”You okay, Holly?” Stuart, still talking to the lighting guy, jerked his chin in my direction.

I paused, still looking at Elise's back.

”Give me a sec, yeah Stu?” I called over to him.

I willed Elise to look back at me, but she didn't. Instead, she sat brooding, resolutely refusing to acknowledge that I was still sitting opposite her, and I figured at that moment she must have hated me. Well, I didn't want her to hate me. I wanted her to like me. What's so hard about that? I wanted her to like me like I liked her, but she was never going to, was she? I couldn't even go there because she was straight. She liked men; she'd proved that over the last two nights. Why the h.e.l.l would she even ever look twice at me?

Without another word, I got up and walked to the corner of the set, angrily wiping away tears of frustration. I stared at the wall in front of me, listening to the sounds of cameras being moved around behind me and of Stuart barking orders at yet another runner on the set.

I so didn't want to be like this, running away from Elise like a petulant child each time she said something to me that upset me, but I just couldn't help myself. Something in Elise and the way she looked at me brought out the hesitant, uncertain actress in me time and again, and I just didn't know what I could do about it.

A shadow covered me, and I was instantly aware of someone standing right behind me. I flinched as Elise put her hand on my shoulder, closing my eyes as I heard her quiet voice.

”I'm sorry.”

I turned to face her. ”No, I'm sorry,” I said. ”Dumb reaction.”

”I didn't mean to upset you, you know.” She stood in front of me, her hand still on my shoulder.

”You didn't upset me, Elise,” I said, taking a deep breath.

”You sure about that?” Elise asked. ”I wish I knew what it is I do that annoys or upsets you so much, Holly.” She studied my face. ”Or why you go running off every time I say or do something that you don't agree with.”

”I didn't go running off, Elise,” I lied. ”I just needed five.”

”But you don't like it when I say something you disagree with, do you?” Elise asked gently.

”I don't like you being impatient with me, no,” I said.

”Who was being impatient?” Elise looked at me in surprise.

”I don't know,” I mumbled, aware that I was being stupid and immature again. ”That's how it felt.”

”I wasn't being impatient, Hol.” She finally dropped her hand from my shoulder.

”Well, it felt like it,” I mumbled. I leant against the wall and started picking at a loose thread on my jumper, embarra.s.sed at how I was being with her. How could I explain to her that the only reason I'd fled from the set was because of her? How every criticism she directed my way was like a knife in my heart?

I had to be professional. I was just her co-star, for c.r.a.p's sake! I mean, how stupid would I look if I told her that I was confusing life and fiction, that the lines between what was real and what we were acting out on screen each night were becoming blurred?

For me, anyway.

Elise finally came and stood beside me, so that we were now both leaning against the wall. ”Oh, Holly Eight-Year!” Sighing, she leant her head back against the wall and stared up at the ceiling. I looked across and took in the sight of her fine cheekbones, her soft skin, her cute dimples, and her beautifully long eyelashes fluttering briefly each time she blinked. Here she was, standing so close to me, so close I could practically feel the warmth from her, and there was nothing I could do about it. I was desperate to touch her, willing her to turn and look at me, but still she stood staring up at the ceiling.

”I still don't think you like me very much, do you?” Suddenly she turned and looked at me, making me quickly look away. ”Despite everything.”

I felt my face flush with embarra.s.sment, as if she'd been reading my mind. ”I do,” I said, probably more defensively than it should have been. ”I do like you.”

Didn't she realise that I now knew exactly what I liked about her? Her confidence, her att.i.tude, her b.a.l.l.s? Didn't she know that's what turned me on? That's what gave me a reason to get up each morning? That I lived and breathed her exuberance, that it hypnotised me, lifted me, made me feel a better person? I felt alive when I was around her, felt like she and I could do anything. We were invincible-Jasey were invincible in Portobello Road, and Hollise could be invincible in real life.

Hollise. Holly and Elise.

I turned the words over in my head as Elise continued to talk, not listening to a word she was saying. I liked the idea of Hollise. Together, Elise and I could do anything-I was certain of that. She'd never have a bad experience with me like she'd done when she'd been in LA.

”I don't like to think I've upset you, Holly,” Elise said, interrupting my thoughts. ”I didn't mean to.” She caught my eye. ”I'm sorry.”

”Okay.” I didn't know what else to say.

”If I was impatient, then I apologise,” Elise was now saying. ”I know I can be a bit in-your-face-G.o.d knows I've been told enough times-but I don't mean to be, certainly not with you. Sometimes it just comes out wrong.”

I didn't answer her.

”I just want us to be friends,” she said. ”Because I like you, and I like working with you.”

Friends? Just friends?

”Me, too,” I finally said feebly. I waited for her to say something else, but she didn't. Instead, she looked at her watch and sighed.