Part 19 (1/2)

”Not even indigo-colored ones which are sort of stretched and keep flas.h.i.+ng on and off?”

”Very unlikely.”

”Thank goodness for that.” He swayed back and forth. ”Excuse me, I think I'm about to throw up my breakfast.”

”It's the middle of the evening!”

”Is it? In that case, I think I'm about to throw up my dinner.”

He folded up gently in the snow behind the tree.

”He's a long streak of widdle, isn't he?” said a voice from a branch. It was the raven. ”Got a neck with a knee in it.”

The oh G.o.d reappeared after a noisy interlude.

”I know know I must eat,” he mumbled. ”It's just that the only time I remember seeing my food it's always going the other way...” I must eat,” he mumbled. ”It's just that the only time I remember seeing my food it's always going the other way...”

”What were you doing in there?” said Susan.

”Ouch! Search me,” said the oh G.o.d. ”It's only a mercy I wasn't holding a traffic sign and wearing a-” he winced and paused ”-having some kind of women's underwear about my person.” He sighed. ”Someone somewhere has a lot of fun,” he said wistfully. ”I wish it was me.”

”Get a drink inside you, that's my advice,” said the raven. ”Have a hair of the dog that bit someone else.”

”But why there there?” Susan insisted.

The oh G.o.d stopped trying to glare at the raven. ”I don't know, where was there there exactly?” exactly?”

Susan looked back at where the castle had been. It was entirely gone.

”There was a very important building there a moment ago,” she said.

The oh G.o.d nodded carefully.

”I often see things that weren't there a moment ago,” he said. ”And they often aren't there a moment later. Which is a blessing in most cases, let me tell you. So I don't usually take a lot of notice.”

He folded up and landed in the snow again.

There's just snow now, Susan thought. Nothing but snow and the wind. There's not even a ruin.

The certainty stole over her again that the Hogfather's castle wasn't simply simply not there any more. No...it had never been there. There was no ruin, no trace. not there any more. No...it had never been there. There was no ruin, no trace.

It had been an odd enough place. It was where the Hogfather lived, according to the legends. Which was odd, when you thought about it. It didn't didn't look like the kind of place a cheery old toy maker would live in. look like the kind of place a cheery old toy maker would live in.

The wind soughed in the trees behind them. Snow slid off branches. Somewhere in the dark there was a flurry of hooves.

A spidery little figure leapt off a snowdrift and landed on the oh G.o.d's head. It turned a beady eye up toward Susan.

”All right by you, is it?” said the imp, producing its huge hammer. ”Some of us have a job to do, you know, even if we are of a metaphorical, nay, folkloric persuasion.”

”Oh, go away away.”

”If you think I'm I'm bad, wait until you see the little pink elephants,” said the imp. bad, wait until you see the little pink elephants,” said the imp.

”I don't believe you.”

”They come out of his ears and fly around his head making tweeting noises.”

”Ah,” said the raven, sagely. ”That sounds more like robins. I wouldn't put anything past them them.”

The oh G.o.d grunted.

Susan suddenly felt that she didn't want to leave him. He was human. Well, human shaped. Well, at least he had two arms and legs. He'd freeze to death here. Of course, G.o.ds, or even oh G.o.ds, probably couldn't, but humans didn't think like that. You couldn't just leave leave someone. She prided herself on this bit of normal thinking. someone. She prided herself on this bit of normal thinking.

Besides, he might have some answers, if she could make him stay awake enough to understand the questions.

From the edge of the frozen forest, animal eyes watched them go.

Mr. Crumley sat on the damp stairs and sobbed. He couldn't get any nearer to the toy department. Every time he tried he got lifted off his feet by the mob and dumped at the edge of the crowd by the current of people.

Someone said, ”Top of the evenin', squire,” and he looked up blearily at the small yet irregularly formed figure that had addressed him thusly.

”Are you one of the pixies?” he said, after mentally exhausting all the other possibilities.

”No, sir. I am not in fact a pixie, sir, I am in fact Corporal n.o.bbs of the Watch. And this is Constable Visit, sir.” The creature looked at a piece of paper in its paw. ”You Mr. Crummy?”

”Crumley!”

”Yeah, right. You sent a runner to the Watch House and we have hereby responded with commendable speed, sir,” said Corporal n.o.bbs. ”Despite it being Hogswatchnight and there being a lot of strange things happening and most importantly it being the occasion of our Hogswatchly p.i.s.s-up, sir. But this is all right because Washpot, that's Constable Visit here, he doesn't drink, sir, it being against his religion, and although I do do drink, sir, I volunteered to come because it is my civic duty, sir.” n.o.bby tore off a salute, or what he liked to believe was a salute. He did drink, sir, I volunteered to come because it is my civic duty, sir.” n.o.bby tore off a salute, or what he liked to believe was a salute. He did not not add, ”And turning out for a rich b.u.g.g.e.r such as your good self is bound to put the officer concerned in the way of a seasonal bottle or two or some other tangible evidence of grat.i.tude,” because his entire stance said it for him. Even n.o.bby's ears could look suggestive. add, ”And turning out for a rich b.u.g.g.e.r such as your good self is bound to put the officer concerned in the way of a seasonal bottle or two or some other tangible evidence of grat.i.tude,” because his entire stance said it for him. Even n.o.bby's ears could look suggestive.

Unfortunately, Mr. Crumley wasn't in the right receptive frame of mind. He stood up and waved a shaking finger toward the top of the stairs.

”I want you to go up there,” he said, ”and arrest him!”

”Arrest who, sir?” said Corporal n.o.bbs.

”The Hogfather!”

”What for, sir?”

”Because he's sitting up there as bold as bra.s.s in his Grotto, giving away presents!”

Corporal n.o.bbs thought about this.

”You haven't been having a festive drink, have you, sir?” he said hopefully.

”I do not drink!”