Part 1 (2/2)

The a.s.sistant manager nodded, because he was an a.s.sistant manager.

*So we have The Stables, the virgin birth . . . now look at our three bouncers.'

The a.s.sistant manager looked at Lenny, Jugs and Ripley Bogle.

*They're all hoods, right.'

The a.s.sistant manager nodded.

*And what're hoods called in Mafia flicks?'

*Mafia flicks? Ugh . . .'

*Wise guys, right?'

*Ugh . . . right.'

*And where are they from?'

*Italy . . . New York . . .'

*Not the Mafia a Lenny, Jugs . . .'

*Oh. Just round here. Jugs is Newtownards Road, Lenny's . . .'

*East Belfast. All from East Belfast.'

*Okay. Right.'

*So the three wise men from the east.' The manager smiled widely.

*I think you might be stretching . . .'

*Hold on, I'm not finished. What was the first thing she wanted after she gave birth?'

The a.s.sistant manager thought for a moment, then it came to him. *A cigarette.'

The manager nodded. *And what did she light it with . . .?'

*She couldn't find her lighter, so Lennie gave her his, told her to keep it, a present . . .'

*It was a gold lighter.'

*Gold-ish.'

*Stick with me. A gold lighter. So after that, what did she want?'

This time the a.s.sistant manager's brow furrowed, he couldn't think what had been next.

*After all that screaming and shouting . . .?'

*I don't . . .'

*She wanted to fix her face. So she asked for . . .'

*A mirror!' He said it a little too loudly and the bouncers scowled round, then returned to their cooing. *But . . .'

*Don't you see?' The manager tutted. *Look, the virgin Moira, comes to the city, finds no room at the inn and has to sleep in The Stables, she gives birth and the three wise men from the east bring her gifts of gold, frankincense and mirror.'

*Frankincense?'

*Well, I didn't say it fitted perfectly, but near as d.a.m.n it. If you ask me, what we have on our hands here is the Second Coming. Mark my words.'

The a.s.sistant manager shook his head. It was late and he was tired and his boss was a raving lunatic.

He took a deep breath. He smiled across at Moira, babe in arms, and said, *What're you going to call him, love?'

*Him?' Moira said.

1.

Cardinal Tomas Daley, Primate of All Ireland and the hot favourite to be the first English-speaking pope since Robbie Coltrane, glanced up from his desk. *You look like you've been celebrating,' he said.

I nodded. It hurt. I had one of those headaches that begins in your feet. Up top the Four Hors.e.m.e.n of the Apocalypse had tethered their restless mounts to the back of my eyeb.a.l.l.s. The thousand curious little green woodp.e.c.k.e.rs cunningly masquerading as summer raindrops thumping at the window didn't help.

*My wife had a baby last night,' I said.

*Really?'

I nodded. It hurt some more.

*Congratulations.'

He gave me the warm-hearted smile of a nice man with a problem and turned perplexed eyes to the file lying open on the desk before him. He made a note. I have never felt entirely easy with people who maintain files on me. Particularly religious people.

*Thank you.'

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