Part 16 (1/2)

As we both came down, we stared at each other, and whatever solace I had managed to eke out vanished in an instant. I got up to get a warm washcloth, and when I came back, Poppy was watching me thoughtfully.

”Tyler.”

”Yes?” I sat on the bed and started cleaning her.

”I don't know how long I can do this.”

I froze. ”What do you mean?”

”You know what I mean,” she said, and there was a quaver in her words. ”I want to be with you. I want to claim you. I'm in love with you, Tyler, and the fact that there's no future for us is killing me.”

I finished cleaning her as I thought of a reply, tossing the used towel onto a nearby chair. ”I don't know what the future looks like,” I finally said. ”I know that I love you...but I also love my job and my life. Poppy, what I have here...it's more than just charity or prayer. It's a way of life. I get to live my entire life for my G.o.d, every minute of every day, and I don't know if I can live without that.”

We both avoided the fact that these past few minutes had hardly been lived for G.o.d, that they'd been for us and us alone.

”Don't you think I know that?” she said, sitting up. She didn't bother to cover herself with the sheet, and I forced myself to look away from those perky t.i.ts so I could focus on what she was saying. ”It's all I think about. I can't make you give this up-I can see that you love it. h.e.l.l, it's what I love about you. That you are pa.s.sionate and giving and spiritual, that you've devoted your life to G.o.d. But then I worry-” and there were real tears now ”-that you're going to give me up instead.”

”No,” I whispered. ”Don't do that to yourself.”

But I didn't tell her what she wanted to hear. I didn't know if I would give her up or not, because while it would kill me, being discovered and losing everything I'd fought for would kill me too.

I could see the moment she realized it, that I wasn't going to tell her that we would stay together, and before I could say something else-I don't know what, but something-she laid back down, turning on her side so that her back was to me.

”I want you so badly that I can taste blood when I think about it. But I won't be the reason you lose your life,” she said, her voice reverberating like a bell in my mind. ”I won't be the reason for any regret. I don't think I could bear it...looking at you and wondering if there was a part of you that hated me just a little bit for being the reason you laicized.”

She even knew the right word for it...she'd done her research. That heartened me at the same time it saddened me.

”I could never hate you.”

”Really? Even if I made you choose between me and your G.o.d?”

f.u.c.k, that was stark. ”That's not all there is, Poppy. Don't do that.”

She took a breath, the kind of breath that usually presaged a sharp retort, but then she seemed to freeze. Instead she said, ”You should go home. It's getting close to morning.”

Her tight voice killed me. I wanted to comfort her, hug her, f.u.c.k her. Why did we have to talk about these awful things when we could keep pretending? ”Poppy...”

”I'll see you later, Tyler.”

Her tone was as definitive as any safeword. I was dismissed.

I walked across the foggy park, hands in my pockets and shoulders hunched against the September-night chill, trying to pray but only finding snippets of thoughts to send up instead.

She wants a full life, I told G.o.d silently. She wanted a life with marriage and kids, a life where love could be just as present as work and family and friends, a life where she didn't have to hide. And who could blame her?

What am I supposed to do?

G.o.d didn't answer. Probably because I'd broken my sacred vow to serve Him, desecrated His church in all manner of ways, and repeatedly committed a litany of sins that I barely regretted because I was so infatuated. I'd made an idol out of Poppy Danforth, and now I would reap the consequences of finding myself isolated from G.o.d.

Repent. I have to repent.

But not seeing Poppy any more...even the mere idea tore a hole right through my chest.

I climbed up the stairs and walked to the back door of the rectory, navigating through my kitchen in the bluish light of early dawn. I still had a couple hours to sleep before I had to get up for morning Ma.s.s, and I hoped that something would be different in the morning, that the way forward would be clear, but I knew it wouldn't, and that knowledge was so very, very depressing.

”Late night?”

I nearly had a heart attack.

Millie was sitting in my living room in the half-dark, wearing a matching sweat suit.

”Millie,” I said, trying to pretend that I hadn't almost p.i.s.sed myself. ”What are you doing here?”

”I take walks every morning,” she said. ”Very early. I don't think you would have ever noticed, given that you seem to sleep in until the latest possible moment.”

”I haven't noticed, you're right.” Was she inviting me on a walk now?

She sighed. ”Father Bell, I know.”

”Pardon?”

”I know. About you and Poppy. I've seen you skulking through the park during the mornings.”

Oh s.h.i.+t.

Oh s.h.i.+t oh s.h.i.+t oh s.h.i.+t.

”Millie-”

She held up a hand. ”Don't.”

I sat heavily in a chair, despair and panic coiled together in my stomach. Someone knew, someone knew, someone knew. Of course it was always going to be like this. I was never going to have the luxury of choosing for myself how this all played out, and I was a f.u.c.king idiot for ever thinking otherwise.

I looked up with wide eyes, and what came out was not gracious or kind or selfless, but pure lizard brain survival. ”Millie, please, you can't tell anyone.” I slid to my knees in front of her. ”Please, please don't tell the bishop, I don't know how I could live with myself...”

But then I trailed off because I was doing nothing less than begging an honorable woman to abandon her honor, all for the sake of an unrepentant sinner.

”I'm so sorry,” I said instead. ”You must think I'm such a terrible, awful person...I'm so ashamed. I don't even know what to say.”

She stood. ”You can say that you'll be careful.”

I looked up at her. ”What?”

”Father, I came here to warn you, and there's a reason I did that instead of going to the bishop. This town needs you, and it definitely doesn't need another scandal about a priest.” She shook her head with a small smile. ”Especially when it's about something as innocuous as falling in love with a grown woman who would be perfect for you...if you weren't a priest.”

”Millie,” I said, and my voice was broken, desperate. ”What do I do?”

”I don't have that answer for you,” she said, walking toward the door. ”All I know is that you better make a decision soon. These things never stay hidden, Father, no matter how hard you try. And there's no way a woman like her would be willing to be your secret mistress for the rest of her years. She is worth far more than that.”

”She is,” I echoed, a cold, iron weight crus.h.i.+ng me as I realized that I was no better than Sterling. I was making her do essentially the same thing, except I wasn't even doing her the service of being upfront about it...or offering her anything in return.