Part 80 (2/2)
As soon as dinner was over Rosa went off to Soho, and then Glory was brought back with a shock to the agony of her inward struggle. She knew that her hour had arrived, and that on her action now everything depended. She knew that she could never break the chains by which the world and her profession held her. She knew that the other woman had come, that she must go with her, and go for good. But the renunciation of love was terrible. The day had been soft and beautiful. It was falling asleep and yawning now, with a drowsy breeze that shook the yellow leaves as they hung withered and closed on the thinning boughs like the fingers of an old maid's hand. She was sitting at the desk by the window, trying to write a letter. More than once she tore up the sheet, dried her eyes, and began again. What she wrote last was this:
”It is impossible, dear John. I can not go with you to the South Seas.
I have struggled, but I can not, I can not! It is the greatest, n.o.blest, sublimest mission in the world, but I am not the woman for these high tasks. I should be only a fruitless fig tree, a sham, a hypocrite. It would be like taking a dead body with you to take me, for my heart would not be there. You would find that out, dear, and I should be ashamed.
”And then I can not leave this life--I can not give up London. I am like a child--I like the bustling streets, the brilliant thoroughfares, the crowds, the bands of music, the lights at night, and the sense of life. I like to succeed, too, and to be admired, and--yes, to hear the clapping of hands in a theatre. You are above all this, and can look down at it as dross, and I like you for that also. But give it all up I can't; I haven't the strength; it is in my blood, dear, and if I part from it I must die.
”And then I like to be fondled and coaxed and kissed, and I want so much--oh, so much to be loved! I want somebody to tell me every day and always how much he loves me, and to praise me and pet me and forget everything else for me, everything, everything, even his own soul and salvation! You can not do that; it would be sinful, and besides it wouldn't be love as you understand it, and as it ought to be, if you are to go out to that solemn and awful task.
”When I said I loved you I spoke the truth, dear, and yet I didn't know what the word meant really, I didn't realize everything. I love you still--with all my heart and soul I love you; but now I know that there is a difference between us, that we can never come together. No, I can not reach up to your austere heights. I am so weak; you are so strong.
Your 'strength is as the strength of ten because your heart is pure,'
while I----
”I am unworthy of your thoughts, John. Leave me to the life I have chosen. It may be poor and vain and worthless, but it is the only life I'm fit for. And yet I love you--and you loved me. I suppose G.o.d makes men and women like that sometimes, and it is no use struggling.
”One kiss, dear--it is the last.”
XVIII.
John Storm went back to Victoria Square with a bright and joyful face and found Mrs. Callender waiting for him, grim as a judge. He could see that her eyes were large and red with weeping, but she fell on him instantly with withering scorn.
”So you're here at last, are ye? A pretty senseless thing this is, to be sure! What are you dreaming about? Are you bewitched or what? Do you suppose things can be broken off in this way? You to go to the leper islands indeed!”
”I'm called, auntie, and when G.o.d calls a man, what can he do but answer with Samuel----”
”Tut! Don't talk sic nonsense. Besides, Samuel had some sense. He waited to be called three times, and I havena heard this is your third time of calling.”
John Storm laughed, and that provoked her to towering indignation. ”Good G.o.d, what are you thinking of, man? There's that puir la.s.sie--you're running away from her, too, aren't you? It's shameful, it's disgraceful, it's unprincipled, and _you_ to do it too!”
”You needn't trouble about that, auntie,” said John; ”she is going with me.”
”What?” cried Mrs. Callender, and her face expressed boundless astonishment.
”Yes,” said John, ”you women are brimful of courage, G.o.d bless you! and she's the bravest of you all.”
”But you'll no have the a.s.surance to tak' that puir bit la.s.sie to yonder G.o.d-forsaken spot?”
”She wants to go--at least she wants to leave London.”
”What does she? Weel, weel! But didn't I say she was nought but one of your Sisters or sic-like?--And you're going to let a slip of a girl tak'
you away frae your ain work and your ain duty--and you call yourself a man!”
He began to coax and appease her, and before long the grim old face was struggling between smiles and tears.
”Tut! get along wi' ye! I've a great mind, though--I'd be liking fine to see her anyway. Now, where does she bide in London?”
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