Part 89 (1/2)

Looking at his face, I again thought that he was so like his father in so many ways.

But it was time for this to be done. He didn't need any further pain.

Neither did I.

”Even if I did hurt you,” I began honestly, ”for me, it was still an honor to have the opportunity to get to know you. You're a good brother. You're a great kid. And your father is very proud of you. You'll make an excellent soldier one day, Chris. In fact, you'll make an excellent anything you want to be.”

He continued to stare up at me without a word.

So I decided to finish up.

”Thank you for putting up with me for a spell. I wish that time came without me hurting you. But I'm still grateful that I've had it.”

He swallowed.

That needed to be that, so I gave him a smile that was not genuine in the slightest, wis.h.i.+ng I could touch him. I wouldn't be greedy, go for a hug, a kiss on the cheek. I just wanted to stroke his hair or run my finger along his cheek.

But I couldn't.

Because he wouldn't want that.

Instead, I turned away and moved quickly down the hall.

I didn't look back.

Because speaking with Chris took a lot out of me. Too much. I was beginning to feel more than nothing. A lot more than nothing. And I needed that nothing in order to get through speaking with Apollo.

Then I needed to find Valentine.

And once I'd spoken to her, when she'd done what I'd asked, only then would I let myself feel something.

Now, I needed that nothing.

So I held onto it as I made it down the stairs and moved directly to Apollo's study.

I didn't hesitate to knock.

I also didn't hesitate to put my hand to the k.n.o.b, turn it and move into the room when I heard him call, ”Come.”

The minute I entered I noted that he was alone. He was at his desk, his head bent to some paper he was scribbling on.

And in that second I entered, my feeling of nothingness took another hit because at one glance, I knew that I missed him. I missed everything about him including watching him do something ordinary, like scribble on paper, and marveling at how beautiful he could be doing it.

The second after I came through the door, his head came up, his expression changed and he dropped his quill.

I blocked out his expression.

I needed to. If I didn't, I'd feel something.

And not a little something.

I couldn't allow myself to do that.

So I didn't ”Close the door, dove,” he called quietly as he straightened from the desk.

I did as bid, steeling myself against him calling me ”dove.”

I'd missed that too.

I closed the door and positioned to stand in front of it, holding my cloak over my arm, my gloves tight in my hand.

Apollo moved to the front of his desk, his eyes on me as he did, and there he stopped.

”Will you come here?” he asked.

So Apollo, wanting me to go to him.

As irritating as that could be, I missed that too.

”No, thank you,” I answered.

I saw his jaw clench.

He did this holding my gaze and he gave it a moment before he stated, ”I said some things.”

”Yes, you did,” I agreed matter-of-factly.

He registered my tone immediately. I knew it because I saw his almost imperceptible flinch before he recovered and went on.

”I regret them, poppy.”

I made no reply.

”I was worried about you,” he told me.

I remained silent.

”And when we found him, Christophe shared things that were troubling.”

I said nothing.

”I had many weighty matters on my mind. Too many, all at once.”

I held my silence.

Apollo started toward me, saying, ”Alas, my dove, I took that out on you.”

I finally broke my silence and he stopped moving when I said, ”I'd actually prefer it if you stayed over there.”

”Maddie-” he started, his voice soft, sweet.