Part 39 (1/2)
”You don't have to worry. I told you, Samantha”
”p.i.s.s and vinegar! I don't want to have to depend on Samantha Bruce to tell me what to do. I don't even want you to have to tell me. I want to know. How would you feel if you couldn't make a move, do or say anything until you cleared it with somebody else?”
A look of understanding came into Madison's eyes. He put his arms around her and drew her close. ”What do you want me to do?”
”I don't know.”
”Think of something. We have to start somewhere.”
”Let's not decide anything just yet.”
”We have to decide something. We can't just lie here with our clothes off waiting for Pike and Reed to find us.”
”Then let me talk to Rose.”
”What do you expect to learn from Rose?”
”I don't know, but she left home to marry your brother. She must know more than I do.”
”When are we going to have the wedding?”
”I don't know.”
Madison became deathly still. The quiet was ominous. He held her away from him and forced her head up until she looked straight into his eyes. ”Fern, tell me the truth. Do you want to marry me?”
”More than anything else in the world.”
”Then what's bothering you?”
”I told you. I'm scared. I used to think I was only afraid of being with a man or dying in childbed. I thought if I could not be afraid of those things, everything would be perfect. I know better now. I'm not like Samantha and I never will be. I can't speak French and talk about clothes and the places I've been and the people I'm related to. I don't think like she does; I don't act like she does. And I never will. I'd want to for you. I would try my hardest, but I'd fail. And the worst thing in the world would be for me to see your love for me dying a little bit every day.”
”I never”
”Let me finish,” Fern said. ”You wouldn't want to stop loving me, but it would happen. You wouldn't be able to help it. Even my own children would be ashamed of their mother. I'm not saying I won't marry you. I think I would die before I would say that, but I've got to believe I can be what you want. Not just a wife you're not ashamed of. A wife you could be proud of.”
”I am proud of you.”
”You're proud of me here, in Kansas, surrounded by chickens and pigs and bulls. That's not the same thing as being proud of me in Boston.”
”I'll be proud of you no matter where we live. And if you can't live in Boston, then we'll live here. If George can learn to run a ranch, I can learn to run a farm. As long as I don't have to chase cows, I might not mind Kansas all that much.”
Fern wanted to melt into his arms, but just because he had lost his mind didn't mean she had to lose hers as well. One of them had to be sensible.
''Didn't you tell me you left Texas because you thought you would go crazy?”
”Yes, but”
”Kansas has got to be just like Texas, maybe worse. I remember how you acted when you first came here.”
”But I hated everything then.”
”And you don't like it any better now,” Fern insisted. ”Admit it. We both have to do some thinking. I love you more than anything else in the world, but we can't just get married and hope everything will work out for the best.”
”What do you want to do?”
”I want to marry you right now and forget everything else,” Fern said, ”but I think we'd better wait.”
”How long? I have to go to Topeka for Hen's hearing. I'd like a definite yes by the time I get back.”
”I'll try.”
”Now, before your barnyard bursts into frantic activity, and Reed and Pike show their unwanted faces, I have some unfinished business.”
I thought we finished that last night.”
”We only started. We won't ever be finished.”
Fern decided she didn't have to think about that.
Fern stared at Jeff with a fascination that had nothing to do with his missing arm. When Madison had told her Jeff was coming in from Denver on his way to Chicago, she'd expected another aggressive, confident, frequently abrasive, but basically cheerful person like Madison, George, and Hen.
Jeff wasn't at all like that.
He was shorter, thinner, and quieter than his brothers. But he made up for it in intensity. His eyes seemed to burn with an inner rage that made Fern uncomfortable. Worst of all, he glared at her as though he hoped the heat from his gaze would cause her to burst into flame. She knew he disapproved of her pants, but she stubbornly refused to change her clothes to please him. Madison, George, Rose, and Hen had come to accept her in pants. Jeff would have to do the same.
”You really don't need to go to Topeka with us,” George was saying as they prepared to leave the house. ”Madison and I can handle it by ourselves.”
”I'm sure you can,” Jeff replied, ”but I'm going anyway.”
Fern hated the way Jeff looked at Madison. He never said anything, but he stared at his brother as if he wanted to hit him. Fern wondered if the Randolph brothers would ever learn to love each other. Madison had finally worked things out with George and Hen. Now Jeff had shown up, and the tension that always simmered just beneath the surface had gotten worse. Would it get worse still when he encountered the other three brothers? Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to go to Boston.
As much as Fern hated to be separated from Madison, she was anxious for him to get the trip over. Samantha and Freddy were traveling with him as far as Topeka. Fern had to admit she would feel better as soon as Samantha was back in Boston. She told herself she was being petty, mean, and totally unfair. But, try as she might, she couldn't be happy about Samantha's friends.h.i.+p with Madison.
”What did you think of Jeff?” Rose asked as soon as the men were gone.
”I expected him to look like George,” Fern said, trying to avoid the truth.
”You weren't what he expected, either,” Rose said, a smile of understanding on her lips. ”I take it Madison told him he'd asked you to many him.”
”Yes.”
”And you still decided to wear pants.”
”People are going to have to accept me as am,” Fern said, her defenses up. She liked Rose very much, but she didn't understand why Rose continued to disapprove of her wearing pants.
”I have no doubt they'll try,” Rose said, inviting Fern to sit back down at the breakfast table, ”but not everybody is going to succeed. Not everybody will even try.”