Part 4 (1/2)
I let go of her hand and shut the laptop closed, standing abruptly. ”Sorry. It's none of my business.”
”You're a spiritual advisor,” she said, peering up at me. ”Isn't everything your business?”
I was too busy pus.h.i.+ng my stuff into my laptop bag to answer, desperate to leave, trying to convince myself that it was okay, it was fine, I had just comforted her, I had basically done nothing more than hold her hand, which I wouldn't think twice about doing with any other paris.h.i.+oner.
It was fine.
But when I turned around, Poppy was standing next to me with her own bag all packed up. ”Can I walk with you back to the church?” she asked. ”My house is on the same block.”
Of course it was.
”Sure,” I said, hoping I sounded normal and not like a priest trying to fight an erection in public. ”No problem.”
We stepped out into the heavy May heat, crossing the street. The silence between us felt odd, laden with whatever strange moment had just happened, and so I spoke, trying to stave off the fantasies that continued to crowd at the edge of my mind.
”How long have you lived here?”
”Not long,” she said. ”I just closed on the house two weeks ago, actually. Once the owner of the club I worked at found out I had an MBA and a lot of experience, he asked me to come on board as a marketing and financial consultant, which I could do remotely and which pays-well, it pays a lot. And then last month, when he found me...”
Her voice broke and she squinted at the sidewalk, as if examining something. I wasn't sure exactly what had upset her, but I gave her a moment to collect herself.
We walked several feet before she continued. ”So now I make good money, working for a nice guy, and I have the freedom of starting over in a sweet little town. It's what I had wanted before Sterling came to the club.”
Sterling. I recognized that name from our conversation about her past, and d.a.m.n it all if it didn't trigger a ridiculous spike of jealousy, as if there were any universe in which I'd be allowed to feel possessive of Poppy Danforth.
We reached the church.
”It was nice to run into you, Father,” she said with another one of those small smiles, making as if to keep walking.
”Which one is your house?” I was stalling. I knew I was, but I couldn't help it. I needed just one more glimpse of those red lips, one more word in that breathy voice.
”That one.” She pointed to a house across the park, a snug bungalow with a large tree in the front yard and an overgrown garden in back. I would be able to see it from the rectory. I would be able to see if her lights were on, if her car was in the driveway, if she was moving through her kitchen early in the morning making her coffee.
That didn't seem like it would be a very healthy opportunity for me to have.
”Well, if you need any help moving furniture around or anything...”
s.h.i.+t. Why did I offer that? As if being alone with her, in her house, was a great thing for me to do.
But then her face lit up and my stomach constricted at the sight. Because she was beautiful all the time, but happy? Happy, she was f.u.c.king radiant.
”That would be amazing,” she said. ”I don't know anybody here and my friends in the city are all so far away...yes, I will definitely let you know if I need help.”
”Okay,” I said, still captivated by her smile and her suddenly lively eyes. ”Any time.”
She leaned forward, pus.h.i.+ng up on her toes, and I had no idea what she was doing until I felt her soft lips press against my cheek. I froze, every detail, every sensation etching itself into my soul, imprinting itself while she imprinted my skin with her crimson lipstick.
”Thank you,” she murmured, her words and her breath near my ear, and then she bit her lip and turned away, walking towards her house.
And I went inside the rectory for another twenty-minute cold shower.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't both dreading and looking forward to Monday's confession hours with equal measure. I'd spent Ma.s.s on Sunday searching the pews for Poppy, and when I didn't see her, a brief balloon of hope and despair had risen in my mind. Maybe she was gone, maybe her brief flirtation with religion had flamed out, and maybe this un-winnable test of my self-control was over.
Maybe she was done with me, I would think, and the balloon would fill with relief.
Maybe she was done with me, I would think again, and this time the balloon held only pain.
And so when Rowan finally left the booth that Monday and someone else slipped inside, the balloon burst with a vengeance, and my pulse began to race (with trepidation or arousal, I didn't know.) ”Father Bell?” a low voice asked.
”h.e.l.lo, Poppy,” I said, trying to pretend that her voice didn't go straight to my d.i.c.k.
She let out a laugh, small and relieved, and the sound conjured up her smile from Friday, the way she'd beamed at me when I'd offered to help her settle into her house.
”I don't know what I expected. It's just-it feels too good to be true sometimes. I left Kansas City looking for a new start, some meaning in my pointless life, and then here's this unbelievably handsome priest, practically in my backyard, willing to listen to all of my problems.”
”It's my job,” I said gruffly, trying to ignore the boyish jolt of happiness that came when she called me handsome. ”I'm here for everyone.”
”Yes, I know. But right now, 'everyone' includes me and I can't tell you how grateful I am for that.”
Tell her you can't do it, my conscience demanded, thinking of the other day in my office. Help her find someone else-anyone else-to confess to.
Yes. I should do that. Because she was making it clear that she trusted me, all while I was betraying that trust over and over again in my mind. (In lots of different positions. On every surface in my house.) But just as I'd resolved to bite the proverbial bullet and tell her how it had to be, she said, ”Are you ready?” and then no other words came to mind except: ”Yes.”
Poppy Things went on like that for about a year and half. Between helping Mark with the business end of things and the dancing, I was making almost as much money as I would have at one of those offices in New York. I loved that I got to dance, loved it. Even if it wasn't ballet or jazz, it was still my body and rhythm and music. And I loved how much s.e.x there was in the job-even if no one was having s.e.x there, it still hung everywhere, this fog of desire, and I couldn't get enough of it.
But I was lonely. The men at the club kept begging to take me home, offering way more than one night stands, offering penthouses and yachts and stipends, but I refused to be a mistress. I may love s.e.x, but I also have a mind and a soul. I want to have a husband one day and kids and grandkids and the whole thing...I couldn't bear to have any subst.i.tute for it, no matter how good it might make me feel temporarily.
But the trade-off for my self-respect was a cold bed and an over-used vibrator, and it was starting to wear thin. Not to mention all the things I just talked about-the husband and the kids and all that. I began to miss my old life. Not the monotony or the hypocrisy, but the guarantee at least. If I had stayed, I would've never been alone. I would have been married by now, possibly pregnant. And what if I'd made the wrong decision? What if I'd ruined my chances at a happy life, because let's face it, what man is going to marry a stripper-no matter where she came from or who she is?
And that was when Sterling came to the club.
Sterling Haverford III. Yes, I know it's a ridiculous name, but where we came from, it was par for the course (especially if your estate had its own golf course.) I was doodling Mrs. Sterling Haverford in my flimsily locked diaries ever since I could remember. He was my first kiss, my first cigarette, my first o.r.g.a.s.m. Of course, I know now that I wasn't his first anything, and that even while he was dating me, he was f.u.c.king other girls. But at the time, I was convinced we were getting married. That he loved me.
I was convinced of it right up until my parents got the invitation to his wedding. To Penelope f.u.c.king Middleton.
We'd been off and on, for sure, but I thought it was the distance and how dedicated I was to school and charity, and f.u.c.k, I'm crying now, I'm so sorry. I'm not even sad about it, I'm just p.i.s.sed still, that I'd given so much time to this a.s.shole, and then when I was feeling so low about everything, he had the nerve to show up at the club.
I a.s.sumed he was in town for a business meeting and that maybe a potential client had brought him to the club for a little extra wooing-not an uncommon scenario where I worked, especially when it came to the private rooms in the back. And of all the girls that could have been working that particular room that night, it was me.
It was f.u.c.king me.
I had on six-inch heels and a bright blue wig and he still knew me the moment I entered, just as I'd known from one glimpse of his profile that it was him.
”Jesus Christ,” he said, his words carrying like a poisonous melody over the throbbing music. ”Is it really you?”
I stood in the door, having no idea what the f.u.c.k to do. I knew I could go find Mark, explain to him that I knew the client and couldn't dance for him-Mark would understand. But even three years after he'd dumped me via wedding invitation to another girl, I still couldn't force myself to walk away. Or stop listening when he started talking.
He said he couldn't believe it-everyone had thought I'd absconded off to Europe or someplace exotic and all the while, I had been here. He gestured to me, to indicate the skimpy outfit I wore, to indicate all the things that came along with here, the dancing and the alleged disgrace, but I saw the moment he was done making his point, the moment his pupils dilated and he took in my nearly naked body.
He'd married f.u.c.king Penelope but he was here and he was here for me, and f.u.c.k it all, I wanted that. That moment where he chose me over her. No matter how wrong it was.