Part 56 (1/2)

A woman suffrage lecturer brought down the house with the following argument: ”I have no vote, but my groom has, but I am sure if I were to go to him and say, 'John, will you exercise the franchise?' he would reply, 'Please, mum, which horse be that?'”

”Maude was afraid the girls wouldn't notice her engagement ring.” ”Did they?” ”_Did_ they? Six of them recognized it at once.”

Mr. George Broadhurst, author of the play, ”The Man of the Hour,” is an Englishman, and recently made a visit to his native country. After having lived a week at one of the large hotels in London, he was surprised on the evening of his departure, although at a very late hour, to see an endless procession of waiters, maids, porters, and pages come forward with the expectant smile and empty hand. When each and all had been well bestowed, even boots and under-boots and then another boots, he dashed for the four-wheeler that was to carry him safely away.

Settling himself with a sigh of relief, he was about to be off when a page popped his head into the window and breathlessly exclaimed:

”I beg pardon, sir, but the night-lift man says he's waiting for a message from you, sir.”

”A message from me?”

”Yes, sir; he says he cawn't go to sleep without a message from you, sir.”

”Really, he can't go to sleep without a message from me?”

”No, sir.”

”How touching. Then tell him, 'Pleasant dreams.'”

Representative Tawney, of Minnesota, chairman of the House Committee on Appropriations, sent out some of his quota of garden seeds to his const.i.tuents not long ago. One man in Winona wrote to Tawney: ”Dear Jim: I received your seeds, but I don't care much for them. If you really want to do something for me, please send me up a suit of union underwear.”

In his younger days Thomas Bailey Aldrich was not a little of a dandy.

This foible led an unusually energetic Boston bluestocking to refer to him in a caustic style on one occasion as ”effeminate.”

When a friend told the poet of her remark he smiled grimly.

”So I am,” he a.s.sented, ”compared with her.”

Tennyson's customary manner toward women was one of grave and stately courtesy. One evening at Aldworth, Sir Edward Hamley, the soldier and expert writer on the art of war, who had been visiting through the day, rose to take leave. Tennyson pressed him to stay over night, adding: ”There are three ladies who wish it,” meaning Mrs. Tennyson and the two guests who were in the house.

”There are three other ladies who oppose it,” Sir Edward answered.

”Who are they?” Tennyson asked.

”The Fates,” Sir Edward replied.

”The Fates may be on one side,” Tennyson rejoined, ”but the Graces are on the other.”

Douglas Jerrold's genius for repartee is perhaps best shown in his most famous reply to Albert Smith, whom he disliked and frequently abused. Smith grew tired of being made the b.u.t.t of the other's wit, and one day plaintively remarked: ”After all, Jerrold, we row in the same boat.” ”Yes,” came the answer, ”but not with the same skulls.”