Part 31 (1/2)
”Actually, my father,” Hugh said. Because really, that was where the chain of madness began.
Sarah's body went still, but her head was shaking, almost as if she were trying to jog her brain into understanding. ”Why would you do this?” she asked, even though Hugh felt he had made his reasons perfectly clear. ”It's wrong. I-i-it's unnatural.”
”It's logical,” Hugh said.
”Logical? Logical? Are you insane? It's the most illogical, irresponsible, selfish-”
”Sarah, stop,” Daniel said, putting a hand on her shoulder. ”You're overset.”
But she just shook him off. ”Don't patronize me,” she snapped. She turned back to Hugh. He wished he knew what to say. He'd thought he had said the right thing. It was what would have convinced him had their positions been reversed.
”Were you thinking of anyone but yourself?” she demanded.
”I was thinking of your cousin,” Hugh said quietly.
”But it is different now,” she cried out. ”When you made that threat, it was just you. But now it's-”
Hugh waited, but she did not finish the sentence. She did not say, It's not. She didn't say, It's us.
”Well, you don't have to do it,” she announced, as if she'd just solved all of their problems. ”If something happened to Daniel, you wouldn't have to actually go through with it. No one would hold you to such a contract, no one. Certainly not your father, and Daniel would be dead.”
The room went still until Sarah clapped a horrified hand over her mouth. ”I'm sorry,” she said, turning frantic eyes to her cousin. ”I'm so sorry. Oh, my G.o.d, I'm sorry.”
”We're done,” Daniel bit off, shooting a look of near hatred at Hugh. He put his arm around Sarah and murmured something in her ear. Hugh could not hear what he said, but it did nothing to stem the flow of tears that were now pouring down her face.
”I will pack my things,” Hugh said.
No one told him not to do so.
Sarah allowed Daniel to lead her from the room, protesting only when he offered to carry her up the stairs.
”Please, no,” she said in a choked voice. ”I don't want everyone to realize how upset I am.”
Upset. What a pathetic excuse for a word. She wasn't upset, she was wrecked.
Shattered.
”Let me take you back to your room,” he said.
She nodded, then blurted, ”No! Harriet might be there. I don't want her asking questions, and you know she will.”
In the end, Daniel took her back to his own bedchamber, reasoning that it was one of the only rooms in the house in which she could be guaranteed privacy. He asked her one last time if she wanted her mother, or Honoria, or anyone, but Sarah shook her head and curled up in a ball atop his quilts. Daniel found a blanket and laid it over her, and then, once he was a.s.sured that she did indeed wish to be left alone, he exited the room and quietly closed his door behind him.
Ten minutes later Honoria arrived.
”Daniel told me you said you wanted to be alone,” Honoria said before Sarah could do more than look at her with an exhausted expression, ”but we think you're wrong.”
The very definition of family. The people who got to decide when you were wrong. Sarah supposed she was as guilty of this as anyone. Probably more so.
Honoria sat next to her on the bed and gently brushed Sarah's hair from her face. ”How can I help you?”
Sarah did not lift her head from her pillow. Nor did she turn to face her cousin. ”You can't.”
”There must be something we can do,” Honoria said. ”I refuse to believe that all is lost.”
Sarah sat up a little and looked at her in disbelief. ”Did Daniel tell you nothing?”
”He told me some,” Honoria replied, showing no reaction to Sarah's unkind tone.
”Then how can you say all is not lost? I thought I loved him. I thought he loved me. And now, I find out-” Sarah felt her face contorting with anger that Honoria did not deserve, but she could not control herself. ”Don't tell me all is not lost!”
Honoria caught her lower lip between her teeth. ”Perhaps if you talked to him.”
”I did! How do you think I ended up like this?” Sarah waved her arm in front of her as if to say- As if to say, I'm angry and I'm hurt and I don't know what to do.
As if to say, There's nothing I can do except wave my stupid arm.
As if to say, Help me because I don't know how to ask.
”I'm not entirely certain I got the whole story,” Honoria said in a careful voice. ”Daniel was very upset, and he said you were crying, and then I rushed off . . .”
”What did he tell you?” Sarah asked in a monotone.
”He explained that Lord Hugh . . .” Honoria grimaced, as if she couldn't quite believe what she was saying. ”Well, he told me how Lord Hugh was able to finally convince his father to leave Daniel alone. It's . . .” Once again, Honoria's face found at least three different expressions of incredulity before she was able to continue. ”I thought it was rather clever of him, actually, although certainly somewhat . . .”
”Mad?”
”Well, no,” Honoria said slowly. ”It would only be mad if there was no reasoning behind it, and I don't think Lord Hugh does anything without reasoning it through.”
”He said he would kill himself, Honoria. I'm sorry, I cannot- Good G.o.d, and people call me dramatic!”
Honoria bit back a tiny smile. ”It is . . . somewhat . . . ironic.”
Sarah gave her a look.
”Not that I'm saying it's funny,” Honoria said, very quickly.
”I thought I loved him,” Sarah said in a small voice.
”Thought?”
”I don't know if I still do.” Sarah turned away, letting her head fall back against the bed. It hurt to look at her cousin. Honoria was so happy, and she deserved to be happy, but Sarah would never be pure enough of heart not to hate her just a little bit. Just for this moment.
Honoria held silent for a few seconds, then quietly asked, ”Can you fall out of love so quickly?”
”I fell into it quickly.” Sarah swallowed uncomfortably. ”Maybe it was never really true. Maybe I just wanted it to be true. All these weddings and you and Marcus and Daniel and Anne and everyone looking so happy, and I just want that. Maybe that's all it was.”
”Do you really think so?”
”How could I be in love with someone who would threaten such a thing?” Sarah asked in a broken voice.