Part 11 (1/2)
”Oh, Jefferson, I know you're hurting, but I have to tel you, you're the biggest coward I've ever met.”
”Coward? How?”
”It's not their feelings, or Ginger's feelings, you're trying to spare, it's your own.”
”I don't get it. n.o.body's hurting my feelings.”
”You're protecting yourself too wel to be hurt. Making love to these strangers is like giving them a present so they don't feel bad that someone else got the prize. You want them to like you, but listen to Auntie Glad. They're going to like you more if you say no right off the bat. You're giving them something you have no right to give away because it belongs to Ginger. You know that, don't you?”
She had her head down and was ma.s.saging her forehead with her fingers. Glad was practical y yel ing at her. ”I never thought of it that way.”
”You have to talk to Ginger about what you need from her. And you never wil as long as you think you're getting what you need elsewhere. And you're not getting it. Not real y. Being with Ernie that way, it's like walking through a gate to each other. You're never going to get the gate between you and Ginger open this way. You'l always be chasing her. Ginger wil never feel truly connected with you.”
”Because I couldn't come with her? But I love Ginger, not al the others.” She offered her open hands, knowing her face was ful of appealing innocence and acknowledging to herself for the first time that the status quo suited her fine. She loved being a Don Juan and she loved having Ginger.
She simply wasn't terribly interested in a marriage deeper or more devoted than the one she had. But she didn't know if she'd lost interest because of Ginger's innate way of distancing herself-the critical comment, the quick disapproving grimace, the long hours at work-a distance that more and more felt like rejection. ”I swear, Glad,” she lied.
”You don't love her enough to tel her what you need.”
”It's not that big of a deal, Glad.”
”Yes it is, Jef. I promise you it is.”
Chapter Seventeen.
For their fifteenth anniversary, when they were thirty-three, with what Gladys said stil on her mind, Jefferson and Ginger decided to fly to Florida. One of the women from Cafe Femmes, that arrogant little butch Frenchy, who'd dated Angela way back when, talked up the Clearwater Beach area where she had family. Florida in February sounded like a great idea: no slush, no freezing temperatures, no heavy jackets. She and Ginger had never traveled together except to dance festivals like Jacob's Pil ow in Ma.s.sachusetts and the Jeffersons' summer cottage in New Hamps.h.i.+re.
”Girl,” Lily Ann Lee told her the night before they were to leave, which happened to fal at the same time as their monthly dinner, ”you are excited out of your mind.”
She swal owed a forkful of fra diavolo. ”It's more than a vacation, Lily Ann.”
”Rekindling the flame?”
She pondered that a minute. ”How can I explain without-I mean-”
”Spil ing the beans about Ginger?”
”That's kind of it.”
”How long ago did the romance leave?” Lily Ann kept her eyes on the fork and spoon she was using to lift linguini from her plate.
”Since she opened her school.” Shame rose to her face in a blush.
”That was what, six years ago, J? And you put up money for her d.a.m.n school?”
”Some of it.”
”Like half. Some repayment.”
”It's her first love, Lily Ann.”
”And you think a trip to the white sands of Florida wil change that?”
”Let me tel you something. But it's between us, right?”
”Everything is, J. You're my best friend.”
She smiled at Lily Ann, then cut her pasta into smal er and smal er pieces. ”You know how, when you're going to be with someone, you maybe do an extra shower before bed or sponge off the important places?”
She snuck a quick look at Lily Ann, who was, as she expected, regarding her with amus.e.m.e.nt. Doing s.e.x was one thing, talking about it was embarra.s.sing.
”Kind of like a magic charm?”
She took a long sip of the dry red house wine. ”I've been doing that at home every night for no reason ever since Ginger opened her school.”
”Oh, J.” Lily Ann's face was a quick display not of pity, but of tragedy observed. ”That explains a lot.”
She laughed, her gaze not leaving her plate. ”My wayward path? Margo read me a poem once, about a picture on a vase, back in Grecian times, about how hot it can be to want without getting. The line that stuck with me was, 'For ever wilt thou love, and she be fair!'”
”I'd be seducing every femme in the city too.”
”If you were butch.”
”Which I'm not.”
She smiled. ”I'l drink to that,” and drank again.
”But seriously,” Lily Ann asked, ”you know how you've told me Ginger kind of likes guys? Do you think that might have something to do with it?”
Although she shook her head no, she couldn't look Lily Ann in the eye. She was in the grip of that lightless place where she was fil ed with silent screams. She reminded herself that she always lived through it and opened her eyes.
Lily Ann asked, ”Is it a worse betrayal because it's with a man?”
”Al I know is I want to kil any man who touches her, even innocently. Not that I believe a man could touch her innocently.”
”Don't think about it.”
”It's her sacred body, you know? I never touched her without, what-awe, amazement, the beauty of her, like the best sunsets, the sweetest bird song, poetry.” It had been a long time since she'd dared touch Ginger even casual y. She couldn't stand to see her shy away. As much as Ginger liked s.e.x, Jefferson's desire seemed to disturb her. Ginger was just going through something, she told herself. Although Ginger denied it, she suspected she'd been touched in a bad way as a kid. Or something. Sometimes she would lie there sick with desire for Ginger and hope. Hope was the kil er. She felt like a fool for hoping and she cherished it like a last embrace of her beloved.
Lily Ann pursed her lips, looking disapproving.
The conversation didn't dampen her enthusiasm for the trip. She always dreamed that this time things would be different.