Part 64 (1/2)
”Yes, I'm angry,” she said; ”and I've a right to be angry. You're good to John Fanshaw; you're good to Jeremy. Have you been good to me?”
”It was done in malice against you--and in petty malice, I think now, though I didn't think that then.”
”Doing it was no malice to me. You did it in love of me!” Her words were a challenge to him to deny; and, looking at her, he could not deny. He had never denied his love for her, and he would not now. ”The wrong you did me was not in doing it, but in not telling me; yes, not telling me about that, nor about what you did for John Fanshaw either.”
”I couldn't risk seeming to try to make a claim, especially when----”
”Especially when making a claim on me might have saved me! Is that what you mean? When it might have made all the difference to me and to Frank?
When it might have turned me back from my madness? All was to go to ruin sooner than that you should risk seeming to make a claim!”
He attempted no answer, but stood very still, listening and ready to listen. Her voice lost something of its hardness, and became more appealing as she went on.
”They're allowed to know your good side, the kind things you do, how you stand by your friends, how you help people, how you lavish gifts on my brother for my sake. You don't hide it from them. They know you can love, and love to give happiness. There are only two people who mayn't know--the two people in all the world who ought to know, whose happiness and whose trust in themselves and in one another lie in knowing. They must be hoodwinked and kept in the dark. They're to know nothing of you.
For them you find the bad motive, the mean interpretation, the selfish point of view. And you're so ingenious in finding it for them! Grantley, to those two people you've done a great wrong.”
He was silent a moment. Then he asked:
”To you and the little boy, you mean?”
”No: he's too young. Anyhow, I didn't mean him; I wasn't thinking of him. You know that sometimes I don't think of him--that sometimes, in love or in hatred, I can think of nothing in the world but you, but you and me. And it's to me and to yourself that you've done the wrong.”
”To you--and myself?”
”Yes, yes! Oh, what's the use of doing fine things if you bury them from me, if you distort them to yourself, if you won't let either me or yourself think them generous and good? Why must you trick me and yourself, of all the world? Oughtn't we to know--oughtn't we of everybody in the world to know? What's the good of kindness if you dress it up as selfishness? What's the good of love if you call it malice?”
”I've spoken the truth as I believed it.”
”No, I say no, Grantley! You've spoken it as you would have me believe it, as you try to make yourself believe it. But it's not the truth!” She came one step nearer to him. ”I used to pray that you should change,”
she said imploringly. ”I don't pray that now. It's impossible. And I don't think I want it. Don't change; but, oh, be yourself! Be yourself to me and to yourself. You haven't been to either of us. Open your heart to both of us; let us both know you as you are. Don't be ashamed either before me or before yourself. I know I'm difficult! Heavens, aren't you--even the real you--difficult too? But if you won't be honest in the end, then G.o.d help us! But if you'll be yourself to me and to yourself, then, my dear, I think it would be enough.”
He came to her and took her hand.
”No man ever loved woman more than I love you,” he said.
”Then try, then try, then try!” she whispered, and her eyes met his.
There seemed in them a far-off gleam of the light which once had blazed from them on the fairy ride.
CHAPTER XXVII
SAMPLES OF THE BULK
”You do think they'll be happy?” Mrs. Selford asked a little apprehensively. Her manner craved rea.s.surance.
”Why put that question to me--to me, of all people? Is it on the principle of knowing the worst? If even a cynic like me thinks they'll be happy, the prospect will be very promising--is that it?”
”Goodness knows I don't expect the ideal! I've never had it myself. Oh, I don't see why I need pretend with you, and I shouldn't deceive you if I did. I've never had the ideal myself, and I don't expect it for Anna.