Part 64 (1/2)
”Uh-huh--specifically the four Rangers, if I'm reading you right.”
”You are. I was incredibly fortunate to find Ranger Losinj during the rebellion, but we're critically short even when we have the average of ten, and right now we're down to seven.”
”You want me to be number eight, I'd say. We both know I don't have even the widely-known qualifications, and I can't believe you'd consider for a second lowering the standards, so--” Odeon broke off.
”Who's supposed to make the changes? If it's Shayan, forget it!”
”He told me about it, but it's the Protector who'll make you Ranger-level, if you agree to the changes. Including the mind-set we have to have, but again, only if you agree.”
”That's a tremendous offer, Jim, and I can't deny it'd be a useful and satisfying job--but I can't give you an answer just yet. First I've got to work out my spiritual problem, and decide whether or not I'd be willing to leave my family even for something like that.”
”I can't do anything for you about the first, but maybe I can ease your concern about the latter a bit. The one who mind-visited me said he gave Family Cortin some of the same information he gave me; did that include anything about an upcoming invasion I'm not going to be allowed to warn the Empire about?”
”He didn't mention that part, but yeah, a super-nasty one. Why?”
Medart chuckled. ”You don't need me to answer that; you can do it for yourself, but I'll give you a hint if you want.”
Odeon thought for a moment, then shook his head. ”Don't bother. It's pretty clear that someone who can command fleets would have a lot more effect against invaders than a Strike Force officer who's been ordered off active duty. Which means I could do more for the people I love by leaving them than I could by staying with them.” He paused, then shook his head. ”And that hurts too--especially since one of the public things is that Rangers don't have any close personal ties, so if I take the job, I won't even love them any more. Will I?”
Medart hesitated, but he couldn't either lie or refuse to answer. ”No, you won't. That's an emotion I've never had, other than maybe for the Empire as a whole. Liking and respect for individuals, yes--love, no.”
”And I won't miss it. I think that may be the worst.” Odeon sighed.
”But you hit me in my vulnerable spot, Jim, and I think you know it.
I've spent my entire adult life doing my d.a.m.ndest to protect and help people; if I can get past my spiritual problem, I'm going to have to accept the job.”
”If it's any consolation, none of us asked for the job, or particularly wanted it--my own plans were to go through the Academy, have a Naval career, and then retire to Herbert's World with a cattle ranch. Every one of us, Corina included, took it on out of a sense of obligation.”
34. Transformation
Odeon was right; he didn't get any sleep. He'd left Medart as soon as a messenger from the s.h.i.+p delivered the materials the Ranger had ordered, and spent the next few hours comparing the Traditional Catholic Bible with the one he knew so well, and studying their doctrines.
With the exception of a couple of name changes, the Final Coming, and the Third Aspect being the Holy Spirit instead of the Protector--and, of course, the accommodations the Systems Church had made for Enforcement and the Satyr Plague--the two were almost identical. Where they differed otherwise were matters of discipline, with the Systems version stricter. It was even possible, he told himself, that the Third Aspect used both names, and the Protector's appearance in the Systems didn't rule out Jeshua's Second Coming to the rest of the Empire. It did bother him that Jim had said the Protector was limited to the Systems, but he reminded himself yet again that a mortal could never truly understand the Mind of G.o.d; all he could do was accept.
It wouldn't be difficult for him to make the necessary adjustments, either, though he'd definitely have to see the Terran Pope if he decided to take up either of Jim's offers. It probably wouldn't be a good idea to tell him Pope Lucius' true ident.i.ty, even though he was certain it wouldn't be believed. But it wouldn't hurt to tell him about having the Systems Pope's permission to celebrate Ma.s.s more than once a day, and find out what would be expected of a priest who was also a Ranger.
Odeon sighed when he got to that point. He'd managed to avoid facing the fact so far, but he couldn't put it off forever; by bringing his Family's welfare into the equation, Jim had made it impossible for him to turn the job down. He'd known that even then, he thought, but he hadn't wanted to accept it.
And he still didn't want to. He loved his Family too much to want to leave them, particularly when it would mean he'd no longer be able to love them. But as Jim had made him work out for himself, he could do them a lot more good in the upcoming war by leaving to take a high Imperial position than he could by staying. Dear G.o.d, but the prospect hurt, though!
He sighed again. For the first time in his career, he was reluctant to act on a decision as soon as he made it. This was the first one that would bring about major changes in his essential self, and that prospect frightened him. Even Shayan's mental surgery hadn't changed what he was; it had only given him a couple of new abilities--very minor ones, from what he'd read of Talent.
The memory of that surgery didn't help, either. Even though Shayan had a.s.sured him it could've been done painlessly and in seconds, he couldn't shake the a.s.sociation of mental changes with agonizing, prolonged pain and violation. As he'd told Sara, though, if someone needed his help as badly as she had, he didn't have any choice but to try giving it, even though he wasn't sure he could endure such surgery again.
That lack of choice was even more emphatic since the ones needing his help included his Family. He had to submit to that surgery, endure it to the best of his ability, and pray he'd have the strength to survive it.
Live or die, he thought grimly, he'd be losing those he deeply loved--and he wasn't sure whether he should indulge himself, tell them all goodbye, or if it would be better to just go ahead and do it. That decision could wait, though; he didn't want it to be obvious he hadn't slept or--yet--that he was bracing himself to leave. He had just about time to clean up and say Ma.s.s before he'd have to go in to breakfast.