72 *not a chapter*BUT WAIT THERE IS MORE TO COME (1/2)

Hi guys.... IM BAAAAAAAAACCCCKKKK!!!!!!! ????????

Yep! You heard it right!

Err... I mean... you read it right fellas ????

So!

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First and foremost,

I would like to extend my deepest and sincerest gratitude to all of you guys. Who never left me and continue to motivate me to keep going forward.

For all of your comments. Word of encouragement and prayers... Thank you so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so grateful for having you all guys... Thank you so much... ????

I promise that I will continue fighting and do my best to be brave enough to endure the pain and sorrow.

To be honest. The pain, it never recedes...

Every time before I go to bed, as I pray for His guidance, I always wept. As in I cried hard.

Until my eyes, felt tired, and I will fall to sleep.

In the middle of the night, I will wake up crying.

The pain, the sorrow, the agony, loneliness.... it wakes me up every time. I can't even have a good night's sleep.

I keep waking up after 3 to 4 hours.

I will sleep crying, then I will wake up crying and then it will repeat like that. Just like a cycle. It is always like that.

Then I will stir on my bed, sit up and look around. I am all alone.

Then the cold atmosphere does not help but instead exacerbates my great feeling of sadness.

It still hurts so bad. The pain is always there.

But one day I learned something. After so many failed attempts of suicide, realization dawn at me.

No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I wanted to end it my way. No matter how I try to escape if it is not His will. If it is not how He plans it to be.

IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.

It is not for us to decide about our life and death. It was for us to follow where He wants us to go.

Instead of closing our eyes. Shutting ourselves to everything around us. Instead of avoiding the pain.

I think, what we should do is embrace it. No matter how hard and painful it is. There is no turning back. We have to face it head-on.

If we cannot see, then let Him walk for us. If we don't know where to go, let Him lead us. If we're not sure what to do, then just go with the flow. He will always put us at His best interest.

Anyways!

Again, I would like to apologize for the hiatus. But starting today, I will be working on it. Don't worry.

As much as I can, I will do my best to be back at updating on a daily basis... (Cross finger) hehe...

Just so you know, I'm still having all those negative thoughts and urge to do the unthinkable. A lot of my friends who knew my situation recommend me to go seek professional help.

And personally, I think I badly needed that as well, especially those meds. I think I need that to ease the pain, cause maybe. Maybe these thoughts and feelings. All this negativity could be a result of a chemical imbalance in my brain?. Hmmmm.. Dunno for sure. Who knows? Only a professional in that field could say.

So, I ask for my parent's help. I mean I beg them to have me checked with the professional for diagnosis and possible solution. But the thing is, they don't believe with the word ”DEPRESSION”

They were too old school. Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against old school ideas. No offense meant. But what I am trying to say is they were not familiar with it because, during their time, DEPRESSION is not yet commonly known.