Part 19 (1/2)

SURVIVAL TIPS.

Lessons learned from the stories in this book: Do not dunk your food into lab chemicals, however zesty. Do not dunk your food into lab chemicals, however zesty.Do not walk into a lion's cage during feeding time.Do not swim in crocodile-infested waters.Do not leap aboard a wild stag.Do not lick an electrical cord that has fallen into cake batter.Do not warm your buns inside a shrink-wrap oven.Do not head-b.u.t.t a coconut to prove a point.Do not exit a fast-moving vehicle to prove that walking is faster.Do not exit a fast-moving vehicle to prove that street-skating is safe.Do not drive with a lit cigarette and a lap full of firecrackers.Do not toss dynamite through the floorboards of your car.Do not warm a can of paint in the oven.Do not warm a can of lighter fuel on the stove.Do not stick your head inside a microwave oven.Do not leap from iceberg to iceberg, even if you can.Do not do pull-ups on gigantic ski-lift wheels.Do not demolish a building's supports while standing beneath it.Do not allow yourself to be lowered into raw sewage.Do not fix electronics while sitting on a metal toilet.Do not m.u.f.fle an explosion between your thighs.Do not encourage a fish to swim up your urethra.Do not romance a bench.Do not romance a flower vase.Do not romance a metal pipe, a racc.o.o.n, or a toilet fixture.Do not surf on a foam air mattress.Do not chase a feather off a cliff.Do not steal a plane and take it on a drunken joyride.Do not attempt to stop a train by standing in front of it.Do not sleep in a path used by military vehicles.Do not attach a parachute to your body and toss it out the sunroof.Do not become mesmerized by the lyrics on your car's radio.Do not pay back a friend by blowing up his car.Do not dispose of suspicious dynamite by shooting it.Do not anchor your boat with an antique bomb.Do not fill your air mattress with flammable gas, particularly while smoking.Do not destroy a wasp's nest with gasoline and a match.Do not fiddle with electric wires while standing in a Jacuzzi.Do not fiddle with electric wires while standing in a bathtub.Do not fiddle with electric wires while standing in the rain.Do not urinate on high voltage electrical wires, or wasp nests, or both.Do not rappel from an electrical tower.Do not stick the hose of an air compressor in your a.n.u.s.Do not drill into a can of paint.Do not treat a snakebite with a Taser.Do not load a was.h.i.+ng machine with firecrackers.Do not shoot yourself, even with a soft putty bullet.Do not disguise yourself with metallic spray paint.Do not take your kite board surfing in a hurricane.Do not slide down a one-thousand-foot cliff face.Do not slide down a glacier.Do not stand directly in the path of a falling tree.Do not examine the workings of an active tennis ball machine.Do not leap into a large dust devil whirlwind.Do not regard helium balloons as a mode of transportation.Do not toss paint cans into a fire.Do not toss propane cylinders into a fire.Be wary of driving a motorized bar stool while drunk.Be wary of protecting your car with a homemade electric fence.Be wary of proving to your peers that your homemade bomb is safe.Be wary of digging a deep tunnel beneath your house.Be wary of digging a deep hole in wet sand.Be wary of leaping over a sharp, pointy fence.Be wary of wrapping yourself in plastic to lose weight.Be wary of baking liquor-flavored cakes at a high temperature.Be wary of overestimating the amount of explosives you need.Be wary of pouring liquid oxygen on a fire.Be wary of shooting soda cans from a homemade cannon.Be wary of celebrating Independence Day with a homemade cannon.Be wary of celebrating Independence Day with a washer full of firecrackers.Staging a car accident is no way to obtain prescription drugs.Staging a car accident is no way to get your insurance policy to pay up.Staging a lion attack is no way to avoid the Draft.It is not necessarily fun to seal yourself in a train station locker.And always, always look before you leak.

APPENDIX B.

STAFF BIOGRAPHIES.

Wendy Northcutt is the klutz behind the Darwin Awards. Wendy is a scientist and graduate of UC Berkeley with a degree in molecular biology. She began writing the Darwin Awards in 1993 and is the founder of is the klutz behind the Darwin Awards. Wendy is a scientist and graduate of UC Berkeley with a degree in molecular biology. She began writing the Darwin Awards in 1993 and is the founder of . She is the author of five previous Darwin Awards collections, and has also written and edited dozens of medical science essays. Wendy chases eclipses, hoop dances, reads comic books, enjoys natural dyes and silkwork, and pets cats whenever she can.

Kevin Buckley ( (kevinbuckleystudios.com) is a freelance writer/ill.u.s.trator who has worked for such companies as TimeGate Studios and Pulsar Games Inc., and was a top-ten finalist in Platinum Studio's Comic Book Challenge 2007 for his comic, The Strange and Many Eyes of Dr. LeFaux The Strange and Many Eyes of Dr. LeFaux. He has a master's degree in Ill.u.s.tration from the Academy of Art University in San Francisco, where he continues to live and work alongside his ever-faithful cat, Max.

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Ariane La Gauche is Wendy Northcutt's right-hand (or left-hand?) woman. She discovered the Darwin Awards as a UC Berkeley undergrad, when she spent long hours reading humorous stories online as a way of avoiding homework. Little did she know she would someday be working behind the scenes! Now based at Darwin Headquarters, Ariane corresponds with fans, does the odd bit of story editing, and feeds people. She has also sprinkled numerous enchanting turns of phrase like pixie dust on these pages. She is also a graduate student in literature. If you ask nicely, Ariane might translate the Darwin Awards into Latin. Really! is Wendy Northcutt's right-hand (or left-hand?) woman. She discovered the Darwin Awards as a UC Berkeley undergrad, when she spent long hours reading humorous stories online as a way of avoiding homework. Little did she know she would someday be working behind the scenes! Now based at Darwin Headquarters, Ariane corresponds with fans, does the odd bit of story editing, and feeds people. She has also sprinkled numerous enchanting turns of phrase like pixie dust on these pages. She is also a graduate student in literature. If you ask nicely, Ariane might translate the Darwin Awards into Latin. Really! /contact/ariane

Robert Adler (author of ”s.e.x on the Brain”) is a freelance science and technology writer who divides his time between Santa Rosa, California, and Oaxaca, Mexico. With a lifelong interest in science, an undergraduate degree in physics and mathematics, a PhD in psychology, and many years as a clinical and neuropsychologist, he's been lucky enough to have the opportunity to write about a surprising range of topics, from the Big Bang and black holes to multiple personalities and how to predict failed states. He's the author of hundreds of science and technology news and feature storiesplus three books, mostrecently (author of ”s.e.x on the Brain”) is a freelance science and technology writer who divides his time between Santa Rosa, California, and Oaxaca, Mexico. With a lifelong interest in science, an undergraduate degree in physics and mathematics, a PhD in psychology, and many years as a clinical and neuropsychologist, he's been lucky enough to have the opportunity to write about a surprising range of topics, from the Big Bang and black holes to multiple personalities and how to predict failed states. He's the author of hundreds of science and technology news and feature storiesplus three books, mostrecently Medical Firsts: From Hippocrates to the Human Genome Medical Firsts: From Hippocrates to the Human Genome (Wiley, 2004). He's thrilled to appear in the Darwin Awards as the still-living author of an essay, rather than-as his wife continues to predict-the honored but unfortunately deceased recipient of a Darwin Award. (Wiley, 2004). He's thrilled to appear in the Darwin Awards as the still-living author of an essay, rather than-as his wife continues to predict-the honored but unfortunately deceased recipient of a Darwin Award.

Ca.s.sandra Brooks (author of ”Batty Behavior”) grew up in the woods of New England, perpetually doing ecological experiments. She loved collecting little critters from the rivers, ponds, and tide pools, investigating under what conditions they lived or died (sorry, little water striders). She was equally fond of writing it all down in her journal and sharing with her sisters and friends. After completing a Master's in marine science, studying Antarctic toothfish-one of two species better known as ”Chilean Sea Ba.s.s” (”Don't eat it!”)-she went back to school for science writing, finally finding a way to merge science and outreach. Her essay, while outside her field of study, is a window into a topic she's long found fascinating. ”Really, don't we all?” (author of ”Batty Behavior”) grew up in the woods of New England, perpetually doing ecological experiments. She loved collecting little critters from the rivers, ponds, and tide pools, investigating under what conditions they lived or died (sorry, little water striders). She was equally fond of writing it all down in her journal and sharing with her sisters and friends. After completing a Master's in marine science, studying Antarctic toothfish-one of two species better known as ”Chilean Sea Ba.s.s” (”Don't eat it!”)-she went back to school for science writing, finally finding a way to merge science and outreach. Her essay, while outside her field of study, is a window into a topic she's long found fascinating. ”Really, don't we all?”

Alice Cas...o...b.. (author of ”Why Bother with s.e.x?”) is a 1995 graduate of the UCSC graduate program in science writing. Her mostly academic interest in the evolution of s.e.x was sparked by her 1988 BA thesis on that topic at Carleton College. After college, she spent several years exploring a variety of jobs in the life sciences-from sequencing oat DNA, to working as a veterinary a.s.sistant, to burning prairies for The Nature Conservancy. As of this spring, she is ”all but revision” on an MS in Conservation Biology from the University of Minnesota. Before going freelance, she worked for five years at the Monterey Bay Aquarium, writing about conservation for their website and researching sustainable seafood for the Seafood Watch Program. Ecology and cooking have been two of her chief interests throughout life. When she is not writing, she enjoys mushroom hunting and organic gardening. She lives in Portland, Oregon, with her beloved husband and two Maine c.o.o.n cats. (author of ”Why Bother with s.e.x?”) is a 1995 graduate of the UCSC graduate program in science writing. Her mostly academic interest in the evolution of s.e.x was sparked by her 1988 BA thesis on that topic at Carleton College. After college, she spent several years exploring a variety of jobs in the life sciences-from sequencing oat DNA, to working as a veterinary a.s.sistant, to burning prairies for The Nature Conservancy. As of this spring, she is ”all but revision” on an MS in Conservation Biology from the University of Minnesota. Before going freelance, she worked for five years at the Monterey Bay Aquarium, writing about conservation for their website and researching sustainable seafood for the Seafood Watch Program. Ecology and cooking have been two of her chief interests throughout life. When she is not writing, she enjoys mushroom hunting and organic gardening. She lives in Portland, Oregon, with her beloved husband and two Maine c.o.o.n cats.