Part 27 (1/2)
”But you've been trying to get me to stay with Mrs. Abbott.”
”I didn't want you to feel you had to.”
Fern blushed faintly as she glanced at Pike and Reed. ”You'll have them thinking you did compromise me. I wish you'd go back to town and let me get on with my work.” She looked around. ”At least the work you've left me to do.”
”I want to talk with you first.”
She looked ready to refuse.
”Just a few minutes. Alone.”
”Find something to do,” she said to Pike and Reed, clearly irritated with Madison. I won't be more than five minutes.”
”I guess I'd better talk fast. I'd hate to keep the pigs waiting. And your chickens might have a nervous breakdown. Do chickens have nervous breakdowns?” he asked.
”I'm sorry if I sounded abrupt,” Fern apologized, smiling at his foolishness in spite of herself, ”but making me remember about that night has stretched my nerves badly. I've got Lord-only-knows-what kind of mess facing me, and you want to talk. We've done nothing else for days. What can you possibly have to say,”
”That I love you.”
Fern froze. She knew she loved Madison, she had known it for some time, but she'd never thought he could love her. She had attributed his constant attention to boredom, certainly no more than a mild liking.
In fact, during the last few days she had been thinking of what to do with her life after he returned to Boston. Part of her hesitation in telling him about the attempted rape had stemmed from not wanting to forge any more ties in a relations.h.i.+p that had no future.
Now Madison said he loved her, and the bottom fell out of her life.
”I thought you might be surprised,” Madison saidhe sounded hurt”maybe even speechless, but I never thought you'd look so dismayed.”
”I-I'm not d-dismayed,” Fern stammered. ”I'm just shocked.”
Stunned. Incredulous. Disbelieving. None of those words could describe how she felt. Heartsick came a lot closer. Madison didn't love her, not really. He had confused sympathyover her father's death, the loss of her farm, the attack on herwith love. But it wouldn't have mattered if he had loved her. She couldn't marry him. She knew that. She'd already accepted it.
”Aren't you going to say anything?” Madison asked.
”I don't know what to say.”
”The usual response is I love you, too, but I gather from your expression that isn't the right one this time.”
”No . . . I mean I don't . . . You see . . . It's just such a shock.” She couldn't tell him she knew he didn't love her any more than she could tell him she loved him with her whole heart but couldn't marry him. ”You never said anything before.”
”I wasn't sure until today.”
”I haven't had time to think about it.”
That was a lie. She hadn't thought about much else.
”Do you think you could think about it now?”
Fern had never felt so utterly miserable in her life. The one thing she wanted above everything else was for Madison to love her. Now he had said he did, and she couldn't tell him she loved him in return, had loved him for weeks.
She knew she couldn't marry Madison. Not when anything beyond the most casual embrace conjured up unbearable memories of that night. Not when she could never be his wife in the fullest sense.
”I can't think with you here,” she said. ”I never can when you're around.”
”That's the way it's supposed to be when two people are in love.”
”Maybe, but I'd prefer it if you went back to town. We can talk again tonight.”
She hated the hurt in his eyes. It hurt her, but she couldn't do anything else. She needed time to think of something to tell him.
”Can't we talk now?”
”Madison, I never thought you'd like me more than a little. Honestly, I didn't. We're very different people. We don't really have anything in common.”
”But”
”There are a lot of things we've never talked about. Your family, the kind of wife you want, my clothes”
”They don't matter.”
”Yes, they do. And if they don't now, they will later. Give me some time to think and”
”Do you love me?” Madison asked. ”If you do, nothing else matters. If you don't, well, I guess it doesn't matter then either.”
Fern couldn't look at him. She didn't trust her eyes not to give her away.
She stood poised on the threshold of everything she wanted in life, knowing she couldn't have it. After being alone for so many years, after finding no one who could understand her or wanted to try, it was cruel to have to give up Madison. But she must, for his sake as much as her own.
”I need time to think,” she managed to say. ”I'll tell you tonight.”
Madison lifted her chin until she had to look him in the eye. ”There's something you're not telling me.”
”It's not that,” Fern said, removing his hand and dropping her gaze. ”Please, Madison, I can't think now, not with you standing over me demanding an answer.
”I'm not demanding”
”Yes, you are,” she contradicted, looking up. ”You're the most impatient man I've ever known. You want everything your way and you want it immediately. I can't give you a quick answer, not about something like this.”
”Okay, I'll go back to town, but I'll be back this afternoon.”
”Reed or Pike can see me into town.”
”I'll be back,” Madison repeated.
Fern realized it was useless to protest. He would be back.
And she was glad.