Part 16 (1/2)
”Amazin',” said Ridcully. He knocked the ashes out of his pipe on Hex's ”Anthill Inside” sticker, causing Ponder to wince. ”This thing's a kind of big artificial brain, then?”
”You could could think of it like that,” said Ponder, carefully. ”Of course, Hex doesn't actually think. Not as such. It just think of it like that,” said Ponder, carefully. ”Of course, Hex doesn't actually think. Not as such. It just appears appears to be thinking.” to be thinking.”
”Ah. Like the Dean,” said Ridcully. ”Any chance of fitting a brain like this into the Dean's head?”
”It does weigh ten tons, Archchancellor.”
”Ah. Really? Oh. Quite a large crowbar would be in order, then.” He paused, and then reached into his pocket. ”I knew I'd come here for something,” he added. ”This here chappie is the Verruca Gnome-”
”h.e.l.lo,” said the Verruca Gnome shyly.
”-who seems to have popped into existence to be with us here tonight. And, you know, I thought: this is a bit odd. Of course, there's always something a bit bit unreal about Hogswatchnight,” said Ridcully. ”Last night of the year and so on. The Hogfather whizzin' around and so forth. Time of the darkest shadows and so on. All the old year's occult rubbish pilin' up. Anythin' could happen. I just thought you fellows might check up on this. Probably nothing to worry about.” unreal about Hogswatchnight,” said Ridcully. ”Last night of the year and so on. The Hogfather whizzin' around and so forth. Time of the darkest shadows and so on. All the old year's occult rubbish pilin' up. Anythin' could happen. I just thought you fellows might check up on this. Probably nothing to worry about.”
”A Verruca Verruca Gnome?” said Ponder. Gnome?” said Ponder.
The gnome clutched his sack protectively.
”Makes about as much sense as a lot of things, I suppose,” said Ridcully. ”After all, there's a Tooth Fairy, ain' there? You might as well wonder why we have a G.o.d of Wine and not a G.o.d of Hangovers-”
He stopped.
”Anyone else hear that noise just then?” he said.
”Sorry, Archchancellor?”
”Sort of glingleglingleglingle glingleglingleglingle? Like little tinkly bells?”
”Didn't hear anything like that, sir.”
”Oh.” Ridcully shrugged. ”Anyway...what was I saying...yes...no one's ever heard heard of a Verruca Gnome until tonight.” of a Verruca Gnome until tonight.”
”That's right,” said the gnome. ”Even I've I've never heard of me until tonight, and I'm never heard of me until tonight, and I'm me me.”
”We'll see what we can find out, Archchancellor,” said Ponder diplomatically.
”Good man.” Ridcully put the gnome back in his pocket and looked up at Hex.
”Amazin',” he said again. ”He just looks looks as though he's thinking, right?” as though he's thinking, right?”
”Er...yes.”
”But he's not actually thinking?”
”Er...no.”
”So...he just gives the impression impression of thinking but really it's just a show?” of thinking but really it's just a show?”
”Er...yes.”
”Just like everyone else, then, really,” said Ridcully.
The boy gave the Hogfather an appraising stare as he sat down on the official knee.
”Let's be absolutely clear. I know you're just someone dressed up,” he said. ”The Hogfather is a biological and temporal impossibility. I hope we understand one another.”
AH. SO I I DON'T EXIST DON'T EXIST?
”Correct. This is just a bit of seasonal frippery and, I may say, rampantly commercial. My mother's already bought my presents. I instructed her as to the right ones, of course. She often gets things wrong.”
The Hogfather glanced briefly at the smiling, worried image of maternal ineffectiveness hovering nearby.
HOW OLD ARE YOU, BOY?.
The child rolled his eyes. ”You're not supposed to say that,” he said. ”I have have done this before, you know. You have to start by asking me my name.” done this before, you know. You have to start by asking me my name.”
AARON F FIDGET, ”THE P PINES,” EDGEWAY R ROAD, ANKH-MORPORK.
”I expect someone told you,” said Aaron. ”I expect these people dressed up as pixies get the information from the mothers.”
AND YOU ARE EIGHT, GOING ON...OH, ABOUT FORTY-FIVE, said the Hogfather.
”There's forms to fill in when they pay, I expect,” said Aaron.
AND YOU WANT W WALNUT'S I INOFFENSIVE R REPTILES OF THE S STO P PLAINS, A DISPLAY CABINET, A COLLECTOR'S ALb.u.m, A KILLING JAR AND A LIZARD PRESS. WHAT IS A LIZARD PRESS?
”You can't glue them in when they're still fat, or didn't you know that? I expect she told you about them when I was momentarily distracted by the display of pencils. Look, shall we end this charade? Just give me my orange and we'll say no more about it.”
I CAN GIVE FAR MORE THAN ORANGES CAN GIVE FAR MORE THAN ORANGES.
”Yes, yes, I saw all that. Probably done in collusion with accomplices to attract gullible customers. Oh dear, you've even got a false beard. By the way, old chap, did you know that your pig-”
YES.
”All done by mirrors and string and pipes, I expect. It all looked very artificial to me me.”
The Hogfather snapped his fingers.
”That's probably a signal, I expect,” said the boy, getting down. ”Thank you very much.”
HAPPY H HOGSWATCH, said the Hogfather as the boy walked away.
Uncle Heavy patted him on the shoulder.
”Well done, master,” he said. ”Very patient. I'd have given him a clonk athwart the ear hole, myself.”
OH, I'M SURE HE'LL SEE THE ERROR OF HIS WAYS. The red hood turned so that only Albert could see into its depths. RIGHT AROUND THE TIME HE OPENS THOSE BOXES HIS MOTHER WAS CARRYING...