Chapter 11 (2/2)
Furthermore every time I’m near a swimming pool, I also think of the time he taught my elder sister how to swim. If there is no accident, he and my elder sister should have been a divine couple, rather than me the ugly duckling, crossing a hard beam to grab him.
When I was heart-broken, someone patted me on the shoulder, it startled me. Turning around, it is Chen Mo. He sat down on a bench, and handed me the envelope, inside there was a heavy amount of cash.
Holding the money I said, “Don’t mention it, I will pay you back.”
Chen Mo didn’t ask me what I wanted the money for, he sighed and said, “Jing Zhi, you can’t run for the rest of your life.”
I made a ha ha sound and said, “At present the must important thing is to go fly far and high before discussing further.”
Chen Mo said, “Lu Yu Jiang is crazily looking for you everywhere, he also came to my house. Jing Zhi, I don’t know what happened between you and him, but the way see things it may not be as bad as you think.”
Terrible, I was going to die, can that also not be bad?
I asked: “What did Lu Yu Jiang say, how is that every time you always take love more seriously than friends.h.i.+p?”
He said: “Lu Yu Jiang didn’t say anything, he just asked about your whereabouts. I said I don’t know, he was very disappointed.”
I have not spoken, when Chen Mo suddenly said, “Jing Zhi, have you ever thought about talking this over with Lu Yu Jiang?”
I was taken by surprise, Chen Mo said, “I’ve loved someone before, so I know what it’s like to love a person. Jing Zhi, if I am not wrong, Lu Yu Jiang does love you.”
I was taken aback this phrase, Chen Mo said, “With the way he appears when he was trying to find you, I know, he should love you. I don’t know where you were, I saw the light in his eyes just gradually darken, like a heart turning into ashes.”
I hollow laugh twice, “Sweetheart, you suddenly being so literature, I think I have gooseb.u.mps.”
Chen Mo said, “Why don’t you give yourself a chance, let Lu Yu Jiang set things straight for you?”
What else is there to say, he said he loved me, I know, it is because he pitied me, just like the way he pitied my elder sister, so he said he loved me.
He said, “Jing Zhi, you cannot encounter a problem and run, this is wrong.”
Yes, I’m weak, I’m incompetent, I’m afraid, I fear death, I’m terribly afraid, so afraid that I’ll tremble, when I encounter something I want to escape…… But I really don’t have the courage to face Lu Yu Jiang, I don’t have the courage to look into his eyes, I don’t have the courage to think of things in the future, because I don’t know how long I can live. If I die, let me die alone far away.
So I continued to smile, “Chen Mo, you don’t understand……”
“What don’t I understand?” Chen Mo suddenly turned his head, staring straight into my eyes, “Ye Jing Zhi, I have always regarded you as my friend, so I don’t want to see you make detours, I don’t want you to lose the best things. You obviously know you love him, he also loves you, why do you still need to run?”
I lowered my head, holding the envelope of money, and after a long time, I heard my own voice, “Chen Mo, I don’t have the courage. You know, I really don’t have the courage, he told me you love me, then, you also say so. But I don’t have the courage to believe. It seems like when I was younger, the teacher always said I was stupid, my elder sister said a slow sparrow should make an early start [5], as long as you work hard, you can always get first place. So I worked very hard very hard, I finally got one hundred points, but the teacher said, I must have copied the answer from the same table. Because of my desk mate, also got one hundred points. Only I knew that I didn’t copy, but no one believed me…… Everyone said I copied, in the end, I also could not believe that I got one hundred points on my own……”
[5] 笨鸟先飞 Bèn Niǎo Xiān Fēi: Clumsy birds have to start flying early — the slow need to start early.
“When I was young my mother treated me the best, but she’s not here any more. When I was younger I like the moon. There was a night when the sky was overcast with dark clouds, unable to see the moon, I cried I wanted to find the moon. Finally, my father was sick of the racket so he gave me a slap in the face, I also stop crying. My elder sister secretly told me, the moon is still there, but you can not see, it is behind the clouds, as long as you know it’s behind the clouds that’s enough. My elder sister treated me the best, she will coax me, she will let me act pettish, but my elder sister is not here any more……”
“I love Lu Yu Jiang, but I don’t have the courage.” I looked up, my eyes were dim, perhaps I cried again, I don’t know why I love to cry, I sniffed, “He is one hundred points, I do not believe that I can make it on my own. He is the moon behind the clouds, no matter how noisily I cry saying I want it, maybe it will come out, but maybe just it’ll stay behind the clouds, never come out again. And crying will annoy another, they will just hate me more.”
“I know a lot of people hate me, I’ve always been more furious than him. Hmph, besides I don’t love you. But sometimes I really felt afraid. Elder sister said, the moon is still there, it’s just behind the clouds…… But I once couldn’t see the moon, sometimes I think, is still the moon really there…… it could have already gone away……”
Chen Mo didn’t say anything, he held out his arms and embraced me. I cried until I felt very tired, “Chen Mo, I want to leave here, to a place where n.o.body knows me. I’ve been trying to support myself for so long, I can’t go on further, I have been forcing myself to go on, but I really can’t hold on any longer……”
Chen Mo didn’t say anything, he’s like a sister, patted my back, like patting a child. When I was younger I already wasn’t a child any more, because I have no mother, I had to be like an adult to take good care of myself, and not let my elder sister worry. When my elder sister left me I also wasn’t a child, I must be brave, I must be strong, I don’t want others to look down at me.
Even if I know there’s a small soy bean in my head. I also can not be weak, because in my stomach there’s also little soy bean, fate is forcing me to give it up, I’m struggling to hold on, I do not want to, I want a child, this is my own child. No matter what others think, I still want to hold on. Even if holding on there will be hards.h.i.+p, tiring, there is no one to share the burden with me.
A long time ago I read Kuang Kuang’s [6]《When a woman》[7], the last paragraph is: “All my life I desire/wish to be cherished, to be safely placed, to be tenderly looked after. To free me from fear and suffering. Exempts me from wandering without any reliance. However, that person, I knew, I’ve always knew, he would never come. “
[6] 匡匡 Kuang Kuang is a j.a.panese novelist.
[7] 时有女子 “When a women” is a novel written by Kuang Kuang.
Now it was popular online, anyone on BBS [8] can read it, in literature and art young women used it as references again and again. Who doesn’t know, in the summer of 2003, I saw these words in Sina [9] forum, at that time I read it over and over again, every word was engraved in my heart. I know, I know he would never come. From the mouth into the heart, I knew deeply.
[8] BBS is abbreviation for bulletin board system.
[9] Sina is a Chinese online media company for Chinese communities around the world. Sina operates four major business lines: Sina Weibo, Sina Mobile, Sina Online, and Sina.net. Sina has over 100 million registered users worldwide.
I turned off the webpage, going to the thick English vocabulary. Going through all the blood, sweat, tears and heartache to graduate school, but my father did not give me a smile. Going through all the blood, sweat, tears and heartache to marry Lu Yu Jiang, however, he didn’t love me at all.
No matter how hard I tried, it was in vain. No matter how piteously I beg, fate will never give me good grace.
I just couldn’t hold on any longer.
Chen Mo said, “You go to rest, think of it as a holiday.” He sightly paused as he added, “If there’s any difficulties, call me.”
In this life having Chen Mo as a friend is my greatest blessing.
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