Part 14 (1/2)

I looked up at the door again and sharpened my ear to see if I could hear anybody. Then I continued. ”Should something happen to me, promise me you'll go to London with Omid and stay with your parents.” She did not say anything, so I continued again. ”As I said, I might go to the front today. If you don't hear from me in a few days, I want you to pack your bags and go to London. Do you promise me?”

”Reza, you don't need to remind me how dangerous your work is,” she said with confusion in her voice. ”But I don't understand why they need a computer guy at the front. I am just ...” She did not finish and just stayed quiet while I told her one more time how much I loved her.

Then, as much as I wanted to continue to hear her voice, I realized that I needed to hang up. The Guards could have been listening to this call, further fueling their suspicion about me.

I met Javad at his office and from there we headed toward his car. I resolved to maintain my composure, trying to convince myself that Javad was acting the way he was simply to test me. After all, according to Akbar, he'd made a profession out of testing people. Meanwhile, my thoughts raced between wondering if the Guards knew about Wally and persuading myself that they couldn't possibly know.

We'd barely started driving when Javad raised my anxieties to new levels.

”Baradar Reza, we are going to Evin Prison instead of Abba.s.s's office,” he said. ”Abba.s.s is at Evin today.”

The mere suggestion of Evin set my mind reeling. Images immediately flashed of the last time I was there. The sounds of terror, torture, wailing, and gunshots rang in my ears simultaneously. I thought of Parvaneh, Naser, and Soheil. Unbidden, the thought came of myself as a prisoner there, and I came very close to losing the facade of calm I'd managed to erect provisionally.

”I am looking forward to meeting this friend of yours,” I said as I straightened my back in my seat. ”It's Baradar Abba.s.s, right?”

”Yeah, Abba.s.s. G.o.d bless him. This morning he told me they had just arrested two pasdar pasdar who were working as spies for other countries. It's hard to believe those b.a.s.t.a.r.ds thought they could infiltrate us, steal our secrets, and get away with their treacherous acts. We lose our brothers in war, and these sons of dogs sell us out for money to America, Israel, or the Mujahedin. They are going to pay and then pay again.” who were working as spies for other countries. It's hard to believe those b.a.s.t.a.r.ds thought they could infiltrate us, steal our secrets, and get away with their treacherous acts. We lose our brothers in war, and these sons of dogs sell us out for money to America, Israel, or the Mujahedin. They are going to pay and then pay again.”

He looked over at me, narrowing his eyes. I could feel the hatred in his voice, the insane need to avenge his brother by bringing down anyone who opposed the regime, and therefore the cause for which his brother had died.

His mention of the arrest of the Guards sent the pendulum of my thoughts back to the belief that Javad was driving me toward my imprisonment. For the first time since I became Wally, I felt I had reached the end. I was caught. My mind raced to think of a way out. In this frantic condition, I remembered a spy movie I watched with Naser when we were teenagers. In the movie, a spy took cyanide just before he was captured to avoid certain torture. If I had a cyanide capsule on me at that moment, I might have done the same. But such a thing hadn't come in the ”spy kit” provided by the CIA. In this moment, in this car that I believed was delivering me to a future of agony, I felt very alone. I looked out the window, as if something there would provide me with an option.

”They go to America, and instead of helping their country, they betray us. One of these jasoosa jasoosa gave away a secret plan about the war and a lot of Basijis lost their lives.” gave away a secret plan about the war and a lot of Basijis lost their lives.”

Javad's resentment for me was very personal. If, in fact, he did know that I was a spy, he was equating me with the death of our soldiers and, by extension, the death of his brother.

I continued to play the role of the faithful Guard. ”Baradar Javad, we are fortunate that we have people like Abba.s.s, whose knowledge is building a strong coalition for our Islamic movement. His American education is an a.s.set for us. He knows the Americans better than they know us. He is not a betrayer.”

Javad glanced at me quickly before returning his eyes to the road. He didn't respond, and I stayed quiet as well, hoping that doing so would allow my words to sink in with him. If Javad and his cohorts had evidence against me, I knew I was already lost. But that didn't prevent me from trying everything at my disposal to convince them that they'd misjudged me.

A short while later, we entered through the main gate of Evin and headed toward the prosecution wing, southwest of the main prison building. Javad knew exactly where to go, probably because he'd spent a great deal of time here. I followed behind him in the long hallway lined with doors on both sides. He then made a left turn to another smaller hallway, stopped on the right side, and knocked on a door. Before anybody could answer, he opened the door.

Two Guards sat facing each other at desks piled with files and stacks of paper. One Guard gestured for the other to leave the room. Then he got up and approached Javad.

”Salam aleikom, Baradar Javad,” he said, giving Javad a hug and kiss on each cheek. He reached his hand to me. ”You must be Reza. I'm Abba.s.s.” Baradar Javad,” he said, giving Javad a hug and kiss on each cheek. He reached his hand to me. ”You must be Reza. I'm Abba.s.s.”

I nodded as I shook his hand.

Tall with broad shoulders, Abba.s.s cut the image of a handsome pasdar pasdar in his tailored uniform. Despite his full beard and trimmed mustache, he looked neat and clean, unlike so many of his brethren who cared little for their appearance. in his tailored uniform. Despite his full beard and trimmed mustache, he looked neat and clean, unlike so many of his brethren who cared little for their appearance.

Abba.s.s's manner could not have been more different from Javad's. He casually asked me about my life in Southern California and his manner was affable and gracious. He opened the conversation by saying that he went to school in Los Angeles around the same time I was there. I responded by telling him of my a.s.sociation with Islamic students in LA.

”Oh, did you know Shahid Shahid Baradar Ha.s.san?” he asked. Baradar Ha.s.san?” he asked.

”No. I knew a lot of people in the a.s.sociation, but I mostly hung around with Farzin and Mani, who were in charge of most of the meetings. Perhaps you knew them?”

”Yes, I knew them,” he said, smiling. ”They were a mainstay of the a.s.sociation in those days. Did you know that both Mani and Ha.s.san came back and were martyred on the front? Two great shahid shahid. But I never heard anything more of Farzin. Do you know where he is?”

”No, I've lost contact with him. I'm sorry to hear about Mani and Ha.s.san. We're fortunate to have such devoted baradaran. baradaran.”

Abba.s.s seemed to consider this for a moment. ”Javad said you took a trip back to America a few years ago. You didn't see Farzin or contact him then?”

I told him about the nature of my trip and that I had only a short amount of time to spend with my aunt and help her transition to the a.s.sisted-living facility. I mentioned that I'd met with my old roommates, a.s.suming he already knew that.

We talked about the student a.s.sociation for a while and I learned that Abba.s.s was a committee head of the a.s.sociation and attended some of the meetings on the same days I was there. There was a surreal feeling to this conversation. I'd entered the office believing that they were about to s.h.i.+p me to h.e.l.l, yet we spoke in a relaxed manner, like nothing more than two people with common acquaintances.

Javad, however, had a point to press. ”Some of those students joined the Mujahedin, and the rest of them are working for Zionist America,” he said sharply.

As he said that, I remembered that Johnny, my college roommate, had mentioned something about someone named Farhad-I didn't know anyone named Farhad-who'd joined the Mujahedin with his sister. I now realized that Johnny was talking about Farzin. Johnny told me that Farhad/Farzin had been arrested and killed in Iran.

So that's what this is all about. They're trying to connect me to Farzin with trick questions.

Javad continued, insisting that all Iranians who studied abroad were criminals and had no decency.

Impatiently, Abba.s.s turned and said, ”Javad, we have many Guards who have been educated all over the world and are serving our country well and with pure belief.” He was obviously offended.

This exchange only increased the tension in the room from my perspective. I still didn't know what was going on. Had Javad brought me here to set me up, hoping I'd say something out of nervousness that would indict me? If so, had I already said something to compromise myself? Or did Abba.s.s know more than he was letting on, in which case his friendliness was just a sham before they destroyed me.

Just as Abba.s.s started to ask another question, a loud knock at the door interrupted us and two tall and well-built pasdar pasdar entered the room. Their machine guns were hanging on their backs, and they had small guns at their waists. Their arrival immediately led me to believe that my time of reckoning had come. I felt all my resolve leave me; I was suddenly ready to surrender, to admit anything they wanted to know or confirm everything they already believed. entered the room. Their machine guns were hanging on their backs, and they had small guns at their waists. Their arrival immediately led me to believe that my time of reckoning had come. I felt all my resolve leave me; I was suddenly ready to surrender, to admit anything they wanted to know or confirm everything they already believed.

Long moments pa.s.sed with the gaze of these pasdar pasdar seemingly boring a hole into me. Then Abba.s.s approached them, handed over a folder, and whispered something to one of them. I had never felt so vulnerable in my life. I was certain that I had failed to meet Abba.s.s's scrutiny. I stared at the floor, feeling numb; my ears, mouth, eyes-my whole body was senseless. I couldn't think of anything, not even my son. The image of Somaya's smile didn't bring back my strength. Naser's unjust death meant nothing at that moment. I couldn't think of any ifs-if I survived this, if I got to go home, if I could just see my family one more time ... seemingly boring a hole into me. Then Abba.s.s approached them, handed over a folder, and whispered something to one of them. I had never felt so vulnerable in my life. I was certain that I had failed to meet Abba.s.s's scrutiny. I stared at the floor, feeling numb; my ears, mouth, eyes-my whole body was senseless. I couldn't think of anything, not even my son. The image of Somaya's smile didn't bring back my strength. Naser's unjust death meant nothing at that moment. I couldn't think of any ifs-if I survived this, if I got to go home, if I could just see my family one more time ...

”Okay, then. Come on, we're going now,” Javad said, tapping my shoulder.

Resigned to my fate, I got up, thinking I was leaving with the two Guards. That's when I saw that they were no longer in the room. I had missed their departure in my panicked reverie. Then Abba.s.s got up and rearranged the papers on his desk, grabbed a folder, put it under his arm, and shook my hand.

”I should be leaving as I have to be in my office soon,” he said. He then patted Javad's shoulder and told him that he would be in touch.

Still feeling numb, I said good-bye to Abba.s.s, and Javad and I left.

Back in the car, my senses started to return. ”Are we going back to the base?” I asked, still wondering if Javad might be taking me elsewhere.

Javad threw me an arched eyebrow. ”Where else do you want to go?”

”Nowhere,” I said quickly. ”I promised Rahim that I'd fix his computer sometime today. I just didn't know if you needed to go somewhere first.”

Javad scratched his mustache with his bottom teeth, rolled his eyes, and kept driving. We returned to the base and I got on with the rest of my day.

As much as I tried, I couldn't begin to understand what this experience was all about.

That night at home I told Somaya that I would be staying in my study to take care of some unfinished work and that I would not be coming to the bedroom at all. I could see that she wasn't sure what to make of this. I'd rattled her with the phone call earlier in the day, and my explanation when I got home about a delay in our mission to the front hardly seemed to mollify her. But she simply nodded her understanding. I promised myself that I would explain things to her better later, but I didn't have the strength to do so tonight.

Alone in my study, I pondered for hours. I'd made any number of monumental decisions over the past few years and it was time for me to make another one-maybe the toughest of my life. I chain-smoked an entire pack of cigarettes, and when I lit my last one, I realized that I knew what I had to do.

[Letter #-]

[Date: ---]