Part 22 (1/2)
We made our sticky, sweaty way across the room to the immense bathroom and he turned on the water, but then sat on the edge of the separate Jacuzzi tub while waiting for it to get hot.
Now that the ecstasy of s.e.x was ebbing away somewhat, I tried to wrap my head around the questions Ferrara's video had raised. I sat on the edge of the tub next to him.
”You look like you're about to ask a big question,” James said.
”Yeah, I think I am.” I waved at the shower. ”Let's get clean first while I get my head together.”
”All right.”
He was somber, or perhaps merely subdued from being exhausted, as we washed. He helped me rinse my hair, his long fingers sluicing away the water and lifting it in the spray, and he gently soaped between my legs, kissing my belly reverently when he was done. I scrubbed his back and lathered his b.a.l.l.s, remembering my earlier conclusions, that James was fundamentally afraid of the act of intercourse. He certainly hadn't felt afraid in bed just now, and he hadn't looked afraid in that video, but...
We got out and toweled dry. He ordered a pot of coffee from room service, put on an unders.h.i.+rt and yoga pants, and then belted a bathrobe over that. I put my robe back on and we settled on the couch together.
”You seem troubled, Karina. You've never taken this long to come up with a question.”
”I know. This one might be a doozy, though, so I'm psyching myself up for it.”
”Take all the time you need. May I make a guess, though?”
”Sure.” I turned sideways on the couch so I could look at his face.
He pulled one of my feet into his lap and began ma.s.saging my foot. ”My guess is that this has something to do with Ferrara.”
”Good guess. What makes you think that?”
”It's a fact: Ferrara will want to drive a wedge between us any way she can.” His hands were warm and strong. ”She's not blind. I'm sure she saw the rapport between us at the audition. So tell me. What did she say to you?”
I sighed. ”It started backstage at the audition. She said all kinds of stupid things to bait me. I managed to block it out. But”-I looked at him, the picture of ease, a demeanor I had almost never seen on him before, except after s.e.x the last few times. He no longer looked like a man who was holding everything in. ”She showed me a video.”
”A video?” He frowned. ”Of my early work?”
I took deep breaths, trying to stay calm and rational. ”You're much younger in the video. You're... It's...” How could I say it? ”In what she showed me, you're-I mean, it's definitely you, not a fake-”
”Karina, what does the video show?”
”Um. It looks like you're raping a girl in it.”
A glimmer of suspicion came into his eye. ”A video, you say?”
I nodded, took another breath, and let it all spill. ”She said you used to do it all the time, to groupies. You'd wait until they didn't want it, and then force yourself on them, and... and... and...”
”Breathe, Karina.”
I gulped. ”And she said she taped it so she could confront you about your behavior instead of going to the police.”
He had stopped ma.s.saging my foot, but kept his hands still and warm on my ankles. ”Was that the whole story?”
”Pretty much. She only showed me one video, but she made it sound like there are more of them.”
He nodded. ”Let me ask you one question. Does me forcing myself on girls seem likely?”
”Well, no. And I told myself she's a nonstop liar. Still, it was pretty upsetting to see. I told myself there's surely an explanation. But if there is, that means there's something more you haven't told me.”
He nodded. ”Remember when I told you my past with Ferrara was sordid?”
”Yes, but you said you never slept with her.”
”I didn't.” He stretched tiredly. ”May I tell you the other thing I've been holding back before I tell you the untold secrets about Ferrara?”
”Of course.”
He s.h.i.+fted until he was cross-legged, facing me on the couch, my feet still in his lap. ”I haven't told you yet the thing I fear.”
I swallowed and said nothing, not wanting to derail him.
”You told me two things, you said, a silly fear and a serious one. I can't tell if mine is silly or serious. I think whether it is or not depends on you.” He ran a hand through his hair. It was growing out longer again now, and his fingers made damp furrows. ”I fear you're in love with Dom James, not Real James.”
”Ah.” I sat up and pulled his hands toward me. ”I can see why that might be tricky. However, I have a strong feeling that Dom James is a big part of Real James. That's just part of who you are. It's part of how your s.e.x drive works and it's part of how you love.”
He gave a small nod.
”Remember, I've also met Performance Artist James-and Neurotic Artist James, too, come to think of it. Not to mention Boss Whose Staff Loves Him James, and Dancer James. In fact, Dom James is the James who's the most p.r.o.ne to fits of pique, petulance, and emotional turmoil.” I crawled forward and kissed him on the cheek. ”And yet, I love him anyway. I love all the Jameses I've met so far.”
”You haven't met Rock Star James yet,” he pointed out.
”I don't think Rock Star James exists. Maybe he used to, or maybe he only exists on the stage. I think that's why you're leaving him behind. There's no place for him in your life.” I sat back while he let that sink in.
”I think you're right about that,” he said. ”Rock Star James is a creation of Ferrara's. He's who she wants. He'll f.u.c.k anything that moves, for one thing, and he's moldable, trainable; he'll do whatever she says.”
I nodded. ”So where does the video come into it?”
”I'm getting there. The reason I ask about how much you care about my dom persona is... well, some women-some people-can get that bubble burst very easily.”
”You told me that. Women who had a perfect fantasy dom, or master, or king in their minds, who couldn't handle it when you were a real person. You know I'm not like that.”
”I know. It's one of the reasons I've fallen so hard for you, Karina.” He kissed my hand. ”But there is still a thing, sometimes, where submissives especially lose all respect for a dom if they find out he ever bottomed or subbed.”
”Did you forget you and I switched in Ohio?”
”I didn't forget. I'm saying it's still my instinct to be careful when telling you about my past. Because there are who those who can't handle the idea of their top bottoming.”
”Hey, but I thought it was kind of normal for tops to get trained by starting at the bottom, isn't it?”
”It is, in some circles, not others. You know, people still get ideas in their heads, and when a relations.h.i.+p is based on ideas, on fantasies, well-”
”James. I'll say it as many times as I need to. It's the real you, not the fantasy, that I want.”