Part 1 (1/2)

Pirates.

by Colin Campbell Clements.

_The play takes place in MRS. WARREN'S little living room during the early Victorian period. At the left is a door leading to another part of the house. A door at the back opens into the entrance hall. As the curtain rises, MRS. WARREN, seated in a large chair, is talking to her maid, CLARA._

MRS. WARREN. Gossip is malicious, my dear girl, positively malicious.

Doesn't the Bible say--(_The knocker sounds._) There, isn't that the door? (_CLARA starts to go_.) Oh, Clara, before you open the door, be sure and dust off the table in the hall and----

(_CLARA goes out. MRS. WARREN arranges her dress and the little lace cap on her head._)

CLARA. (_From the door_) It's Mrs. Lawty, ma'am.

MRS. WARREN. Oh, the dear soul! Have her come right in--right in, Clara.

(_CLARA goes out. MRS. LAWTY enters._)

MRS. LAWTY. Good afternoon--good afternoon, Mrs. Warren.

MRS. WARREN. Good afternoon, my dear. Do sit down, Mrs. Lawty--do sit down.

MRS. LAWTY. Oh, thank you. I have just dropped in for a moment. I am on my way to the meeting of the ”Helping Hand Society,” and as I had to pa.s.s this way I just came in to see how you were. I hope I am not interrupting any work you may be doing, my dear.

MRS. WARREN. Oh, dear, no. I was just giving my maid a little lecture ... on gossip.

MRS. LAWTY. Gossip?

MRS. WARREN. It is _so_ malicious.

MRS. LAWTY. Positively unladylike! One could almost compare a lady who gossips to a ... to a pirate.

MRS. WARREN. A what, Mrs. Lawty?

MRS. LAWTY. A pirate. They are sort of wild thieves, you know, and steal things from perfectly innocent people, Mrs. Warren. The South Sea Islands are full of them ... pirates, I mean. Why, I read in our missionary paper, just last week, that one poor man was overtaken by pirates who took away his watch and, I hesitate to say it, his trousers!

MRS. WARREN. His trousers! Dreadful!

MRS. LAWTY. The rest of the story is too indelicate to repeat.

MRS. WARREN. Yes ... yes, some things are often better left unsaid.

(_Pause._) But one need never be ashamed to speak the truth. What is the rest of the story, Mrs. Lawty?

MRS. LAWTY. The poor man was forced to come into port with a bad cold in his head ... and in his pajamas!

MRS. WARREN. Oh!

MRS. LAWTY. And that is why I call a woman who gossips a pirate.

MRS. WARREN. Yes ... yes. Though one can hardly think of _any_ woman unlawfully taking a poor gentleman's trousers.