Part 3 (1/2)
”They could all be dissolved and put in a drink. Temezepam is a capsule.” Jill knew because she had teenagers in her practice on various meds.
”You think somebody made him swallow the drugs, in a drink? He'd taste it.” Sam ran a hand through his hair. ”If you really want to help the kid, I'll call Sandy. She owes me a favor and she's the best psychiatrist in town.”
”Thanks,” Jill said, grateful. ”Also, I think we might go to the memorial service, after work. Abby's the one who found William, dead. That's a trauma, and I can't just send her on her way tomorrow, alone.”
Sam pursed his lips. ”What about Megan?”
”She'll want to go.”
”How do you know?”
Jill felt awkward, spelling it out. ”I just think she'll want to go.”
”Is going the best thing for her? She's only thirteen, and she'll be hurting, too.”
”We should go.”
”Then go, if you want to.” Sam shrugged, and Jill touched his arm.
”Do you mind that she didn't invite you? I guess she felt that she didn't know you as well.”
”No, I get it.” Sam s.h.i.+fted back down onto the pillow. ”Whatever you want to do is fine with me.”
”Thanks.” Jill leaned down and gave him a light kiss.
”It's late.” Sam smiled, softly. ”Come to bed.”
”I am.” Jill closed the laptop and set it on the cluttered nighttable, edging aside her to-be-read pile of books, a jar of Cetaphil, and her gold hoop earrings, linked together like Venn diagrams in a math textbook. She remembered helping all three girls with their math, especially Abby. She would sit with her at the kitchen table for hours after practice, their heads bent together, working the practice problems in the textbook, with a king-size bag of M&M's at hand. By the end of middle school, they'd both hate M&M's.
I'll never understand geometry!
”I won't get fresh,” Sam said.
”Huh?” Jill asked, confused a moment, caught in mid-thought, betwixt and between.
”Trust me.”
”I do.” Jill smiled and switched off the lamp, and just before it went off, Beef raised his head, his eyes clouded at the edges. It struck her that the golden had lived through more of her lives than Sam had, and she couldn't imagine losing him. She reached over and patted his ample b.u.t.t. ”Let's have Beef in our ceremony.”
”Fine with me. I thought you didn't want to.”
”I changed my mind. If he jumps up on people, they'll have to deal. He's family.”
”Done.” Sam smiled, tugging up the covers. ”He can be my best man. He's better looking than Mort.”
”Aw, Mort's a sweet guy.” Jill slipped under the sheets, which felt cool on her bare legs.
”Agree, but he never grew up. Not like me. I was born grown up.”
Jill smiled. It was part of Sam's charm, to her. She'd felt an ease with him from the start, which was a blind date set up by an endocrinologist they both knew, who thought Jill's bookish side would find common ground with a doctor in academic medicine like Sam, and she'd never felt more herself with any man, except Gray. She s.h.i.+fted over and rested her head on Sam's chest. His cotton T-s.h.i.+rt was soft against her cheek, with the iron-on Penn faded out of existence.
”Okay?” Sam held her close.
”Okay.” Jill grew still, listening to the sounds of his heart. She listened differently since Gray had pa.s.sed, hearing not the beats but between them, trying to pick up the tiny, subtler sounds that made the difference between life and death. She didn't know whether she did it because she was a doctor or a widow, or both.
”Everything's going to be all right,” Sam said, reading her mind.
”How do you know? What's your proof?”
”You're asking me, seriously?”
”Yes. You're a scientist. Talk facts, not belief.”
”Well, then.” Sam gave her another squeeze, in the darkness. ”My proof is, right now, and right here. Just be a minute, and you'll see.”
Jill smiled uncertainly, then tried just to be, and came to understand what he meant. They were happy, really in love, a grown-up love that came from knowing and really appreciating the other person. Sam was her best friend, and she was his, and they had great kids and many other blessings. Their bedroom was large, quiet, and still. The darkness around them was as soft as black velvet, and a breeze billowed through the sheers, the aftermath of the storm. The burglar alarm was on, and the dishwasher thrummed downstairs. They lived on a pretty street lined with pin oaks, in a suburb outside of Philadelphia, which was just like all the suburbs outside all the cities all over the world.
Sam gave her another warm, cottony squeeze. ”See?”
Jill felt the exact same way. ”Yes. I love you.”
”I love you, too. And you're stuck with me, forever.”
”You, too,” Jill said, after a moment.
”Now, let's get some sleep.” Sam let out a final sigh, and in time Jill could feel his arms begin to slip, loosening his grip. He turned over in the next minute, and she pulled up the comforter, wondering. She'd believed in forever in her twenties, when Gray had said it, meaning every word, and she'd believed in forever in her thirties, when William had said it, lying through his teeth. But she'd lived long enough to know that forever couldn't be guaranteed to anyone. Even tomorrow couldn't be relied upon.
She closed her eyes, feeling suspended in time, between past and present, here and there, now that Abby was sleeping across the hall. Jill had thought that Abby and Victoria were a part of her past, her ex-life, that followed behind her, like a shadow, but Jill wasn't so sure of that, anymore. She was beginning to think that the past was an overlay on the present, like a transparent page in an old-school anatomy textbook. That Abby and Victoria hadn't really left her life, but had been lingering like ghosts in a familial limbo, waiting until she found them. Waiting until now.
Jill thought about getting married for the third time. She didn't have the heart to lose again, and neither did Megan. She was betting for them both, on forever. She wanted it so badly this time, and she wanted it with Sam. He was the last great love of her life. On impulse, she slid out of her T-s.h.i.+rt and panties, then s.h.i.+fted over and pressed herself against his back, feeling his warmth against her b.r.e.a.s.t.s, through the thin cotton. Her arms found their way around his waist, and she nuzzled his neck, kissing the hollow behind his ear, where his whiskers were rough, out of a razor's reach.
”Baby?” she breathed, a question that Sam didn't need words to answer. He stirred and came to wakefulness, s.h.i.+fting onto his back and reaching for her when she climbed onto him, kissing him. He tasted still of toothpaste, and his breath came quicker when she wrangled off his T-s.h.i.+rt and boxers, leaving the both of them naked, together, skin against skin, until they were nothing but each other, and all the clothes, eyegla.s.ses, stethoscopes, and employee IDs had been stripped away, and the roles they played for the rest of the world had ended, and she felt as if she had been broken down like a stage set, finally becoming herself. And in that moment, she was no longer a mother or a doctor, but simply a woman, his woman.
And that was not only enough, that was everything.
Chapter Five.
”Mom!” Megan whispered, loudly. ”Abby's here! What's going on? Mom, Mom!”
Jill woke up to find an astonished Megan, shaking her awake. It had to be before dawn because the bedroom was still dim, quiet except for Megan, who was dressed for swim practice in her yellow Valley West hoodie. Her hair was pulled back in its doubled-under ponytail, its dry ends sprayed out, stiff from chlorine.
”Mom, Abby's here! In my bed! Oh my G.o.d, did you even know that?”
”Yes, I do, hi, honey.” Jill rose slightly, propping herself up on an elbow. The clock read 5:15 A.M., and she didn't have to be up until seven, for work. ”I didn't expect you this early. What's going on? Did Coach call a practice?”
”Yes, I have to get my stuff, but Mom, Abby's in my bed. What's she doing here? It's so weird! You know, right?”