Part 42 (1/2)

”I'm the ace-high c.o.c.kalorum of this outfit.”

And the wife, without fear or favor, corroborated the statement. Then the young man said:

”Take your choice of the horses. Either one you fancy is yours.” And after the man had walked around the team several times and looked in their mouths, he said, ”Well, I'll take the bay.”

Now, the wife didn't like bay horses, and she called John aside, and after whispering in his ear she allowed him to return.

”I guess I'll take the black horse,” he said.

”Not a bit of it,” said the pilgrim. ”You'll take a chicken.”

They were talking over the engagement of one of the daughters of the family when the negro servant came in. One of the girls asked: ”Cindy, have you seen Edith's fiance?” ”No'm, honey, hit ain't been in de wash yit.”

In the late financial stringency a clerk in one of the New York banks was trying to explain to a stolid old Dutchman why the bank could not pay cash to depositors as formerly, and was insisting that he be satisfied with Clearing House checks. But the old man could not grasp the situation, and finally the president of the bank was called upon to enlighten the dissatisfied customer. After a detailed explanation of the financial situation the president concluded, ”Now, my good man, you understand, don't you?”

”Yes,” dubiously replied the Dutchman, ”I tinks I understand. It's just like this; ven my baby vakes up in der night und cries for milk, I give her a milk ticket.”

Levinsky, despairing of his life, made an appointment with a famous specialist. He was surprised to find fifteen or twenty people in the waiting-room.

After a few minutes he leaned over to a gentleman near him and whispered, ”Say, mine frient, this must be a pretty goot doctor, ain't he?”

”One of the best,” the gentleman told him.

Levinsky seemed to be worrying over something.

”Vell, say,” he whispered again, ”he must be pretty exbensive, then, ain't he? Vat does he charge?”

The stranger was annoyed by Levinsky's questions and answered rather shortly: ”Fifty dollars for the first consultation and twenty-five dollars for each visit thereafter.”

”Mine Gott!” gasped Levinsky. ”Fifty tollars the first time und twenty-five tollars each time afterwards!”

For several minutes he seemed undecided whether to go or to wait. ”Und twenty-five tollars each time afterward,” he kept muttering. Finally, just as he was called into the office, he was seized with a brilliant inspiration. He rushed toward the doctor with outstretched hands.

”h.e.l.lo, doctor,” he said effusively. ”Vell, here I am again.”

A clergyman who was holding a children's service at a Continental winter resort had occasion to catechize his hearers on the parable of the unjust steward. ”What is a steward?” he asked. A little boy who had arrived from England a few days before held up his hand. ”He is a man, sir,” he replied, ”who brings you a basin.”

A teacher giving a lecture on the rhinoceros found his cla.s.s was not giving him all the attention it should. ”Now, gentlemen,” he said, ”if you want to realize the true hideous nature of this animal you must keep your eyes fixed on me.”

A negro had made several ineffectual efforts to propose to the object of his affections, but on each occasion his courage failed him at the last moment. After thinking the matter over he finally decided to telephone, which he did. ”Is that you, Samantha?” he inquired upon being given the proper number. ”Yes, it's me,” returned the lady.