Part 53 (1/2)

”If you don't like it, ma'am, I'll bring you something else,”

suggested the polite negro.

”Oh, it's very nice,” responded the lady. ”What I object to is that it should be called ice-cream pudding. It's wrongly named. There should be ice cream served with it.”

”Yes, ma'am,” replied the waiter, ”but that's jest our name for it.

Lots o' dishes that way. Dey don't bring you a cottage with cottage pudding, you know.”

During a certain cruise the first mate of a s.h.i.+p got to drinking to excess and was intoxicated for several days. One day, after having come out of this state, he examined the log book to see what had pa.s.sed during his period of semi-forgetfulness. He was horrified to find entered in the book for the three days consecutively, ”The first mate is drunk to-day.” He did not want this to stand as it would hardly be a good recommendation for him to the s.h.i.+p owners and asked the captain to remove the entries.

The captain replied, ”It is the truth, is it not?” ”Yes, but--”

replied the mate. The captain interrupted him, ”If it is the truth, the truth must stand. It is written in ink and can not be removed without injuring the book.”

A short time afterward the captain was taken ill and remained so for a week, and it devolved upon the mate to keep the log book. The captain on recovering from his illness got the book to examine it to see how the mate had done his duty. Imagine his consternation when he read in each of the seven days' entries, ”The captain is sober to-day.”

The captain immediately called the mate and indignantly questioned him in regard to these entries. The mate replied, ”It is the truth, is it not?” ”Yes, but--” replied the captain. The mate interrupted him, ”If it is the truth, the truth must stand, must it not? I have your word that the writing in ink can not be erased.”

”It was the first week of his honeymoon,” said the hotel barber, ”and he came in and sat down near the door to wait his turn. I yelled 'Next' at him two or three times when my chair was vacant, but he was dreaming and didn't hear me. Finally I touched him on the shoulder and told him I was ready for him.

”'What do you want me to do?' he asked.

”'Why, get in the chair if you want anything,' I replied. 'This is a barber shop.'

”'Oh, yes,' he said, and then he got into the chair. He leaned back, so I let the chair down and shaved him. He didn't have a word to say.

When I finished him up he got out of the chair and took the check over to the cas.h.i.+er. He paid and started out. When halfway through the door he stopped.

”'Say,' he said to me, 'what did you do to me?'

”'I shaved you,' I said.

”'Darn the luck,' he replied, 'I wanted a haircut.'”

The little daughter of a homeopathic physician received a ring with a pearl in it on the Christmas tree. Two days later she poked her head tearfully in at the door of her father's office.

”Papa,” she sobbed, ”Papa, I've lost the little pill out of my ring.”

He was from Pittsburg, Pa., and was stopping at the Manhattan Hotel.

He wanted to telephone to a town about thirty miles away. He asked the girl on the switchboard to get him long-distance, and followed it up with asking the price.