Chapter 1.2 (2/2)

“How do I know that you didn’t steal anything?” His lips had this faintly discernible intent smile, “All the rooms are unlocked, the house has many antiques.”

A scholar prefers death than humiliation! [2]

[2] 士可杀不可辱 Shì Kě Shā Bù Kě Rǔ: One can be killed, but can not be humiliated!

All the blood rushed to my head, I lifted up the suitcase and forcefully threw it at him, but the separation was too far, the box fell in the middle of the room on the carpet. The lock on the suitcase was originally not locked, so the zippier release, the suitcase cover loosen and open, the clothes inside all fell to the floor. I was like a madman screaming at him, “You look ah! You can have a look! Have I stole any valuable things? You widened your eyes and look, what have I taken? I tell you, the socks you have used your money to buy, I would not take a pair, even if I love money, and greed for wealth. I don’t need your money, because you really make me feel sick! Nausea!” I hoa.r.s.ely shouted at him, just like those Taiwanese Drama roles, I know I must also look fierce, but there is no way to control it.

In the room there was a short silence, I wiped my tears, place all the important things back into the suitcase. I have not walked away from the princ.i.p.al, because my next pay check is still too early, I want to rent a house, I had no money to buy clothes again. He sat there and did not move, even his tone was cynicism as usual, “Very good, I initially thought in this lifetime you would never cry.”

Who said I won’t cry? Today I have cried twice, once was because of him, another is also because of him.

He changed the door’s pa.s.sword, I could not leave, I went limp sitting on the suitcase, leaning back against the cold door, I just felt exhausted, “Lu Yu Jiang, what do you want? It has been more than a year since we’ve been divorced, I have endure this for more than a year, now I can’t bear it anymore, I admit defeat, I’m moving out, I don’t want the house, I’m cleanly leaving the family, why do you bother forcing such a struggle?”

“You owe me.” The tone in his voice became colder, like the cool night outside the window, “Don’t think you can just take off, not so easily.”

Kao!

I’m not playing!

I lost sense of reasons, pounce at him and kicked, “Lu Yu Jiang, you jerk! Open the door for me!”

I laid hands on him very ruthlessly, but accounted I was at a disadvantage, I practised Taekwondo for more than 10 years, while he has practised kick boxing for more than 20 years, so in the end he threw me over his shoulder and I fiercely fell hard to the ground, the back of my head heavily hit on the sofa’s ebony feet, so painful that all I could see was darkness, nasal discharge and tears flowed out, my entire body weakly slumped on the ground.

I must have been left with brain damage, because I felt dizzy, even Lu Yu Jiang’s face in front of me all of a sudden spun around towards me, and suddenly spun away, “Ye Jing Zhi! Ye Jing Zhi!”

He seemed a little anxious, patted my cheek, and rubbed the back of my head where it’s been hit, I felt his voice was so close to me, but it seems far away. I feel terrified, just like all those other nights, I felt very afraid, I would hold into the teddy bear that he bought for me, in my heart, and muttered, “Don’t leave me…… Please don’t leave me……” I don’t know what I’ve said, I just felt a burst numbness on the back of my head, just like the headache pains in the past, so painful that I felt nausea, wanting to vomit. I trembled not knowing whose name I was calling, perhaps my mother, perhaps my elder sister.

“Jing Zhi…… Jing Zhi……” My elder sister gently calling my name, “Lu Yu Jiang will take care of you, he promised me, he will take care of you……”

I have a terrible headache, I don’t want Lu Yu Jiang, I only want my elder sister, I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than live with a complete stranger like Lu Yu Jiang.

I should not be greedy, I should not be greedy…… It’s just wasn’t me, he simply should not belong to me, this is retribution.

“Jing Zhi…… Ye Jing Zhi…….” His face in front of me, my pupil heavily dilated, just like a camera’s zoom. Lu Yu Jiang’s eyelash was very long, also slightly curved, I often wanted to wait until he fell asleep and secretly pull a strand, however every time I would have fallen asleep before he did.

I must have fallen asleep again, because I dreamt of Lu Yu Jiang, he gently calling my name, rubbing where my headache was, lowered his head and plant a kiss on my lips, although it was very lightly. When was the last time he kissed me? Two years ago? Three years ago? I almost greedily inhaled his scent, refusing to release him. He held me close, I heard his chest thud, his heart pounding, he muttered while kissing me, “Jing Zhi……. I miss you…….”

I suddenly awaken, as if my head has been poured with ice water, my temple was palpitating, my entire person jumped up, suddenly like a rabbit, running far away.

He half knelt, half sitting, his chest slightly rise and fall, staring at me.

It was like being poured with sulfuric acid, from the tip of my tongue down to my stomach, all like sizzling toxic smog that has leapt to my forehead. I was certainly awake, although my head felt excruciating, although I felt pain somewhere on my body. My mouth parched and my tongue scorched, I certainly had to say that sentence, “You look carefully, I’m Ye Jǐng Zhi, I’m not Ye Jìng Zhi [3], Jìng Zhi is dead.”

[3] 竟知 Jìng Zhi: So Jing Zhi and her elder sister’s name has the same ping ying but it’s actually different Chinese characters and meaning. 景 Jǐng meaning scenery while her elder sister’s name 竟 Jìng means complete/unexpected.

His face was white as a ghost, I think my complexion wasn’t any better off.

For a long time he did not move, I didn’t either.

Finally my feet felt numb, I could hardly stand, I searched for the remote control, and placed it into his hands, “Open the door, I want to leave.”

He didn’t open the door, instead the remote fiercely fell to the ground, fortunately the carpet was thick, I rushed to pick up the remote control, and he rushed in like a madman to tear my clothes. I have never seen such a ferocious Lu Yu Jiang, his forehead was bursting with blue veins, as if he wanted to swallow me alive. Even before, when he made me frantically angry, he also used up more harsh words to infuriate me to death. But today he must be crazy, I know, I know I already mentioned he has lost his senses. I tried very hard to resist, who knew my strength were inferior than his. He caused me much pain, even more painful than the first time. The first time was when he was drunk, he actually thought I was my elder sister, I took this opportunity [4] to coax him to bed. (Obviously in this context, it’s referring to s.e.xually seducing him and doing “it”) Then threatened him, blackmailing him with guilt and moral values, and finally he had no choice but to marry me.

[4] 顺水推舟 Shùn Shuǐ Tuī Zhōu: Push the boat along with the current — make use of an opportunity to achieve one’s end ； make use of the favourable current situation to push matters through with little effort.

He did not take a knife and forcefully asked me, “Why do you want to marry me?”

But why was he so obnoxious, still willing to marry me? Even after marriage, there also were some certain aspects of he xie (harmonization) [5], although Lu Yu Jiang was a neat freak, after he xie was done he’ll be far away from me as possible, shall not let me exceed the demarcate line and touch him.

[5] 河蟹; Hé Xiè: An internet slang terms created by Chinese netizens in reference to Internet censors.h.i.+p or the other censors.h.i.+p of China. The word use in this context refers to  s.e.xual intercourse between the couple.

I thought about the question numerous times, finally I inadvertently heard Chen Mo say, “Men will separate love and s.e.x, when he’s hugging you indefinitely he could be thinking of someone else.”

I know who Lu Yu Jiang would be thinking of, he would think of my elder sister, Ye Jìng Zhi.

However, but I know I don’t look one bit like my elder sister. She is pretty, gentle and kind, like a white orchid (gardenia) flower, and I was covered in spines, my heart and liver were black.

In the beginning I thought I could endure it, the results I have overestimated myself. Overwhelmed by grief, I would cry in my dreams, as long as he’s away on a business trip, every night I was so scared that I would remain s.h.i.+vering, so scared that I could not sleep, afraid that he would never return. However, once he return home, I also found reason to quarrel with him, because I know why he treat me with benign countenance, he was reminded of my elder sister, he thought of Jìng Zhi. Every single time I would become hysterical, and he would contrast sharply with me, if it wasn’t for Jìng Zhi, if he had not promised her to take good care of me, I estimate our marriage also wouldn’t last for more than three years.

<script>