Part 29 (1/2)
THE MODERN BELLE.
The daughter sits in the parlor, And rocks in her easy-chair; She is dressed in silks and satins, And jewels are in her hair; She winks, and giggles, and simpers, And simpers, and giggles, and winks; And though she talks but little, It's vastly more than she thinks.
Her father goes clad in russet-- All brown and seedy at that; His coat is out at the elbows, And he wears a shocking bad hat.
He is h.o.a.rding and saving his dollars, So carefully, day by day, While she on her whims and fancies Is squandering them all away.
She lies in bed of a morning Until the hour of noon, Then comes down, snapping and snarling Because she's called too soon.
Her hair is still in papers, Her cheeks still bedaubed with paint-- Remains of last night's blushes Before she attempted to faint.
Her feet are so very little, Her hands so snowy white, Her jewels so very heavy, And her head so very light; Her color is made of cosmetics-- Though this she'll never own; Her body is mostly cotton, And her heart is wholly stone.
She falls in love with a fellow Who swells with a foreign air; He marries her for her money, She marries him for his hair-- One of the very best matches; Both are well mated in life; She's got a fool for a husband, And he's got a fool for a wife.
THE PUZZLED DUTCHMAN.
ANONYMOUS.
_A Humorous Recitation._
One who does not believe in immersion for baptism was holding a protracted meeting, and one night preached on the subject of baptism. In the course of his remarks he said that some believe it necessary to go down in the water, and come up out of it, to be baptized. But this he claimed to be fallacy, for the preposition ”into” of the Scriptures should be rendered differently, as it does not mean into at all times. ”Moses,” he said, ”we are told, went up into the mountain; and the Saviour was taken up into a high mountain, etc. Now we do not suppose either went into a mountain but went unto it. So with going down into the water; it means simply going down close by or near to the water, and being baptized in the ordinary way, by sprinkling or pouring.” He carried this idea out fully, and in due season closed his discourse, when an invitation was given for any one so disposed to rise and express his thoughts. Quite a number of his brethren arose and said they were glad they had been present on this occasion, that they were well pleased with the sound sermon they had just heard, and felt their souls greatly blessed. Finally, a corpulent gentleman of Teutonic extraction, a stranger to all, arose and broke the silence that was almost painful, as follows:
”Mister Breacher, I is so glad I vash here to-night, for I has had explained to my mint some dings dat I never could pelief pefore. Oh, I is so glad dat into does not mean into at all, but shust close py or near to, for now I can pelief many dings vot I could not pelief pefore. We reat, Mr.
Breacher, dat Taniel vos cast into de ten of lions, and came out alife.
Now I neffer could pelief dat, for wilt peasts would shust eat him right off; but now it is fery clear to my mint. He vash shust close py or near to, and tid not get into de ten at all. Oh, I ish so glad I vash here to-night. Again we reat dat de Heprew children vas cast into de firish furnace, and dat always look like a beeg story too, for they would have been purnt up; but it ish all blain to my mint now, for dey was shust cast py or close to de firish furnace. Oh, I vas so glad I vos here to-night.
And den, Mister Breacher, it ish said dat Jonah vash cast into de sea, and taken into de whale's pelly. Now I neffer could pelief dat. It alwish seemed to me to be a beeg fish story, but it ish all blain to my mint now.
He vash not into de whale's pelly at all, but shump onto his pack and rode ash.o.r.e. Oh, I vash so glad I vash here to-night.
”And now, Mister Breacher, if you will shust exblain two more ba.s.sages of Scriptures, I shall be oh so happy dat I vas here to-night! One of dem ish vere it saish de vicked shall be cast into a lake dat burns mit fire and primstone alwish. Oh, Mister Breacher, shall I be cast into dat lake if I am vicked, or shust close py or near to--shust near enough to be comfortable? Oh, I hope you tell me I shall be cast only shust py a good veys off, and I vill pe so glad I vash here to-night. Do oder ba.s.sage is dat vich saish blessed are they who do these commandments, dat dey may have right to de dree of life, and enter in droo de gates of the city, and not shust close py or near to--shust near enough to see vat I have lost--and I shall pe so glad I vash here to-night.”
THE FAST MAIL AND THE STAGE.
BY JOHN H. YATES.
Lay by the weekly, Betsey, it's old like you and I, And read the morning's daily, with its pages scarcely dry.
While you and I were sleepin', they were printing them to-day, In the city by the ocean, several hundred miles away.
”How'd I get it?” Bless you, Betsey, you needn't doubt and laugh; It didn't drop down from the clouds nor come by telegraph; I got it by the lightning mail we've read about you know, The mail that Jonathan got up about a month ago.
We farmers livin' 'round the hill went to the town to-day To see the fast mail catch the bags that hung beside the way; Quick as a flash from thundering clouds, whose tempest swept the sky, The bags were caught on board the train as it went roarin' by.
We are seein' many changes in our fast declinin' years; Strange rumors now are soundin' in our hard-of-hearin' ears.