Part 12 (2/2)
”Karina, I don't think it's possible for me to train your emotions. I can train your body, your physical responses, with pain and pleasure, but I can't control how you feel about what I do, or about me.”
”Good to know.”
”Many doms' hearts are broken when they learn the hard way they can't make their subs fall in love. Spankings and bondage don't make a person fall in love any more than candlelight and roses do.”
”Good point.”
”Trust, on the other hand? Spanking and bondage definitely increase those feelings. That's not training exactly. That's something we built up gradually over time by pus.h.i.+ng the envelope, by taking risks and having adventures together.”
”I guess we built it up strong enough that a few big blows didn't knock it all the way down-only partway.”
He nodded. ”I want more than anything to regain your trust.”
”How do you plan to do that?”
”By keeping my promises. By telling you everything you want to know. By doing exactly what we did before, only not as a game.”
”What do you mean what we did before?”
”As I said, by pus.h.i.+ng the envelope. You enjoy being challenged, and every time you met a challenge, your trust in me grew. So did your confidence in yourself. In fact, you grew so confident you walked into that lion's den with Damon George without hesitation.”
He was right. I no longer had fear of being desired, by him or any other man. I wondered if thinking about me and Damon was making him jealous and h.o.r.n.y now. It seemed likely, even if he said nothing.
And so what if he was contemplating taking me right now in the car? So what? If he wanted s.e.x, I realized, I had no reason to fear that, no reason to fight it. The reflex to automatically resist must have been something left over from the c.r.a.ppy relations.h.i.+ps in my past. I had no wish to resist James's desire.
It made me wonder, though, what would happen if I did.
”I can always say no, right?” I asked aloud.
”Hmm? Of course. That hasn't changed. Your right to refuse is the bedrock on which everything is founded. I will never force you.”
”But everything's not a simple yes-or-no situation, is it?”
”Power dynamics can be complex. A safe word, even one as simple as 'no,' always bears with it the possibility of creating a rift. It's your responsibility to tell me what I can't know or might have missed, which is that you need to or truly want to stop, and it's my responsibility to never push you to the point that our trust breaks.” He nuzzled my hair. ”That night when you asked for my name, you took that risk because you knew you couldn't keep trusting me without it. It was my mistake thinking that you broke our trust when in truth you were cementing it.”
”I guess when you put it that way, I'm not sorry I did it. But I really will just try to talk to you from now on.”
”And from now on we'll have the basis to do so, if you'll be a real part of my life, and I'll be a real part of yours.”
”You really think it's a good idea for me to dance with you?”
”I do.” He nuzzled me. ”You know, I got my first hint that I was wrong the night of the party when Stefan gave me an earful.”
”Did he? When he went back to pick you up?”
”He waited two days. I'm not sure if he was waiting for me to calm down or if that was the point at which he couldn't stand it any longer. He wagered his position on it.”
I lifted my head, glancing at the gla.s.s that separated Stefan from us. ”What do you mean by that?”
”I mean, he said 'I'm about to tell you something you don't want to hear, but I feel so strongly about it I'm going to say it even if it gets me fired.' Well, that got my attention, I a.s.sure you. And after he told me, and we argued, he took it one step further and said he would bet on it. If I was right, I should fire him.”
”But he was right. So what did he win? Besides keeping his job. That's hardly a fair wager then.”
”True. I bought his mother a new house.”
”Oh?”
”Yes. In France.”
”That seems... like a lot.”
”Sometimes one resorts to giving gifts to express how much one cares,” he murmured softly.
”Mmm-hmm.” I settled against him again. ”So the whole thing with Damon was you trying to prove yourself right.”
”To my shame, yes. You saw far more clearly than I did what was important to me, and maintained more faith in me than I deserved. I am still trying to live up to that.” He stroked my hair. ”Still trying to believe that I am so blessed. There will always be doubts haunting the back of my mind. But I try to use them as perspective, rather than letting them cloud my vision entirely.”
”Doubts? About our ability to get along? To understand each other?”
”No, those doubts are being quelled day after day. I do... have doubts about your ability to actually withstand the full force of my desire.”
I sat back, my hands on his chest. ”You're kidding, right? After how hard you f.u.c.ked me at that party? Or what about the time you f.u.c.ked me with a string of pearls so hard they broke?”
His gaze locked with mine. ”I'm not talking about how many pounds per square inch of force my c.o.c.k exerts. This isn't only on you. I have doubts about my ability to hold back.”
”You didn't feel like you were holding back either of those times.”
He said nothing for a few seconds. Then, ”That sculpture of mine you saw in England. You saw what it represents. You saw the s.p.a.ce in it for you.”
I could picture the huge gla.s.s creation in my mind's eye, s.h.i.+ny and red and jagged. ”I told you. I thought it was a representation of male desire, your desire, like an unstoppable wave, a force of nature. James, seriously, if you need to f.u.c.k me very, very hard, I'm willing.”
His eyes softened. ”I don't doubt your willingness. My doubts are about the possibility that someday I could break you. Someday I may shatter the bond of trust between us when I go too far.”
”You just said you wanted to push the envelope so that we could rebuild our trust, though.”
”I know. That's the catch-22. So I'm going to push... but I'm going to try not to push too far, too fast. There's always the possibility, though, of me getting it wrong. That sculpture, look at it again. It's also the virgin sacrifice being taken into the mouth of the dragon.”
”I'm not afraid of dragons,” I said.
He smiled wanly. ”I know you're not. You don't need Perseus coming to your rescue. You will ride the serpent all on your own.”
As he said that I slipped my hand into his lap, where the erection I expected to find was indeed tenting his slacks.
”Karina,” he said, seriously, ”the serpent isn't just my c.o.c.k. It's my sadism. It's my need to see you submit to me, my need to see you screaming in pleasure and pain at my hand.”
I nodded. ”Tell me something I don't know, mister.”
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